Brandon Arenas on Mental Health, Brotherhood, Faith, and Finding Purpose After Service | Security Halt! Podcast Ep. 443

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What happens when the mission ends, the uniform comes off, and you're left searching for purpose?

In Episode 443 of the Security Halt! Podcast, Deny Caballero sits down with former Green Beret Brandon Arenas for a powerful conversation about military transition, mental health, brotherhood, spirituality, and healing. Brandon shares his journey from aspiring Navy SEAL to Special Forces soldier, opening up about personal struggles, trauma, identity, and the lessons he learned through faith, vulnerability, and community.

This episode explores the realities many veterans face after service—PTSD, isolation, guilt, loss of purpose, and the challenge of rebuilding life beyond the military. Brandon's story is a powerful reminder that healing begins when we stop suffering in silence and start leaning on others.

Listen now. Follow the show. Share this with the veteran or entrepreneur who needs to hear it.
 
Chapters:
00:00 Why Brotherhood Matters After Military Service
03:02 Transitioning From the Military to Civilian Life
05:57 Building New Relationships and Support Systems
09:04 Brandon Arenas' Journey to Becoming a Green Beret
12:03 Overcoming Adversity and Personal Challenges
15:00 The Role of Mentorship in Recovery and Growth
18:06 Reflecting on Service and Finding Self-Worth
21:01 Why Shared Experiences Create Stronger Bonds
23:56 Finding Purpose Beyond the Uniform
26:37 Leadership, Encouragement, and Positive Impact
29:17 Defining Legacy and Meaningful Service
32:49 Understanding Your Place in the Brotherhood
35:40 Self-Acceptance and Personal Growth
39:17 Combat Experience, Trauma, and Perspective
43:34 Navigating Loss, Guilt, and Grief
46:50 Seeking Help and Beginning the Healing Process
54:52 Mental Health, Recovery, and Self-Discovery
57:32 Understanding PTSD in High Performers
01:00:21 Why Connection Saves Lives
01:02:33 Faith, Spirituality, and Personal Transformation
01:11:44 Mind, Body, and Spirit: A Holistic Approach to Healing
01:16:27 Finding Peace Through Faith and Community

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Transcript

The PTSD Question Out Loud

SPEAKER_02 0:00

Do I have PTSD? I was like, or am I just crazy? Is this normal? Like, what the fuck is going on with me? Because I didn't think I had it. I was like, I didn't have enough combat tours. You know, I didn't do this. I didn't do that. I was like, I'm not, I'm fine. Like, I don't have PCSD. There's so many more people that need that. And no shit, dude. And he looks at me, he goes, Yes, it's normal. No, it's not okay. Told her, I was like, I don't know what's wrong with me. Like, I don't know what's going on. I'm in a room with people that love me and I hate them. I don't want anything to do with them. I feel completely alone. Like I can't accomplish anything. My mind is everywhere. All I want to do is X, Y, or Z. Like, what is happening to me? And she was like, She's like, I bet you're probably an incredible GB, aren't you? And I was like, I don't know. I was like, I don't think so. I don't feel that way. She started asking me some questions and she was like, I see this a lot with guys like you who are in similar positions where you are, Team Sarence.

Excellence, Ego, And Being Human

SPEAKER_00 0:55

Brandon, welcome, Security Hall Brother. I am I am so elated to have you here. Um, I always tell people if you are part of this community and you're walking around thinking that you're the best, well, obviously, because pop culture has taught us that you're probably a piece of shit and you're probably not as cool as you think you are.

SPEAKER_03 1:13

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:14

Yeah. No doubt. But I have the privilege of having seen you and having been able to witness somebody that was truly a performance athlete in every I mean, like it goes back to like every cadre they ever said to be a fucking athlete or be be a professional every single day. Be a fucking athlete. That was our online. Vividly seeing you fucking crush it and and and and get ready because there's gonna be a shower of of compliments, but whether it was the best ODA competition or whether it was just looking and and everybody, you know, if if your name is being said in the hallways at battalion or within the company, then it's either you're doing something really fucking good or you're fucking up really bad. But it was always when you you mentioned when people mention your name, it's always like that's a standard, that's a dude that's fucking crushing it. And you've always been that for so many people in our battalion, so many people in in our group, you've always been a good fucking dude, and you've always performed. And seeing you continue to do that on the outside is exactly why I want to have you on the show to be able to show people that like your next chapter doesn't have to be devoid of the purpose, and it doesn't have to be devoid of all the excellence that you had. And guess what? With all that with all that work, all that fucking being awesome, you're still gonna struggle because it's part of the human condition, man. We all we will all have to take a knee, we will all get challenged, we will all face you know adversity. And your journey's just that. It shows us that, dude, like all of us at some point, whether you were just the the fucking best of the best, the the greatest dude, or the guy that was just in the middle, or or the dude that just fucking was you know 88 Mike, at some point you're gonna be challenged. At some point you're gonna have to realize that, like, oh shit, I'm human too. So today, man, I want to dive into your journey.

SPEAKER_02 3:13

Yeah, thanks, man. I'm I'm really excited to share it. And Denny, uh first off, I just thank you for the words of thank you for those kind words, man. It it really means a lot to hear that from you. Um, I consider you in the same light as as you consider me. And uh it's truly an honor and a privilege, man, to be here. I've been following your podcast for quite some time. And uh it took me uh about two years to work up the nerve to reach out to you. Uh you know, it happened because you know you were advocating on behalf of Flow, which you know, I saw that, and you know, I it's a God thing, and and that was I felt that that moment where, okay, this is it, this is the time to to reach out and and start sharing my story, not just with people I bump into, but with with another brother whom I deeply respect. And uh I'm honored to be here, man. Thank you so much for allowing me to share my story. Um, you know, so many dudes don't get the opportunity, and and I think that we have to push this information out that we all struggle, and that's the only way that we insulate people rather than isolate, right? Because too many of us, we get out and we isolate. That's what we do. We just isolate, isolate, isolate, and we can't do that, man. And so I'm super passionate about um talking about my story, my struggles, um, and uh in an effort to bring us closer together, to connect and to insulate one another. Because uh the only way we're gonna win, man, is by joining together, creating the community, and elevating each other, man. So thank you, dude. Seriously, I'm honored to be here, man. I really honor to be honest.

SPEAKER_00 4:42

Dude, absolutely, man. And and you touched on it right

Building A New Team Room

SPEAKER_00 4:45

there, man. Like being able to share our stories to inspire others to get help, to not isolate. Because what we need more of is connection, man. Being able to have this. I know we're separated, man. So many individuals like us have these complex situations where the best job is probably in Seattle, or the best job for them takes them to Idaho. And there isn't a big enclave of Green Berets. But this, the, the, the, the the inventions that we're using to connect for work, the teams meetings, we can still do that to connect with each other. And and um a shameless plug to the Special Forces Foundation's initiative of both the Project Reach and um the Brotherhood Blueprint, being able to connect with each other, being able to have the chat hookus man fucking getting kicked off the team chat is death.

SPEAKER_01 5:39

You're like, oh yeah, fuck those gonna, I don't need that shit. It's the most painful last step you will have to do in your transition. It's like everybody's just the slow salute to watch it. Like just dying slowly.

SPEAKER_00 5:55

Or like you kind of hang in there before like they're not like, oh, I'm still in. And then finally one day you're like, oh my, I'm up. Like this is awkward. What?

SPEAKER_02 6:04

Yeah, what do I do with my hands? That's exactly how it felt, bro. Like when I when I finally left the team chat, it was kind of like, yeah, I don't need that shit. Like, I'm just you know, I'm just really like I'm good. I got my place in Chicago, right? I for me it's I got my place in you know Chattanooga at first, and and then it's just like, wait a minute, I want that team chat back.

SPEAKER_00 6:27

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 6:28

It's like fuck. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 6:29

And then we get to do it on the outside because the team room is bigger on the outside. It it can it can be everybody that you want to add. It can be the friggin' the the guy you met that's a a successful entrepreneur, the individual that mentored you when you were going to a college course, all these individuals can now come into your team room and help everybody else. If somebody added value to your life, bring them into your team chat. Add five people, five people, right? Pick your best friends, add them to a group chat, and start every day just pouring into each other. Like that's I was blessed today. That's how I started my morning, being able to reach out with like the one friend I have had for a vast majority of my life, and now we're both entrepreneurs. He he left a successful career doing some amazing stuff in Colorado because he just got a wild hair up his ass and said, I'm gonna move all the way down to fucking Florida and do something completely opposite. And now we're both peers in the in this world of entrepreneurship and business build building, and we're helping support and elevate each other's small wins. And it's like, dude, like what a gift to be able to be in a firefight, so to speak, in a in a in a new endeavor, and be like, hey brother, you up? Is your gun up? You good to go? Yeah. Got some fucking COP on this thing, you ready?

SPEAKER_02 7:50

Yeah, yes, dude. That's see, and that's the talk that I think we so we so desperately miss, man. But I think to your point of, you know, meeting new people and connecting to new people and adding them to your team room, and and I think one of the important things that we commonly miss is those individuals provide an incredible amount of value. And just because you may not they may not understand the same vernacular, and whereas that has a purpose in our life, and we still need that, but these guys provide so much value. There's so many incredible patriots out there that that want to help out and give back, and specifically to our communities that we come from. And and man, like, and again, you hit it the nail on the head, man. It's it's developing that network, and and it's not like, and I'm super passionate about this, man, like meeting somebody or helping out or reaching out to a guy who's transitioning. It's like, hey, brother, you know, you you you may be transitioning out, but you are gaining not just me, right? You have me, but you have my whole network, brother. Like just because you're getting out doesn't stop mean, you're not a you're still a GB in here and in here, right? It may mean something different to you now, and you may execute it differently. It may be applied towards something different, but you still bring that same fight and the same mentality to it, and you're still a force multiplier. Man, that's so important, dude. And it's just connecting, making those connections and extending and opening up that network for everybody, man. And that's yeah, super passionate about that too.

SPEAKER_00 9:15

Yeah, man. So take us through your journey, man. How did you find yourself in the military?

Misfit Beginnings And Outdoor Hardening

SPEAKER_00 9:20

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SPEAKER_02 9:39

Yeah, man. So uh I actually grew up always wanting to be a Navy SEAL, believe it or not.

SPEAKER_01 9:44

Uh that's what I always wanted to be growing up, bro. That's the common thing, dude. That's a common thing. I always want to be a Navy SEAL, brother.

SPEAKER_02 9:55

I was the kid, dude. I was the kid that like, I don't know how I graduated high school. Uh, you know, I was I asked for this 60 Minutes documentary that Discovery Channel did on uh the Buds class that uh like Danny Deets and all those guys were in on. Yeah, that was, you know, I I cannot tell you how many times I watched that as a kid growing up. Like that was my big present I asked for for Christmas one year was that documentary. And then I went and I bought the Navy SEAL workouts online and I was doing all the Navy SEAL workouts, the flutter kicks, the push-ups, the this, the that, and the other. That was my jam, bro. Like I was an army man, you know, like when I was a kid, when I would dress up or a soldier or whatever, Navy SEAL. And uh, you know, that's what I always wanted to be. And as time went on, you know, I kind of got caught up in the in the you know, the normal bullshit. Like, hey, you go to school, you graduate, you go to college, you you do that whole deal. And and uh so that's kind of what I got roped into, man. But you know, my heart of hearts, I always knew that that was kind of the path that I wanted to go down. And so I got in high school, got into trouble like the rest of us. Uh I have no idea how I graduated. As a matter of fact, on graduation day, I thought it was a joke. I thought that they had messed up the manning or the list for people who were graduating. And I was like, I know I'm not supposed to be here, but they called my name and I graduated. So it was more of like a get this guy out of here. Like, we don't we don't want this dude anymore. He's not going to college, anyways. Uh, because I went to a tech high school. But um yeah, man, so I graduated and uh got into some more trouble, and I ended up working as a wilderness therapy instructor out in Utah. Yeah, as a matter of fact, for six months.

SPEAKER_00 11:36

Oh shit.

SPEAKER_02 11:37

Yeah, so whereas a program I should probably attended as a kid, as a minor, I ended up instructing at. And uh so essentially we acted as the eyes, hands, and ears of therapists, and we lived out in the middle of the mountains in Utah, out in like three hours past Duchenne in the high Uinnas, man. Yeah. And uh that's kind of where I started to gather a lot of my outdoor skills and just being really comfortable out in the out in the woods, man, because we basically lived out there for six months. Wow, dude. Yeah, that is insane. It was an incredible experience, man. Like, that's how I learned how to bow drill a fire. Um, like I learned a lot of wilderness survival skills out there. Um, because we didn't, you know, we didn't allow um lighters. There was no, we had to we had to bust our own fire with a bow drill. Um, yeah, we had to earn, you know, earn hot meals essentially for the students out there. We would uh crush and sift all the coals after we would make fires, like we'd hike out every day, everything on our backs. So I think that kind of started my transition to just falling in love with a rucksack. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 12:37

That was my first introduction. I didn't know what it was at that time, you know?

SPEAKER_02 12:43

And uh so I was doing that, and uh and my aunt, I was living with my aunt at the time when I wasn't out there, and she's like, hey bro, you're 19. What are you doing with your life? And I was like, I'm living out in the woods, man. Like, so I'm doing what are you doing?

unknown 12:56

You know?

SPEAKER_02 12:57

And then she's like, no, bro. She's like, you need to go to school. And I was like, okay, so you know, how do I get to school, right? I was broke. My dad didn't, my parents didn't have any money. Um, I was basically on my own, living with my aunt out in Utah, didn't have any friends, and uh, but I did have a skill. I knew how to, I knew how to do flips. So I did some gymnastics as a child, so I tried out for the Utah State cheerleading team, as a matter of fact. No way. Yep, I did. And I was uh and I made it and got a scholarship for it, and I was a collegiate cheerleader for like a year and a half. Yeah. Some people know that. Not a lot of people know that. I kept that kind of quiet uh with my time in the service. You know, I didn't want that getting out. I was a collegiate cheerleader. Um so fuck that.

SPEAKER_00 13:42

Any way to meet the mission and how do I get a scholarship? Well, you know what? I have a skill set.

SPEAKER_02 13:48

I have a skill set. That's exactly right. I was like, so how do I get into school, man? Like outside the box problem solving, right? So I was like, fuck it. You know, she literally like she's like, she's like, motherfucker, go. And I was like, all right, I'll go. So I went and I did it, and yeah, got somehow made the team and uh ended up getting a scholarship and got into a division one university after failing out of community college, didn't know how I graduated high school, and somehow got into a division one university on scholarship. Bro.

SPEAKER_00 14:16

We gotta dive into this for a little bit. Yeah, yeah, bro.

SPEAKER_01 14:19

Send it.

SPEAKER_00 14:20

Dude, that is I can imagine that world. I A, um, lots of hot shakes. You're a young man. How did you get how did you maintain the focus at a division one school after not being a good student? Because I would I I have to imagine, like, hey, you're gonna have to perform, you're gonna have to be able to keep your grades up so you can actually go do this to stay in.

SPEAKER_02 14:42

A lot of oversight, my man. A lot of oversight on part of the coach, man. Her name was uh her name is Linda Zimmerman, and uh this this lady was truly a trail angel in my life at a time where I really needed it. Um my parents said my parents had just divorced. I was actually raised Mormon.

College Collapse And A Coach’s Tough Love

SPEAKER_02 15:00

I was I was raised Mormon in the LDS church. No way. Yep, but down in Georgia, and uh there's a lot of interesting things that come with that, you know. And uh my brothers both serve mission trips. I did not. I was 19. You're brought up your whole life that if you don't do that, then you're basically a piece of shit, um, is is how you're made to feel, you know, because you got to go sell the religion. That's what it is. It's a it's an incorporation, you know. You gotta go sell the religion. And if you don't, then people won't hire you, you know, people won't let you marry their daughters, like you're essentially ostracized. The first question that you meet somebody if you're after, you know, if you're 21 and up is, hey, do you did you serve a mission? Are you a return missionary? You call it an RM. Are you an RM? And uh so that was going on in my life. My parents had just divorced, and I was up there and boom, I was a witness therapy instructor, boom, I just got into college, and uh I just had an incredible woman then who really brought me in and brought me in, put her put me underneath her wing and really took care of me. And uh, she's now um, I know she's still at the university working there, but just an incredible woman and really brought me in and was like, all right, motherfucker, this is your desk, this is your computer, this is where you're doing your homework.

SPEAKER_01 16:09

And I was like, okay, you know, Roger that.

SPEAKER_02 16:12

And uh I was super motivated, it was great. Um, but you know, as a 19-year-old being surrounded by a bunch of hot chicks who want nothing to do with you because you're not Mormon anymore. You know what I mean? Like, you know, I'm cussing, I was drinking, I was doing my own thing, and because I when I turned 18, you know, I started paying my own bills, and I said, Hey, look, Pops, you're not paying my bills anymore, brother. Like, I don't I don't believe. And uh, you know, this is this is who I am, this is what I'm gonna do. So um sounds really difficult, man. I couldn't date, uh, no chicks wanted to date with date me because I was, you know, ostracized. And if they hung out with me, then then everyone else would just assume that they were doing the same thing and they would be ostracized too. So I did that for like a year, year and a half, and then the same old habits crept in, and I started just smoking a bunch of weed and snowboarding every day, uh which was awesome. But uh I was failing every class. And and I got my FAFSA grant of you know to pay for school. I blew through my FAFSA grant or loan in like in like probably six weeks, you know, and they're supposed to last me the whole semester, bro. Because I had no, I didn't know how to manage money.

SPEAKER_01 17:21

I was blown it all on weed, fucking lift tickets, and a snowboard and in booze, bro.

SPEAKER_02 17:28

Like, because that's all I was doing. I was skipping practice, you know, and and uh and so finally my coach is like, I'm kicking your ass off the team, but I'm keeping you on scholarship. And she's like, You can I'm gonna keep you on scholarship, so I want you to continue your education. And she's like, You're basically gonna be my little assistant, and uh you're gonna help me with anything I I ask you to do. And if you continue to do that, then I will allow you to come back on the team.

SPEAKER_00 17:55

Oh wow.

SPEAKER_02 17:57

Yeah, and she she she stuck it to me pretty hard, and you know, I needed that. Like that was a moment in my life where I was like, okay, this ain't working anymore. You know what I mean? And she kind of snapped me out of that that behavior of I could just kind of do whatever I wanted, you know. And uh, and I was like, okay, this ain't working. I'm running out of money. I lost, you know, I'm not on the team anymore. I'm selling scholarship, but I ain't learning shit. I'm skipping school and I'm going snowboarding and smoking weed all day, every day. And uh yeah, man, I there I was.

Choosing The Green Beret Path

SPEAKER_02 18:28

I found myself in the recruiter's office right after that year two, my sophomore year at Utah State University. And uh, no shit. The guy was like, Yeah, we don't have any 18 x-ray contracts, right? And because I did a little research, you know, I went online to the Army recruiters website, bro, and I was like, Green Beret. I was like, oh, that's badass. I was like, okay, maybe I shouldn't be a Navy SEAL. Maybe I need to go do this badass Green Beret shit. I was like, behind enemy lines, like unconventional warfare, like no no allies, just me and my homies doing some badass shit. I was like, that sounds sick. I was like, that's I was like, I had to learn a new language too. I was like, that's fucking badass. Yeah, fuck yeah. Like that's what I was thinking in my head, you know? And uh, and I was like, dude, that's what I want to do, man. And it really just spoke to me. And the fact that, you know, the critical thinking, um, you know, being being put behind enemy lines, just kind of being stuck there and just trying to figure shit out on your own. Like that always spoke to me, just that critical thinking aspect of it and problem solving. And so there I was, found myself in the recruiter's office, uh, didn't didn't tell anybody in my family. And uh, no shit, swore in, dropped out of college, had uh my mom just happened to be in town, so I invited her to the swear-in. She took a picture of it, and that's how I notified the rest of my family and my dad. And uh, and I was like, yo, I joined the army, I'm gonna be to be a Green Beret. I dropped out of college, I'll see you, I'll see you tomorrow. And I drove home.

SPEAKER_00 19:56

Yeah, bro. That is a fucking adventure, and it's uh in and of itself, but you have A, we gotta acknowledge these angels that come in our lives, man. 100% these people that are wise enough to see your potential even when we don't see it. So wherever you are, ma'am, thank you. Because you gave the regiment a solid fucking leader, even when uh you probably couldn't see it. And there's so many of us, so many of the people that we look up to and admire. Like if you heard some of their stories before they got in, you're like, fuck, dude, you you were a gang leader?

SPEAKER_02 20:34

Dude, there's so many dudes like that. Seriously, bro. I mean, I was in a cue course with a guy like that. Literally, you probably were too. Uh literally, I was in the I was in the fucking cue course with a guy like that, and a lot of those guys, man, just that's why I love the regiment so much. You just get a hodgepodge of these dudes, and a lot of them seem to have never had a lot of purpose in their life, or you know, they kind of were misfits, they bounced around, and there's so many dudes from so many interesting walks of life that they join and then they immediately find that brotherhood and they just excel, man. And it's so it's so much fun then to have that that shared background with these guys, and there's so many incredible people that come from our background, man, that that have that are within the regiment, man. And and to further your point on the channel angels, dude, like this episode of Security Health is brought to you by Dr.

SPEAKER_00 21:22

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SPEAKER_02 22:11

You

Trail Angels And Reflecting On Wins

SPEAKER_02 22:12

know, I we all have them in our life. And I feel like so many people go through their life and they have that, but they fail to recognize it. You know what I mean? And and and that's really unfortunate and it's sad. And uh, but I'm super and I missed it too. I didn't even know what she was to me until really I started to transition out. And then you you reflect. We do a lot of reflection when we're getting out, right? A lot of reflection. And uh whether that's part of our psychedelic healing journey, or if it's therapy, or if it's meditation, or if it's you're shit-faced drunk, right? On the stairwell with a gun in your hand, which is an unfortunate reality for a lot of us. We'll get to that for you know, that part of my story. And um yeah, man. And and then something happens where it rips you out of that and you start reflecting. And and I'm so blessed to have had a lot of those trail angels in my life.

SPEAKER_00 23:02

Yeah, man. Uh I am fortunate to to have a few of my myself. And and uh at these oftentimes, dude, like like you said, the reflection is something that you know we don't have a lot of perspective. We're very mission focused. We're always looking at the the 120, the 90, the 60, and that's what we focus on.

SPEAKER_02 23:23

Because we're so results driven, right?

SPEAKER_00 23:24

Yeah, yeah. Nobody, I never took a knee to look at like my life, put things in perspective until, you know, going through transition, going through my crisis, going through my downward spiral.

SPEAKER_02 23:34

You did that for everybody else in your life, though, all the time. Yeah, you would always take a knee and and reflect on other people's lives, how you could improve their life, what you need to do to be a better leader for them. I know you were doing it, bro. And and that's what all the incredible leaders do, but then that's oftentimes how we find ourselves in those situations because we never took the moment to take a knee and face out and do it for ourselves.

SPEAKER_00 23:56

Yeah. Yeah, I remember my one of my and and you know, I don't want to put his name out there because he's crazy. Like our our our friends that continue to serve are now doing like big shit and they're getting the big time boss jobs and they're right, right, and you're like so funny. But he posted something and I was like, look, man, it this may not make sense to you right now, but I need you to take a moment this weekend and just acknowledge this win. Look at how far you've come in your life from being that kid at language school that you know had a senior NCO tell you that you weren't gonna amount to shit and that you weren't gonna get very far in your career, and look where you're at today. Look at the position you're in today. Be proud of that kid. Be proud of the man that said, like, you know what, you may not value me or see the potential, but I'm gonna make you fucking choke on those words. I'm gonna make you fucking, like, years from now, I'm gonna prove to you and myself that I am a great capable fucking leader. And and I I know he wasn't gonna do that. I know he wasn't gonna do it because I I wouldn't have done it myself. I didn't do it until I like got out and started having these moments of like quiet reflection and understanding the the the impact and the weight of a life that hey, I didn't get everything right, but man, I'm alive. I'm I'm here, I've I've gone through some things, and you know, like, hey, I can look at the wins. You gotta reflect on the bad, you gotta look at things you can correct in the future, but you still have to look at the wins and be proud. Don't live in it, don't shower in it. And you don't think you're this great, wonderful being, but you do deserve to like have the victory lap and understand, like, wow, holy shit, I made it through that.

SPEAKER_02 25:49

I made it. Yeah, we do. Everybody does, man. Like, I really struggle with that, dude. Like, well, first I want to touch on one point, man. First, I I I got I got goosebumps, dude, with with what you just said, man. Um, with you know, I think I have an idea of who you were speaking to. Again, I won't say his name, but uh no, that's a beautiful thought, man. It it really is, and I think it ties really well into the psychedelics piece, too, especially looking back at who you were as a child and look at where you become now and be proud of yourself, right? Um, you know, I think so much of it is rooted in that as well. And and I think that's really a beautiful thing that someone of your caliber and someone who you are, whom we all deeply respect, would reach out and say something like that. Because it takes someone like you to say, hey, dude, chew on these words for a little bit, man, and really reflect on what I'm about to say because it means something. And that's the and that's what we need, man, is guys like you that are reaching out and saying things like that because too often it never happens, right? Because we're results driven, we're always thinking about the 120, the 90, and the 60. And and we don't, man. We're not a words of affirmation type of type of organization, right?

SPEAKER_01 26:48

Yeah, it doesn't happen. We are not.

SPEAKER_02 26:52

And when you hear it, you're like, well, bro, what the fuck's wrong with this guy? Like, why is he why is he why is he saying this to me right now? Like, come on, bro. Like, uh I don't know how to take this from you to take this.

SPEAKER_01 27:01

Like, what are you gay?

SPEAKER_00 27:02

Yeah, dude. Like, in a million years, I want to walk up to Brock and be like, hey man, you're okay. You're okay. Get the fuck away from me.

SPEAKER_01 27:11

Yeah, get the fuck away from me. You might get slapped, bro, if you would have walked up to me. I'm broke in the battalion hallway, dude. I think you're a good man inside, Brock. Yeah, bro. I think you're a good dude, bro. Like, that's true. Like, and that would have never happened, right?

SPEAKER_00 27:32

And the sad reality is, the sad reality is all those senior guys, all those big time dudes that we looked up to and admired because they were hard and and sometimes very rough. If you would have been able to just say, hey man, like you mean a lot to me. Like your leadership, the the things you say, I take to heart. Thank you for being who you are. Thank you. Like that would have meant something to them. Maybe at the moment they would have they wouldn't know how to receive it. No.

SPEAKER_02 28:01

But periods of reflection, right? You know, they would have eventually reflected on that. And and as I've you know, reflected on on my career, you know, as uh as you have as well, you know, I look back and I'm like, man, you know, I really you always think about what you could have done more for the guys? You know, what could I have done more to contribute? I failed these guys here, I failed these guys there. You know, for me personally, in my journey, I don't ever look back and think about that was badass. I did some badass shit. You know, like I'm you know, I'm a badass. Like I did this awesome stuff, like you know, I contributed this, like, look at all the shit that I did. Yeah, I really look I look back, and this is something I've actually really struggled with, and I would venture to say that most people, a lot of guys struggle with it. I don't feel like I did shit a lot of times. I look back and I'm like, what the fuck did I actually do? You know, I'm like, I'm having a hard time. And that's why we need each other, man.

SPEAKER_00 28:53

That's why we need each other because you we all have our journey and it it and it takes time. And and I'll I'll share this story, man, because I I think it it goes well. The ability to see somebody else recognize what you've done and not to be like paraded around downtown uh Niceville or Crestview or Shallow be like, look how amazing you are, but just to have somebody say like I remember when I was leaving, when I like literally I had just turned in my equipment, I and I was still at the down at S3, I ran into um a young officer that took in over, taking over the the team I was on uh before my last team, and he's like, Chief, I want to show you something. And I was like, All right, guy, calm down, what's going on, sir? He's like, You gotta come to the team room. You gotta come to the team room. I'm like, all right, dude. All right, all right, all right, all right there, young Madden. All right, let's go. And I'm like, what's going on? He's like, dude, you're gonna fucking love this. And the last time I was in that team room, we had a a a team sergeant who had removed a bunch of like the memorabilia because it was like, I don't want this under this is my era. Like, weird dude. We've all dealt with those team stars before. Yeah, or team. So like there was and and it this the stuff that was before me. There was like a can't a big Afghan flag from the the previous, previous team that taken it from the the Taliban, a whole bunch of cool shit. But then it got all removed and nobody knew where it went. It just kind of just the room became sterile. It was kind of weird.

SPEAKER_02 30:33

Oh, dude, that's really unfortunate.

SPEAKER_00 30:35

This young captain and his team sergeant, who I didn't know because this is the evolutions of team after me, they had taken the time to find all the previous team photos they could, and they lined the stairways from the the loadout bay all the way up to the team room, and they found the old flag, they found all the stuff. And he's like, Look, there you are, and there you're like, and I'm like, and here and here, and I'm like and it wasn't this like you're an incredible individual. No, just seeing yourself as part of the lineage of an organization. There was a picture from uh an archangel package that I did when I first got on the team, and then there was a picture from Afghanistan, there was a picture from another archangel, and I was like, holy shit, like it's so cool, man. No, it means something. Yeah, it's it means and and it's not about like, oh man, like that one time when you took on 250 Iranians. No, you were part of the brotherhood, you're part of the brotherhood. You were here, your input, your value, like just having that story. And I think that's one of the greatest things that we can do for each other. If that if that young officer had not done that for me, that would have been a missing piece in my understanding of like, man, I wonder if I did anything on that team of worth remembering. I wonder if I'll I'll be in those hallways. That's a huge fucking thing to know that you were there for how many years, how many rotations, like fucking Colombia, Peru, Colombia, Afghanistan, all those years, all those dudes who are still some are still in, some have passed on, some are off doing fucking becoming doctors. But in that moment in time, you're captured and you understand that you mattered, your service mattered. It doesn't matter that you're not in a fucking Hollywood movie, it matters that somebody took the time to put your place in history amongst that team, dude.

SPEAKER_02 32:34

Amongst some incredible human beings that have gone for you and will come after you, man. Like I am yeah, dude. Damn, bro. I've had doubts like three times already, Danny. Like that is seriously though, man. Like I needed to hear that. Um, thank you for saying that, man. Because like that's a you summed it up very well. It's we're not looking for recognition. We're still silent professionals, man. And I don't need to be paraded around, nobody does. But to know that that photo is in that in that stairwell coming up that, you know, up from the from the D-Bay up to the team room, man, it means a lot, man. It it really does, because it it kind of cements that you were there. You're part of that, man. Just like you said, you were part of that brotherhood, and and that meant something, dude. It it did. And and I really struggled with that. Um, my wife, my amazing, beautiful wife has really helped me with a lot of that. My my my family, I've had an incredible support network, dude, or else I I honestly probably would not be here. Um, you know, all glory be it to God. Um mushrooms, thank you, God, for putting those on this planet for us. And and my incredible support network to include some incredible GBs and and you know, people from from from when we were in seventh group together that have really helped me along. And uh that's that brotherhood, man. It transcends and it continues and it never stops, man. And it's a beautiful fucking thing. Because I really struggled with, you know, do I even belong here? Was I what was I? Was I really a Green Beret? Like, did I really belong there? Did I do it? Did I do the thing? Did I crush it? Like, what was that to me? And for a long time, I honestly felt like I hadn't done anything. I really didn't even feel like I contributed much. And uh, it was the kind words of a lot of people saying, like, no, dude, like, look at what you did. Like, just because you made some of these mistakes that led you to where you're at right now, just not take away from everything that you did and that you accomplished. And that, and then it took a long time for that to sink in with me. But uh, and when it really I actually when I've started my journey to accept that that that I should be proud of what I what I did, and what I'm continuing to do was really started with uh it started with with uh my family, my support network, instilling that in and surrounding myself with those people. And then when it really took root is is when I started to love myself again.

SPEAKER_00 34:53

Dude, there it is. That little piece right there. Starting to love myself. The the hardest thing any fucking hard-charging man will ever have to do is embrace that concept.

SPEAKER_02 35:08

Embrace that concept. It is it is so hard, man. Like, you know, you're a free fall guy. I heard you, you know, you still gotta read the wins. So I this is it's so funny that you said that, because this is how I've summed up my my transition story for guys, because I just disappeared for like two years, brother. Like I just fell off the face of the earth, like most of us do, right? Maybe two and a half years. It was a while. But uh, you know, this is

Transition PDSS And Don’t Isolate

SPEAKER_02 35:32

how I explain it. Uh, I was coming in on final. You know where I'm going with this, and I was running with the wind.

SPEAKER_01 35:41

I was leaving, brother, and I was like, we're going this way, baby. I was running, I was running with the wind, baby.

SPEAKER_02 35:48

And I was coming in hot, man, and I wasn't checking my instruments, dude. And uh I wasn't reading the winds, man. And I came in on final and I was screaming. And when I landed, I tumbled, I ate shit for probably just tumbled one, you know, head over feet, you know, you get it. And then all the dust has kicked up, you know, the moon dust out there at in Eloy kicked up, and you know, everybody's checking in, and and I needed about two and a half years to conduct check-in, brother.

SPEAKER_01 36:16

And and now it's like all the dust is gone. I waved it away, and now I'm like, all right, man, leave it. I'm up, baby. I'm up, I'm good, boys. Dust almost did settle, right?

SPEAKER_00 36:32

Dude, take us through that, man, because we that's the one thing that I I tell guys. We we rely on a PDSS before we go through a mission. And we are great for that. Every every time I I talk to people about what helps me, and I still conduct PDSS, I still conduct it. When it comes to transition, when it comes to the end of a military career for the next guys, we need to be able to highlight that PDSS, be able to say, like, hey man, this is what I learned. 100% I went through. And that helps everybody else finally say, like, oh, okay. Well, I don't want to have to go through that exactly. So what do you need to do?

SPEAKER_02 37:14

Dude, and you know, here's the thing, man, like people are gonna struggle, right? And there's gonna be hardships with it, and it's gonna hit you in ways that you can't anticipate, that you can't plan for. Um and my biggest advice with that is to insulate, don't isolate. Insulate, don't isolate. Insulate, don't isolate. Alcohol is poison. Um stay away from the pharmaceuticals as best you can. You know, not a doctor, but you know, that's been my journey. And uh and and understand that uh and be open to realizing the fact that you don't know shit. Right? You don't know shit. Um and for me, you know, take it back to when I first got to group. I I joined because I wanted to be a patriot, I wanted to go to war. That's why I joined. I saw those things hit the towers when I was 13 in seventh grade, and I was like, okay, I I got something I need to do with my life, and that was the purpose that I had. My journey, um, I would, you know, I've you know been to combat, right? I only did two tours to Afghanistan. I I did eight to down south, and I did two tours to Afghanistan. Um I saw combat, right? Did the thing, had a great time, but my story isn't mainly combat from what I've experienced in my hardships with transition. You know, I've experienced those hardships with that. Um, but there's a lot that I haven't done, and there's a lot that I haven't seen from combat. And I'm I'm blessed and thankful for not having experienced those things. I've experienced a lot through that, but I've also there's a lot that I haven't experienced. There's a lot of other guys that have done so much more than I have in in terms of combat situations and combat deployments. And and those guys are my heroes, man. Like Denny, you're one of my heroes, bro. Like all you guys, man. I looked up to you guys that were there when I got there, especially a lot of those guys that had regular army experience before they came over, and a lot of regular army guys, man. Like, I learned so much from you guys, man, and I was so blessed to have had exposure to you guys and and the capability and the talent that you guys bring to the table in in any situation is is incredible. And then furthermore, just having the opportunity to to work with Flo in the and just the knowledge base and experience that he brings, man. I mean, I'm continuing to learn from people like you and from guys like Flo even now. And and I'm so blessed, and and that's why it took me a long time to work up the um the strength to really come out here and share my story because I really did struggle because I didn't do a lot of combat deployments. I mean, I was in the army for 15 years, joined in 2010, just retired in February of 25, and only got two as a as a special forces Green Beret, right? And that really, that was a really hard pill to swallow for me for a long time. Um, I didn't get my first trip until 27, 2016, after I'd already been in group for four years, you know, almost five years at that point. And uh that was a tough pill for me to swallow because that's what I joined to do. So that was part of my my struggle was well, what did I really accomplish? I only did two tours, you know, all my buddies did four, five, six, seven, eight, you know, and and here I was with two. And so I felt like, you know, I really compared myself to those guys, and I was like, man, I didn't do shit compared to these guys. And and that hurt, you know, that hurt, man. I mean, I was I wept, brother. I wept. And, you know, when I got handed that flag when I got out of this from the shoulder support center, I got handed a flag, and he was like, Thanks, bro, for your service. And I was like, I thought it was good. I was like, I want to walk in and grab this shit and I'm out. I'm going home. I'm gonna continue working for Apex. I was like, all good. Walked in, he handed me that flag, tunnel vision. My heart was racing. I almost didn't make it out of that building. And you know, and and I was training for the Savage Loot, you know, I was I just ran a 50k, right? Like, um, you know, I'm running ultra marathons, like I'm in good shape, brother. Like, or I was, you know. And, you know, that that's that's what happened. And that I didn't quite understand what that meant, and just all those emotions and everything. And but it was always very important for me that guys understood, like, you know, why are we struggling? Why am I struggling? And and it ties directly to why I think a lot of guys struggle, because I think they struggle with the same thoughts that I did, just in different ways. And and I thought that what I was struggling with was special to me, and I was alone, but that's not the case, you know, and and uh for me, like also, you know, with some of the mistakes that I made in my life that were probably symptoms of you know, PTSD and some of the things I experienced. But what ultimately led to a lot of the feelings of loss that I felt, you know, on top of losing guys like Rob and Mark, um, were really, you know, losing my daughters and my family. And, you know, that is what, you know, on top of what, you know, all the other loss that we had experienced, losing my tribe, losing my my career, losing my people, you know, losing Rob, losing Mark, figuring out what that meant to me. And then the, you know, as I frame it now, that, you know, the death of the innocence of my children at a at a at 10 and four years old. And I was a significant contributor to that. And then, you know, figuring out like how does that tie into already feeling a level of survivor's guilt with Mark, um, feeling like that I could have done more to help Rob, you know, in in his struggles and before he passed away. And and then you throw that in there, and so now I feel like I'm responsible for the death of the innocence of my children and and losing my family. It's just uh man, struggles. And and and the beautiful thing about that though is that there's a way forward, there's a way to rehabilitate that. And the best part, you don't have to do it alone. Yeah, and and and for me, you know, I I I really I man, I cheated on my wife more times than I can fucking count my ex-wife. And that's just the cold, hard reality of the life that I was living, right? And uh, and and that, and how I frame that now is like it takes a little bit of your soul each time because you you entered into a commitment with this individual. And whether you believe in God or not, you know, I do. I'm a deeply spiritual individual. I wasn't at that time, but but God was present in that commitment that I made to her at that time, even though I didn't acknowledge it, right? And and each time you make you make a decision like that for me now and how I look at it, and this is just for me, right? Like it is, you're kind of you're you're chipping away at your soul because who we are, we are men of integrity, right? And and we and our our word is our bond, and if I say I'm gonna do it, I'm gonna fucking do it. And living that life as a green braid, but then not living that life and the commitment I made to my wife. And family, you know, over time just eroded who I was as an individual. And it eroded away at my spirit, just one decision at a time, one mistake at a time. And, you know, and that, and then going to combat, thinking about killing people, training to kill people, talking about killing people. That's all you care about is killing. You just want to go out there and just get your fucking murder on, right? And, you know, just living that mentality day in and day out, it just slowly erodes at your spirituality and your emotional connection, your emotional health and your mental health. And as we go through all of that, and we can talk about, you know, um, I guess specifically my, you know, deployments and things like that, if you would like, you know, as we go through all that and I get to my transition phase, you know, I I literally was like, okay, I'm not gonna do this. Like, I'm not gonna make the same mistake again. I got it blew up in my face, uh, you know, and now I'm getting out and I'm recommitted to to rehabilitating myself. And I was doing it, I was killing it, or at least I thought I was, right? I was like, yeah, I'm doing all the things. I'm gonna go to Laurel Ridge, right? Like I did the thing. Flow literally, literally forced me to go to the psych's office, and then I was on the next thing smoking to a Laurel Ridge, bro. That was Flow. That's what Flow did for me.

SPEAKER_00 45:12

And from for me, it was uh I she's still practicing side. I don't want to uh put out her name, but um Yeah, I I know who you're talking about. It it was it was I finally like and we this it's the vulnerability, the finally having a vulnerability enough to confide in somebody that you're gonna do something stupid or irrational. Dude. And then instantly, instantly it was like, okay, we can go to Lower Ridge. We can go to Lower Ridge. You can go right now. Yeah, you can go. I was like, what?

SPEAKER_01 45:41

I thought I don't have to deal with this shit.

SPEAKER_02 45:45

I was like, dude, I I literally walked in the office, my face was sunken in. I I walk around at about 172 pounds-ish, and and that's in Ultimate, though.

SPEAKER_00 45:56

Massive hog, folks.

SPEAKER_01 45:58

Yeah, yes. Yes, dude. Brother, I walked into Flo's office.

SPEAKER_02 46:05

I I had my life had just blown up. My my wife had just my ex-wife had just caught in caught me cheating on her. Um, I had just bought a house in North Carolina. I was taking over the SOPC program. CSM Strong was bringing me up there. So, like, I mean, I had everything going for me. My my career was about to just take off, dude. I was being groomed by CSM Strong. I was super blessed to have a connection and a relationship with him. I love that dude, man. Um, shout out to him. Um, I got to see him again this last savage loop. He came down. That he's an incredible human being. And he's he's had so many that man has influenced me more in my leadership style and who I want to be today more than he'll ever realize. So shout out to him. Um same, same the the first and the thing. Incredible human being, man.

SPEAKER_00 46:48

I I I sincerely love that dude. Like I will tell you this. Uh we're we are not the only people that are feeling or feel this way. And when you look at the amount of time spent, because he was supposed to be our star major that we we went and and and like had this long long time with. We were supposed to get a a a longer time with the individual. I know. And things happened, and things happened. Things and things happen, right? But such a huge impact. He did our when we did the the last best ODA comp, I just got back from the war course, and and I'll take the segue just to highlight how great of an impact this dude is. He did the entire first half of that with us as a team and took the time while we were doing this whole thing, he's talking and engaging with us and figuring us out because we're all right. And crushing everybody and crushing everything. And like everybody else is fucking grinding, and this man's like talking at a conversational pace and engaging with you. Just chilling, bro. And he left it like from that and and then comes back towards the end of it and finishes it out with our team, and then continues to engage with and I'm nobody, I'm I'm fucking a brand new warrant officer coming back on this team, and that and he still takes time to get to know me, to talk, to engage with me throughout the rest of the time. And I don't I don't think people understand what it what and he and and and in and remind you like the people listening, this is a start major who still has to go about his day and engage with everybody else.

SPEAKER_02 48:23

But to be able to engage at a very high level, he's got he's got a lot of I call it the Rolodex. I'm gonna take one from Chewy Almonte. I heard a he was on a podcast and he's like, you know, you you know what I'm talking about. You know, you meet people, you put them in the Rolodex, and you gotta flip through that Rolodex and you gotta check on people. He's one of those men who has a very, very big Rolodex with a lot of names. And the fact that he still takes the time to do the I mean, it genuinely informed that genuine connection even at the lowest level. I mean, it meant it meant so much to me, man, and I was so blessed to have that relationship with him. And uh still am, you know, I still am blessed to have had that experience with him, and and uh yeah, just an incredible human being. So, you know, I had that with him, and and I had a lot of people looking out for me, man, and they really they really took care of me. A lot of incredible leaders in a lot of incredible locations, you know, in positions that that really took care of me. And uh, yeah, man, I I gave it all up. I was like, I was like, I'm getting out, boys, uh, after everything happened. And well, this is uh let me rewind. I'm sorry, I'm a little bit jumpy. Uh but uh yeah, I was sitting in Flo's office and lost like six, seven pounds after my wife had found out what was going on and everything imploded. And I was like, hey, Flo, you know, and this is just to give you an idea of where my mentality was at, where my mind was at. And I feel like a lot of guys are in the same shoes. I was hey Flo, I was like, this is who I am, this is what I'm doing. I was like, I'm you know, I laid it all out for him. You know, I'm driving around, I'm drinking, I'm smoking weed to go to sleep at night, I'm taking Adderall because I can't function or think during the day, which by the way, you know, I'm in the army, not supposed to be smoking weed. I was not prescribed Adderall. You know, I didn't care what it was. If I got my hands on it and it helped me do maintain whatever I needed to maintain, I was gonna do it, right? Um, I was in the car, my brother had come down, I brought him down for a week. I was skipping my daughter's fourth birthday party so that I could fuck around on my wife for another week down in Florida before I moved my family to Aberdeen, North Carolina to be the SOP C N C I C. That's what I was doing. And I was literally intentionally was more excited about chasing, you know, chasing tail and the panhandle than I was about attending my daughter's fourth birthday party, bro. And this is after missing every single, like all of her birthdays, the Christmases, the this, the that's and I looked at it as an opportunity to get one last hoorah in rather than you know actually going to Aber, you know, being with my family and taking that time to be with my family. And uh, and no shit, there I was. My my brother was driving the car. I was shit faced, and uh, and I had a gun in my hand, and a tourist had cut me off.

unknown 51:00

Oh fuck.

SPEAKER_02 51:01

Yeah, a tourist had cut us off. And I was like, all right, Jordan, this is what you're gonna do. You're gonna start to signal and and you're gonna try and wave him down. You're gonna try and get him to pull over right over there. I had a game plan, dude. And I was like, and if they pull over, I was like, I'm getting out of this car, and I was like, I'm fucking getting them. I was like, I'm fucking getting these motherfuckers, right? And uh, and thank God, you know, my brother's like, what the fuck, bro?

SPEAKER_00 51:27

Run that body one more time.

SPEAKER_02 51:29

Yeah, run that body one more time. He's a civilian, he had no idea what I was going through, right? And because I didn't tell anybody because I isolated and he didn't, thank God. And those people never pulled over and he knew and and he never signaled to none of that. But there I was, like in position three, right here with my Glock, ready to go. And and I was ready to execute. And, you know, I had my door, my hand on you know how it is, bro, preps, like hand on the door, gun was out, and thank God that never happened. And no shit. Um, there I am, you know, a week later in Flo's office, and I'm telling him the story, and I was like, this is the type of shit I'm doing, bro. And I was like, Do I have PTSD? Literally, I asked him, I was like, Do I have PTSD? I was like, or am I just crazy? Is this normal? Like, what the fuck is going on with me? Because I didn't think I had it. I was like, I didn't, I didn't have enough combat tours, you know, I didn't do this, I didn't do that. I was like, I'm not, I'm fine. Like, I don't have PTSD. There's so many more people that need that. And no shit, dude. And he looks at me, he goes, he goes, yes, it's normal. No, it's not okay. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 52:36

I was like, I was like, okay. All right, so not okay, Roger.

SPEAKER_02 52:42

Like, you know, and he was like, brother, I'm gonna get you on the next thing smoking uh to Little Ridge. And and no shit, hopped in the truck, drove me over there. I talked to the same same lady that you probably spoke to, was crying in her office, like just pouring, just weeping. And and I just was sitting there weeping, and I told her, I was like, I don't know what's wrong with me. Like, I don't know what's going on. I I I I can't connect. I'm in a room with people that love me and I hate them. I don't want anything to do with them. I feel completely alone. I I I can't I can't work, like I can't accomplish anything. My mind is everywhere. All I want to do is X, Y, or Z. Like, what is happening to me? And and she was like, she's like, she's like, I bet you're probably an incredible GB, aren't you? And I was like, I don't know. I was like, I don't think so. I don't feel that way. She started asking me some questions, and she was like, she's like, Brandon, she's like, I see this a lot with guys like you who are in similar positions where you are. Team Sarrants, they're about to go on to the next level, or they're incoming Team Sarants, and things are starting to catch up, and they've spent their entire careers focusing on everybody else. I'm like, well, yeah, of course. Like, you know, that's what we do. Like, what do you mean?

SPEAKER_01 53:53

Like, folks, you know, like are you saying that's a bad thing? You know, like a fucking idiot right now.

SPEAKER_02 54:04

And uh, she was like, you need to take some time for yourself. And she's like, you never did that, did you? And and then boom, I start crying again, and then I'm laughing, and then I'm mad, and then I'm crying, and then I'm laughing, and and boom, you know, they got me in the next thing smoking to Laurel Ridge, and I had and it saved my life.

Laurel Ridge And The Culture Problem

SPEAKER_02 54:23

Um, Laurel Ridge saved my life. Uh, shout out to the to who I had as a counselor. Um, I love that woman, she's she's an incredible human being. Uh, she tried to, she wanted me to stay, you know, extend that time past four weeks. Uh it was it was super difficult though. Um, but yeah, just I sorry man, I had so much to say.

SPEAKER_00 54:44

No, dude, continue, man. Continue because people need to hear it, man. When you're when you're able to be giving and allow yourself to share the the most painful, most difficult parts of your journey, you're giving somebody else the greatest gift possible, which is allowing them to make that decision to bypass all of that and start healing today. Like I had never heard anybody talk about going to Laurel Ridge, so I didn't have that. If I would have sat down with the city, I didn't even know what that was.

SPEAKER_02 55:17

I was like, I was like, what? I was like, Laurel Ridge? I was like, is that a person?

SPEAKER_00 55:22

All the treatments, like I didn't know anything about the star program. I didn't know anything about TBI, I didn't know anything about uh I knew a concussion was bad. I didn't know that I should keep track of them. I didn't know I had I had no idea. I didn't know that not passing your impact test was a big, big thing that I should have said.

SPEAKER_02 55:41

Bro, like yeah, I didn't know what any of this shit was. I thought I was just turning into a shitty green beret.

SPEAKER_00 55:46

Yeah. I dude, that and that's the shame, and that's the thing that drives so many of our guys, high performers, towards suicide. Because you you get to the point where you're thinking, I can't keep up. I I am so full of shame. I can't look at my senior, I can't look at my company warrant officer that I respect. I can't look at my battalion warrant officer that I respect. I can't look at the individuals to my left and right. I gotta look down at the ground when I walk past him because I used to outperform this guy. Now I can't even write a fucking email. I used to be able to perform and run and be able to do things with my team. Now I can't do. But I don't have a broken leg. I don't have a missing arm or leg. So I'm a piece of shit. Meanwhile, like everything in your body, everything in your mind is fucking deteriorating under all the stress, the cognitive overload, dude, the myriad of undiagnosed fucking things. Yeah. Because we don't know what's going on. And we don't have somebody that's like, hey, wait, wait, take a knee. What you're experiencing is this, this, this, this, and this. We can get you help and we'll get you back on a team in no time. We just need you to come over here for a few months, we'll do some diagnostics, we'll do some blood work, we'll figure out what's going on, but you're gonna be okay. It's not what that's not what happens. What happens is everybody else is wearing a mask. And the moment they see a chink in your armor, and because it's by nature, they have to be able, they have to continue doing the job, but they see it as a plague, and they say, No. That's exactly right.

SPEAKER_02 57:23

Put that piece of shit, put that 3X. Wait a minute. He's talking to he's talking to the fucking site department, yeah, get him the fuck out of here. I was that guy too, bro. I was I was that freaking guy, man. And and that's why when guys do that now, like I'm like, I get it, I get it, man. But here's my number. I want you to call me when you get out.

unknown 57:44

Yep.

SPEAKER_02 57:45

Exactly. I want you to call me when you get out, brother. Exactly. Because I I I got some I got some ideas for you. You know, and I wanna and I want to help you because I love you.

SPEAKER_00 57:53

Yep. There's there's there's a care about you're in a place. There's a time and place, and while you're still and we can, and and I try to explain it when I talk at these, you know, these big think tanks and in different groups, and it's like, look, man, like lethality is the most important thing. What if we can we we can help the culture change a little bit? But you can never take the focus away from being the mission and lethality. Take care of the individual better, but the culture has to be focused on the mission and lethality. And and it takes more smarter people. I'm focused on saving the human being and getting the stories out. But we can never say that the focus can't be lethality because the nation, nation still requires dudes that are ready to fucking pick up and go kick in some fucking doors, do their job, and crush individuals. But how do we take care of the human being?

SPEAKER_02 58:49

How do we take care of the yeah, mind, body, spirit, man? And you're absolutely right. And that's why, like, you know, when I when I decided to get out, a lot of guys, a lot of guys turn their backs on me, man. Some guys, some guys turn their backs on me, right? And dude, hey, man, I love you guys regardless. I love every single one of them. I I don't care because I was the same way. That's the culture. And I love every single one of those dudes, anyways, and I would do anything for them because you're 100% right, Denny. And this took me a long time to realize it. I mean, it hurt for a long time. It really broke my heart. It it broke it really did. It broke my heart. Um, but uh, you know what, man? Like I love those dudes, man, and they had a they have a mission, and that mission cannot be compromised, and they have to continue to to to accomplish that mission. We need that, our nation needs that. And and I deep have a deep amount of respect for that. And and now I'm just blessed to be on the other side of that and to be able to give back.

SPEAKER_00 59:44

Exactly. Exactly. Be able to give back. Be able to be there when they need you.

SPEAKER_02 59:49

Like and that's why I tell every time I'm like, yo, pass my number out, give my number to this guy, give my email, like anything. You tell these dudes to call me immediately. I will stop what I'm doing. I don't care what I'm doing, and I'm gonna have a conversation with this dude. I'm gonna do everything in my power to get the this guy the help that he needs, you know, because that's what we have to do. We're not, we're, you know, there's just we we transition out, we get out, we go poof. And it's like bye-bye. And then it's like, so none of that knowledge gets passed down, man. So, like what you're doing, there's a huge need for that. And and um, yeah, thanks for thanks for letting me be a part of it, man. Like, this needs to happen, and we gotta tell more guys about our our stories, man.

SPEAKER_00 1:00:26

It does get it out, and it's it's up to us, otherwise, like this is an important part of the warrior tribe that's been forgotten. The people that actually lived it, that actually didn't, that actually have a way to connect, and not a grifter that's like trying to capitalize and monopolize the the situation. It needs to be a hundred percent for the individuals to go through and and and and talk and encourage that discussion. And and and that's the the thing that I I I hate when when people say, well, my story doesn't matter. It absolutely fucking matters. It doesn't matter if your MOS with 88 mic or 92 fucking.

SPEAKER_02 1:01:14

It doesn't eat it doesn't. Your story's important, right?

SPEAKER_00 1:01:17

Exactly. It deserves a purpose for the other guy, the other gal that's going through it, that needs some sort of we all want to have a reflection of somebody that we can to look at and identify as like, oh, you have a piece of my story.

SPEAKER_02 1:01:31

Exactly, because a piece of my story is really gonna resonate with somebody else, man. And and check it out, dude. Tomorrow I'll probably struggle with the same thing that the same struggles that we're talking about. It's an everyday thing. It's a journey. It's a journey, man. Exactly. I just embrace it and I appreciate it, and I try and bring Jesus with me everywhere I go, you know? And and and that's one thing that you know that I want to harp on that I think is really important, that that I missed for the majority of my transition.

Mushrooms, Gratitude, And The Third Pillar

SPEAKER_02 1:01:57

I got out, went to Lower Ridge, did great, full stop, came back in four weeks, and I was like, all right, I'm ready to crush the world, was on cloud nine, right? Got back, guess what happened? I fell right back into my old habits. Fell right back into my old habits from about May until probably October of that next year. And uh literally, dude, like literally fell right back into my old habits. Um, I started drinking a lot again, smoking weed. I was still in, fucking around with women. I was single this time, right? So I can do whatever I want, but still living the same life, you know? And for me, you know, I was like, okay, I'm good. I'm good mentally. I went to outpatient when I got back, you know, I know all the tools, I'm smart enough, I can apply them. Like, yeah, whatever, I'm done with therapy, fuck off, right? As I'm doing this, I have an incredible individual. Back to your point, you know, it's not just about, it's it's about introducing these new individuals and trail angels into your network as well, who are civilians who may have never served. Uh, got a guy, his name is Zach. Shout out to you, Zach. Literally saved my life. Another individual who was a trail, incredible trail angel to me. He heard about what was going on in my life. And uh he sent me a big bag of mushrooms, a scale, a playlist, a journal, and a set of instructions. And uh he said, brother, he goes, I've been through some shit. He goes, I can't empathize what you're going through because I never served. He's like, but I've been through some shit. He goes, You need this. And I was like, I don't need no fucking drugs. I was like, I'm doing this sober. I was like, I'm not doing any pharmaceuticals, I'm not, but I'm fucking pounding alcohol and smoking weed, right? It doesn't make any fucking sense. And taking out a roll. I literally can't get off the couch past noon because I have, you know, because I'm just so fatigued all the time. And uh there I am, dude, like no shit, feeling the same habits. And uh I remember I was shit face drunk, uh, listening to some music in my townhome in Fort Walton Beach, Florida. And uh, and I'm literally texting my mom, and I'm like, mom, I can't get the hate out of my heart. I was like, I don't know what's wrong. I've been to Laurel Ridge, I've done this, like, you know, I but I cannot, I can't get the hate out of my heart. I'm so filled with hate. I was like, I can't live like this anymore. I can't, I can't do it. I can't fucking do it. And there I am, didn't want to do it, right? But there I am, shit face drunk, gun in my hand, round in the chamber, sitting on my stairwell, by myself, completely isolated, right? Insulate, don't isolate, right? Completely by myself. I ain't calling fucking nobody. I got a ton of people I can call. A ton of people I can call. Not calling anybody. I'm like, I'm just literally sitting there crying. I I don't want to do it, but I'm like, what the fuck else is going on? I'm looking at the gun. I look up and I look to my left and boom, on the counter is a big bag of mushrooms. And uh I was like, well, got nothing else to lose, right? Like, why not? So skip the scale, reach my hand in that bag, grab a big handful, like we all, you know, didn't listen to any, didn't listen to any of the instructions that old boy told me to do, right? Nothing. No intention. I was didn't set the intentions, no, no playlist, nothing, bro. Straight to the dome. So reach in there, grab a big handful of mushrooms, straight to the dome. Um and I'm like, all right, just like munching on these things, like these taste like shit. Uh and I'm like, all right, is the hate gone? Like supposed to get rid of the hate, right?

SPEAKER_01 1:05:16

Shit doesn't work.

SPEAKER_02 1:05:18

Well, next next thing you know, hits me. And I'm in my bed upstairs uh at this point. This is kind of where the memories start to kick back in for me. And um the overwhelming journey and feeling of gratitude, love, connection. I mean, it was just over, it was overwhelmingly powerful. And I was up all night. Uh, didn't go to bed till I mean it was like an eight, nine hour trip, dude. Like I was up all night, literally just laying in bed, crying, just thanking my family. I sent text messages out to everyone telling them how much I appreciated them and loved them and how much they meant to me, which this is kind of funny. So through that experience, it was the most one of the most profound feelings and experiences I've ever had in my life. And as I sent all those text messages out, you know, I passed out at like six in the morning, seven, whatever it was, right? So I'm passed out. My whole family's waking up and they're like, oh my God, Brandon killed himself. Oh brother, my family, I I had such a lack of connection and show of love and gratitude for my family that when I finally did, for the first time ever in my childhood, my adult life, that I ever expressed gratitude and love for my family, they thought I killed myself.

unknown 1:06:48

Damn.

SPEAKER_02 1:06:49

And they were freaking out, everybody's trying to call me. Like they're, you know, I mean, literally they thought I killed myself. They wake me up and I'm like, oh my, oh, serial levels are crashed. I'm like, what the fuck?

SPEAKER_01 1:06:58

What do y'all want? I'm like, I'm fine. I told you I loved you last night. I told you I loved you. Like, what do you mean I killed myself?

SPEAKER_02 1:07:07

You know? And but as I started thinking about it, I was like, oh. Oh. And and so that kind of that kind of started, that initiated the the the mind-body spirit thing for me. Um fast forward, I met I met my incredible now wife. Um, she's been essentially my spirit guide through all this. Um, and I've had some more trail angels in my life who introduced me to other things that have helped me heal, like my diet, my nutrition, the way I eat now. Um, you know, really with the mushrooms and in my diet, once I got my gut health right, it really has propelled me into the next stages of healing. And and then, you know, continuing to to also drink though, and and fall into some of those same habits, I fell into the same, I made, I attempted to make the same mistake that I had with my previous wife. And um, and through the grace of God, she she forgave me. But she was like, she goes, you know, I can only forgive you through the love of Christ that He shows for me and the level of forgiveness that He has for us. And he's she was like, the only way that you're gonna get through this is if you accept, you know, Christ into your heart. And I was like, okay, having been raised a Mormon and being raised, been raised in a cult, um, you know, religion was a very funny thing for me. My spirituality was a very funny thing for me. I was basically anti-any of that. I was agnostic, I didn't believe in it. And uh, okay, I'm gonna give this the best shot that I can. And so I I really started digging into people's transition stories, dude. And that's where I found your podcast again. And or I found your podcast. And I you started listening to guys like the Sean Ryan show, Joe Rogan, and just anything I could find on on guys and their transition stories and how they found success. And and the one thing that I found common to all, the one thing that I found common to all, because we're all experts in identifying patterns, right? The one thing that I found common to all was their spirituality, and they got back in touch with their Lord and Savior, you know, and our Heavenly Father. And and I was like, oh, it was like light bulb moment, bing. I was like, that means something, right? And so I really started digging into that and uh and starting that healing journey and you know, reading this book, started reading the Bible with my wife, and and then we were literally at a Mexican restaurant in Shalimar. We were at uh Peppers in in Shalimar. Yeah, Peppers in Shalimar. And uh she literally just randomly turned around and asked me, she goes, Do you accept you know your Lord and Savior Jesus Christ in your heavenly father as your one true savior? Your Lord, your Lord and Savior, or Jesus Christ as your one and true savior. And dude, like I'd been thinking about it a lot, I'd been chewing on it, and I can't remember if this was pre or post getting baptized, but I was like, I was like, Oh no, I'm sorry, this was before I got baptized, and I was like, and dude, it just it hit me like a ton of I mean it's like I got struck by lightning when she asked me that question, and I just vomited out my truth. And dude, it I mean, and then after that, I I got baptized. Um, after that, you know, I really started taking this spiritual journey a lot seriously, a lot more seriously. I really tightened, I I got my diet under control again. Um, I really cut down on my drinking, and it took that piece because I was so focused on mental and emotional, right? Because that's the tools that we have, right? And that's what we understand, but what we don't have context of and what we don't understand because we're not the boots on the ground of the spiritual realm, right? I wasn't trusting the guy on the ground. I wasn't. And and then once I realized that I was missing the one thing to tie all of the rest of this together, I was missing the biggest piece of the pie. And then once I found that out, I mean, dude, it's been a couple years, there's been a lot of hardships and struggles since then, but it really, I mean, dude, everything has started to fall into place after that.

SPEAKER_00 1:11:12

Bro, it's mind, body, and spirit. And I always say it's the last pillar for a lot of us. It was my last pillar. It was my last pillar too. Everything the military teaches us is the body, hardening, and we we tend to think the mind too, but it's mostly like military knowledge retention, skills, not building the fortitude of the mindset as far as like mindfulness, meditation, being able to control rumination. Because some of the most anxious individuals, most depressed individuals are guys that I served with. Like you take one thing from us, you take our ability to perform physically, that mind shatters. I that was a that was the one thing for me. I couldn't do the thing that I thought I was gonna do for the rest of my life because now my mind is failing me. Now my mind is all like my body's failing me, my mind's failing me. There was no third pillar to support me. There was no third pillar for me to say, no matter what the fuck happens to my body, no matter what happens to my mind, I can return to you and focus on you and ask for you for strength and and just devote myself to morning prayer and say, you know what? I don't whatever's ailing me, I know that I'm gonna be it'll dissipate. I know that the suffering, whatever I'm going through, it will dissipate. Exactly, exactly. And and and and a shout out to uh Kirby for writing this book, Kirby Calhoun, uh single set of boot prints. He's been with you your entire military career. You just didn't know it.

SPEAKER_03 1:12:54

Dude, right?

SPEAKER_00 1:12:55

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 1:12:55

I and as since ever since I accepted, you know, I accepted God into my heart and I professed my my love for not just myself, for him and for myself again. I look back and I'm like, oh yeah, I definitely should have been dead then. Yeah. Thanks, bro. Yeah, oh that too. And you're like, yep, yep, yep. You just start seeing his hand and so many things. And and and then it begs the question of, well, why me? Right? Like, why was I spared? You know, what's my purpose, you know, here in and shout out, so shout out to Mike Sanders too, man. He baptized my wife and I in the boat. No way, yeah, yeah. He baptized my wife and I. I just had to say that. Shout out to Mike Sanders. I love that man. He does that man on the podcast. You do need to get that man on the podcast, dude. He's an incredible human being. I love Mike Sanders. He baptized my wife and I. Um, you know, and I asked him to do so. And he's like, well, just so you know, I'm not an ordained priest. I was like, I don't care, brother. So my relationship is directly with God, and I know you have a relationship with God, and I know I know this is cool. And uh, yeah, it was it was it was beautiful, man. So yeah, I got baptized uh by Mike Sanders uh with my wife. Beautiful thing. And yeah, to your point, you're you're so right, dude. You're you're you're 100% right. The spirituality piece is generally always the last pillar that we focus on. And if we could get guys to kind of change their mindset and to focus on that first, you know, I really think we it could help a lot of guys. But the funny thing about that is that it always happens at the time that it should, right? And you just got to be open to seeing it, you know, and we always attack every problem set with just aggression and you know, with the 120, 90, 60, 30-day mindset, you know, and the five-meter target, the 25. Okay, and we'll accomplish, we'll take over the fucking world with that mindset, man. You know, but but that is not the mindset that I found worked for me in my transition and healing myself. What I realized was no, no, no, no, no, it's not that. It's I don't know shit. I'm gonna give it up to God. I'm gonna bring him with me down this path that I'm gonna choose to go down. And and hopefully it's the intended path. But I'm open, I am open and willing to explore other paths that he puts in my way, that he puts, that he, that he puts in front of me. You know what I mean? And then just looking for opportunities to betray angels for other guys. And once I like realized that, like, oh, wait a minute, I don't have to do this on my own, and he's got my back. It was like this weight was just lifted off my shoulders and like this this profound feeling of peace just washes over you. And you know, there's constant stressors that that that detract from that every day. Anxiety, stress, hypervigilance, traffic. I hate traffic, right? I live in Atlanta, just little things like that that try and fuck that up, you know? And and it does. And but at least now I I now have the foundation of I know where to go back to to find that peace again. And now I have the option to make that decision. Whereas before I didn't, you know, and and I'll go sometimes I'll go a week, man. Well, I'll fall back into that mentality, dude. But but it takes an incredible woman that says, hey, dude, like you're kind of being a jerk. What's going on? And I'm like, I'm not a jerk, like, you know, you're a jerk. Get over it. This is who I am. You know what, dude. And I'm like, no, you're a jerk. And uh, and so that's you know, that's basically I'm sorry, I'm getting a work call. I apologize. And uh it did away with the uh there we go. I apologize about that.

SPEAKER_00 1:16:33

No, you're good, man.

SPEAKER_02 1:16:34

Uh yeah, man. So it it literally, that's what it took. And and uh yeah, man, it's it's a beautiful thing. I kind of lost my train of thought here because things are at work are blowing up. I apologize.

SPEAKER_00 1:16:45

Oh, you're good, man. The uh the the idea that we can do this journey on our own, like it it's it changes when you get tested. It changes when you go through difficult things.

SPEAKER_02 1:16:56

Yeah, that's exactly right. Yeah, yeah, identifying a healthier lifestyle pattern, man, is kind of what pulled me out of essentially just making repeat mistakes over and over again. And uh, you know, look really looking for meaningful connection, man, and and and changing, changing the way that I think, changing the way I look at people, you know what I mean, change the way I interact with people and looking at people as a human being, as as a spirit that I'm also connected with, you know what I mean, and that that vastly changes your outlook, and then you start seeing problem sets in a different way, and and then you start attacking problem sets in a different way, whereas as opposed to aggression, like we mentioned before, we attack it with grace and love and and and kindness, especially when it comes to solving problem sets in our own lives.

SPEAKER_00 1:17:39

Yeah, man. Dude, I I can't thank you enough for being here today and being you know willing to share your journey, dude, because when we see it, and I know you like every good humble dude um you'll always combat this, but like people need to be able to see their their icons, they're they're the dudes that did so well in the profession and see the humility, see the humble spirit, be able to see the hey struggle as part of the human condition, to be able to say, like, oh shit, man. Like, dude, if Brandon can sit up here and and show his entire journey, the good and the bad, then I don't have to feel shame. I don't have to feel guilt. I don't have to sit here. It's just me that's going through this. It allows everybody to say, like, okay, like I can do this too. I can get to where Brandon's at and I can start running again. That's how it started for me.

How To Connect With Brandon

SPEAKER_01 1:18:40

Hell yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:18:41

Dude, thank you so much, brother. If people want to connect with you and and and get some more personal insight, uh, where can they meet you or where can they find you online?

SPEAKER_02 1:18:50

Uh I'm on LinkedIn. Uh I do have Facebook. I don't ever really check it. Um yeah, they can absolutely always reach out to my email as well, brandonj arenas at gmail.com. Um, I would invite anybody to reach out to me and ask questions. I mean, I I truly, truly am passionate about helping anybody. It doesn't matter who you are, your story is important. It doesn't matter if you saw combat. It doesn't matter if you only did one tour or two tours, right? Like myself. It doesn't matter, man. Please, like I want to help anybody that I can. If you know somebody who's struggling, please reach out to me and I will open up my network to you and I will do everything in my power to help you out. And I and I sincerely, sincerely mean that. Oh yeah, man. So thank you, Denny, for letting me to share this story. And this is also this has been one of the final steps, not final steps, but this is one of the steps in my healing journey was to come on a podcast like this and and feel comfortable enough and secure enough in my story to share it. So thanks, dude, for allowing me to do this. This is a part of my healing journey too, that you're still allowing me to go on. You're facilitating that. And uh, I really hope that if this just helps out one person and this one person calls me, man, um, freaking worth it a million times over. And just to reconnect with you in this fashion, man, is a beautiful thing. And I'm I'm blessed to have had this opportunity, man. So I sincerely, from the bottom of my heart, thank you.

SPEAKER_00 1:20:10

Thank you, brother. And it will. Um, it's a it's it's proven every single time people come on and and share their story. People reach out and they're like, holy shit, dude, like this helped me in this way and in this way. So I know it will. And guys, if you're listening, please do me a favor, pause, go to episode description, click those links, connect with Brandon. Uh, share us the insight. Let us know if it's helped you, and uh, I will share the feedback with Brandon because uh I we desperately need a part two now to go longer. Um Yeah, I would welcome that, man.

SPEAKER_02 1:20:44

And and I'll do some more preparation for it so I'm not bouncing around with the.

SPEAKER_00 1:20:49

We we stick to the way we used to do it. Sometimes we say fuck it, we're doing it live.

SPEAKER_02 1:20:54

Yeah, send it, bro. I love to send advice, man.

SPEAKER_00 1:20:56

Hell yeah, man. Thank you so much for tuning in, guys. Brandon, thank you for being here, and we'll see y'all next time. Take care. Later, brother.