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Clinton Beaudel Dooley: Trauma, Psychedelics & the Power of Faith in Healing

• Deny Caballero • Season 7 • Episode 366

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In this powerful episode, host Deny Caballero sits down with Clinton Beaudel Dooley to explore his profound journey of healing, recovery, and self-discovery after military service. From navigating the emotional fallout of divorce and trauma to the transformative role of psychedelics, faith, and community, Clinton shares raw insights into what it takes to rebuild from the inside out. His story is a testament to the importance of asking for help, doing the inner work, and finding purpose through serving others.

 

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SPEAKER_01:

Hell yeah, dude. It's been a minute. You've uh you were one of our first big time guests. That episode did really fucking well. That was uh it's still on my top ten most downloaded episodes. So people, yeah, yeah, people really love your story, man. Uh that's uh that's a testament to the authentic and impactful nature of your story.

SPEAKER_00:

Oh, I'm sitting here looking at all your new interviews, going, damn, dude, I I should have waited around until I get all this new hotness, you know. Like you you're killing it though, man. I I see your feeds all the time, man. You're bringing on people, uh what they're saying is bold, it's brave, it's what needs to be said. Um just need more people to do it. Yeah, man. You know, uh every person who comes out and says just a little piece of their story, it's a puzzle piece. The way I look at it is it's kind of like a puzzle piece. I have a piece of the puzzle, you have a piece of the puzzle, and all your guests and all these other veterans have a piece of this puzzle. And the shame, the the crying shame is when someone takes their life, yeah, they take that puzzle piece with them. And what we're trying to do is we're I think enough people are talking right now where we got the borders of the problem and you know, some of those inch, you know, the depths of it are outlined, but it's taking all those other people to put their piece into the the pot so we can figure out what the full picture looks like.

SPEAKER_01:

God man, so well said, dude. It's like you're an author and a writer and polished.

SPEAKER_00:

I have none of those things. I I wrote one book, you know, a couple years ago, self-published it, and it just kind of was one of those things where it's like, well, I did my part, I handed out to everybody that I meet that says that they're going through a difficult time or they know a veteran. And I you mean it's hard, man. It's hard to get the the uh the attention of a publicist. You know, I reached out to uh what is it, literary agents and all that stuff, never heard anything back, like whatever. But then it that all that all sorted itself out at the beginning of this year.

SPEAKER_01:

So yeah. Well, dude, catches up. What have you been up to, man? It's been a while, it's been a few years. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

Um, well, I was medically retired from seventh group back in uh May of 2022. My command um let me spend that last year that I was in putting the book together. Uh the the backdrop story to that is my last deployment, my first appointment was Iraq 03, and then my last deployment as a Green Beret was in uh 2020. So I got back from that, and January of 21, um my uh wife at the time came in, she found me completely shit face drunk with a gun in my head, and that's how the book kicks off. And the following day I went to my, I guess in the in the confusion and all that, I left the house and I went to my motorcycle club's clubhouse and I passed out on the couch. Well, that next morning when I wake up, uh, you know, my entire chain of command is around me, my company commander, sergeant major, team, you know, club guys, and I didn't have my gun on me when I sat up, my concealed carry, and I was like, oh shit, it finally happened. Yeah, I killed somebody. They're here to take me to jail. And when they told me I hadn't hurt anybody and what actually happened, I broke down, uh, told them I needed help, and then I went to the hospital. And in that in the hospital setting for 30 days, I was kind of like in all these support groups and going, man, I wrote something like that. I wrote something like that. So eventually I got my some of my writings sent to the hospital and I started sharing them with the staff and uh other uh veterans that were in, were hospitalized with me at the time, and they were like, dude, this is great. Well, right before I left, um, right before I left the hospital, I found out a former teammate or guy from 110, one of my best friends, he killed himself. And all my old teammates from 110 were trying to get a hold of me, going, bro, where are you at? We don't want to leave this on a voicemail, but you know, EB's dead, man. He killed himself by call us. And I had to call them back and say, brother, the reason why you can't get a hold of me is because 28 days ago, I almost did the exact same thing. I'm in the hospital right now. So from that, we put together the book. I told the guys, I was like, I think I'm gonna write a book. And they're like, You write?

unknown:

I was like, yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

You can barely spell. You're a you're a smart Bravo. You need the hammer and the marquee, and you go up to the board and check your butt. And I was like, no, I think I I think I can do it. And uh eventually we put it all together and we published the book, self-published the book. From the time you and I did our interview together uh years ago, um, that was just that was it. That was that was as far as I I put I got it out of my head, got it with an editor, put it all into one package. Well, since then I posted it on online book club, um, and I've gotten hundreds of of reviews from non-military people reading it. And that was the encouragement that I needed to say, okay, this we still need to do another final round of editing. I'm not happy with the book as it sits. So we trimmed it down from 230-something pages down to like 176, really like taking out all the repetitiveness and just sticking with the message of it's okay to ask for help, no one's gonna pull your man card. If you if you really want the the world around you to get better, you need to focus on the world inside of you. Yep. You are manifesting, you know, scary things around every corner because that's just your frame of mind, you know. Everything was speed, surprise, violence of action. Well, I was going to the grocery store, speed surprise, violence of action, speed surprise, violence of action, it wears you down. You know how this goes. You don't sleep, you just and then you start drinking to help knock yourself out. And this is the interesting part is that after a couple of really long bouts of you know, heavy drinking, some of the guys from the motorcycle club, they were like, Do you remember anything? I'm like, nah, he was like, You were you were crying. I was like, Really? That doesn't sound like me. Yeah, and then and I eventually figured out what that was. What that was was that the exterior was saying, I don't have strong emotions, I'm fine, I'm mission capable, I'm good to go, I'm in the green. But my subconscious was full. And when I consciously checked out because of all the booze, all that other aggression and stuff, and all that hurt and you know, trauma came to the surface. It was in that that I was like, fuck, after I got writing the book, I was like, I still don't feel like I um I feel like I have a lot of work left to do. And life kept hitting me over and over and over again. Uh, an example of that was I was in Colorado uh for the SFA convention a couple years ago, and we were uh the guys with the Special Forces Brotherhood, we were riding through the mountains, and the guy that I went up there with from Duke Field, uh, he died right next to me in a motorcycle accident. And that brought, you know, we're putting out, we're on the side of the road, we're doing the Medevac thing. I'm contacting his wife and his family, and it just it brought so much shit up to the surface. And I started drinking again that night, and but I was able to put a bottle on it. A cat, I was like, no, don't go down this road anymore. But the the the fuse was lit.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

Trauma with pre, I don't know how you put it, um, your your natural reaction to trauma is to shut down drink, and now all of a sudden you need something to fight, you need something to focus this anger on. Yeah, and in that, a lot more damage to my uh relationship with my uh wife happened because of that. Um, it was back and forth, back and forth. I was kicked out, I'm back, kicked out, I'm back. And then my favorite aunt in the entire world died suddenly of a heart complication. I was like, oh shit. So I flew to St. Louis, and uh on the way back from St. Louis, I found out another immediate family member of mine was really, really sick. So I stayed in the ICU with them for a month. Thank God uh that all worked out. But then as soon as I got back here to Florida and I'm trying to patch things up, my grandmother, basically the woman who who raised me uh died. And a month after that, Merit and I finally called it quits, and I'm getting a divorce after 18 years. So I literally sat in this chair. I didn't have this place, I had to get this place. So I sat in this chair and I probably looked at an empty fireplace. I didn't have any furniture or anything. I just looked at that empty fireplace for about 90 days, not just numb, couldn't move. And slowly but surely there was an interesting uh, I was telling this story to somebody the other day, but uh we were on we were in selection, we've all been there, right? We're on the final track, and a buddy from mine who was a former Marine, uh, he was in my team week and he rolled his ankle over and over and over again. And I went up to Jared and I was like, Jared, hey man, I know we're not supposed to you know buddy up on this, but I'll walk with you. We'll get you to the finish line. And we're about five miles out from McCall, and Jared just limping along. I can't do it anymore. I need to take a break. And he sits down on the side of the road.

SPEAKER_01:

Oh no.

SPEAKER_00:

And then I sat down right next to him, and the moment my butt hit that dirt, it's the same feeling I had in this chair. It was if you don't get up right now, if you don't get up right now, you are never going to get up. You are not going to achieve what you know you have in you to achieve, but you have to get up right now. And as soon as I stood up on the side of the road with Jared, man, my feet had already swollen like three sizes because I took the pressure off him. I get his ass up. He finished, I finished, and that's kind of that's the kind of what we did with uh with with life that kept hitting. I um I was helping a buddy of mine put together a CrossFit gym that he owns. And I told God, I told the universe, I told you know my higher power, I was like, I need I need help. I'm off I'm off the path, and I need I need people that can help me. And a week later, this guy that I was just helping him put together CrossFit stuff. Um he calls me up and he's like, Hey, I just got an invite uh for this trifecta study. I can't do it, obviously, but I instantly thought of you. He's like, I was like, what is it? And he goes, I think you'll go to Mexico and do some drugs. And I'm like, I'm in.

SPEAKER_01:

Mexico drugs, are you in?

SPEAKER_00:

Say no more. I'll bring my own fighting chicken. I don't care. Whatever, whatever the custom thing is.

SPEAKER_01:

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SPEAKER_00:

Uh and it was the trifecta study, and the trifecta study is three things. He sends you down to Ambio Clinic uh in Tijuana, and they do the 5MEO DMT combined with the ibogaine treatment.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, brother.

SPEAKER_00:

I I can't say enough good things about that clinic and the professionalism of it. Um it was definitely an experience.

SPEAKER_01:

Bro, let's dive into that because I did a journey here and I had a shaman come to the house.

unknown:

Woo!

SPEAKER_01:

Old Ranger Regiment guy that um became skilled in the medicine, did five MEO, uh the MTM.

SPEAKER_00:

You are the second person who told me about this guy. It was it's always this shaman ranger regiment guy, whoever you are out there, God bless you, sir.

SPEAKER_01:

Brother, I mean, we went to war for five hours, man. I've never been uh I never felt more at ease, more cared for. I mean, that dude, that dude was right there with you. The one, I mean, and and you know it's progresses. The first one, it's like it's nice and easy, you see some things, and then the second, the third, the fourth, the fifth, and that final one, man. Like every single step of the way, that dude was there with you. Like a real, like you're going to war and you've got you've got the best fucking dude. Who better to take you on that journey than a dude from Ranger Reg?

SPEAKER_00:

Did he bring in like elephant tusks and all sorts of stuff?

SPEAKER_01:

Oh, yeah, dude. He brought it all. Same guy then. It brought it all, man. We went to war and he brought every weapon system. Um, and it's important too because uh a big aspect of it is the sound, the vibrations. Uh and for me, man, like when I started, I think the first one was very gentle. The second one was a little different, a lot of different experiences. That third one, the closest I can describe it to people, and put your sci-fi hats on, folks, is that moment at Interstellar when Matthew McConaughey is getting pulled into the gravity of the black hole, gargantua. And you can see in the movie like the vibrations of the ship and and pulling everything that that's the feeling all through, you're feeling all through your body. Like you're you're you're moving into something new, and then boom, the medicine starts talking to you. You start, you start engaging with something that's not from this plane of existence, and it's not showing whatever intention you had, you know, you you did all the prep work, you had intention of what you wanted to do. The medicine looks at you and it says, okay, like I understand, but this is what you need to see. This is what I'm here to show you. We're gonna see this. And dude, like for me, I I thought I was going into the face, the things that I it was right before my daughter was born. I thought I was facing all the things that I had gone through as a child, all the pain, all the agony, the things I I hadn't let go enough or made peace with. And that wasn't it. What I needed to see was at one point I did have a father, and I did have a father who loved me and cared for me, and my biological father never really knew him. I had fragments of I remember you talking about him the first time. Yeah, I had I had pictures that my my biological mother had cut the head off. So I didn't have a like understanding. I always saw these pictures with his head cut off. Brother, I experienced all those moments where he did hold me, where he did have that feeling of being proud to have a kid, of me, not just any other kid, of me holding me as his son, and I'm like, oh shit. I always thought I didn't know what it was like to be loved by a father, to be cared for by a father figure. And medicine gave me that. It gave me the ability to see that. So then when I experienced bringing my little one into the world, like because you know, a lot of people are like, I don't want to see that. No, I watched the entire thing, I saw that little head come all the way through, and when they rolled it over, that was the first, like, boom, locked eyes. I'm like, that's my kid.

SPEAKER_00:

And they tell you that with the Ivy gain, that they'll tell you what you're doing is so to lay the groundwork here. Uh, there's really one thing that anybody watching this that hasn't had any type of these experiences, um, one thing that you have to wrap your mind around. And this is this is something I just kind of stumbled into in my early days of AA and some other stuff back in the day, um, was my sponsor at the time, he was like, Dooley, you s you seem to have a lot going for you, but you're stuck in this one area. And once this thing once you flip this, you'll it's gonna unlock something, and it's just an endless hallway of possibilities, and you need to go behind and look every door. And he said, You think that you're a human being here trying to have a spiritual experience? Reverse it. You're a spiritual being here to have a human experience to grow spiritually. And I was just like, for whatever reason, I knew that that was the truth. But it it it it hit me, and it might be hitting somebody that's hearing this for the first time, listening to this. That I was like, why the heck? Like, yeah, think about it, think about it, think about it. Where were you before you you you showed up here? Where are you going after this place? Think about it in that context. So then you start adding these um, the earth has given us everything we need in order to remember our purpose here.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

And that's where you start to get into some of the shamanism, you start to get into some of the psychedelics, you start to get into these reality altering, and I don't think it really alters reality. I think what it does is changes our vibrations so we can then experience higher realities.

SPEAKER_01:

I think that's a key word, man. Like you you They're always there.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, we are just vibrating at a lower frequency. Thus, the the lower is the when you are at your your lowest vibrational frequency is before you have a near-death experience. There's something about a near-death experience, there's something about being around life and death. War does that to you?

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, that portal.

SPEAKER_00:

All of a sudden you you become aware that this is a finite experience. It is here one minute, gone the next, and what does it all mean? Why, why why is it that I can even contemplate my existence if it doesn't mean anything? Yeah. And then you start to kind of pull at that thread, and these psychedelics one by one, I've had like three or four experiences that really shook me up. The first one was a ketamine experience. We were we were in Afghanistan, uh, one of our one of our freaking uh jundis. Allegedly huge. Allegedly. And I had the great idea of figuring out uh talking to one of the the doctors if they could put, you know, we put under this guy, and he kept coming up to me every day, like after we we we fixed this huge cyst in his back. And and he was talking to me through the interpreter, but he was basically, what'd you give me? Can I have some more of it? And I was like, I don't know. And then so I had to ask the doc who did the procedure, and he was like, Oh, that's just ketamine. And I was like, What does ketamine do? He goes, it did it disassociate, it disassociates your brain from your body, so we can hack off limbs and do all sorts of you know necessary field procedures. I was like, Can I try? And he's like, No. And I I kind of did what the Jundy was doing to me. I walked around and I just and he's like, fine, I'll put you out for 15 minutes. And as he's pushing it, fade to black. I broke apart into a billion pieces of energy, but I identified with one. And it was there was darkness, and I was going through like this this wave, and I had no recollection that I had ever lived, I had no recollection of my life, I had no thing, but I identified with this thing. And when I came back 15 minutes later, the first thing I told this guy was like, I was gone for hundreds of years. All of a sudden, I had had an experience outside of what I thought was possible with space and time. And the way I'll describe that to you is you take you take a picture frame or anything. This is reality, it has these defined edges, and the moment that you have an experience that somehow puts a dot outside of the picture frame, it shouldn't exist. There should be nothing outside the frame, but yet there's this dot outside of it. And then I started doing uh, especially after my hospitalization and stuff, I started uh microdosing with mushrooms after I got out of the army. I started uh I did a couple goes with uh DMT. Each time it just brought me to this this geometric world outside of it. But here's where it gets interesting. When I went down to uh Ambio to do the Ibigain and 5MEO DMT, I'm thinking, all right, this is great. I love I seem to be really responsive to these types of medicines.

SPEAKER_01:

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SPEAKER_00:

Well, as soon as I did the the IBA game, I was there, I was kind of paralyzed for 11, 12 hours. I didn't go anywhere. Fuck. I didn't really see all that much. I had my intentions, I had my questions, and it was just this really intense feeling. Every nerve ending on my body was resetting. And the way the medicine came on to me, it was like you take it and you're doing the maracas, and then when they say when you kind of start to feel like it might be happening, lay back. You're on a heart rate monitor, there's medical staff, it's top notch. And I felt these little tingles. It was all these little neurons in the back stem of my brain, and then it came over my frontal lobe and I was off. And it was uncomfortable. It was not a psychedelic like anything I had tried before. But going back to what you were talking about, the medicine, right? The medicine was telling me what I needed. Not what I wanted, but what I needed. You're trying to control this. Don't control this. Yeah, this is uncomfortable. Let it be uncomfortable. I'm here to help you. The more you fight it, the worse it's gonna be. You have to accept this. And I did. And then towards the end, when I felt like I was coming more to my senses and stuff, I started going through my Rolodex of questions that I had for this altered state. One of them was uh I just thought it'd be funny. Like, uh, I'd like to see Jesus. And I saw Jesus pop out of a cloud real quick. Like, okay, I saw Jesus. And then I was I asked God, I was like, what is the funniest thing I've ever done to make you laugh? And the response I got back was, ask this question. And I started laughing and it hurt. I was like, oh God, don't make me laugh. And literally, God, don't make me laugh. And um, so I came out of that, I did the five MEO DMT the following day. And again, I was expecting to blast off this planet. Yeah. But I had done so much work, and what Carl Jung uh referred to as the dark night of the soul. It's it's shadow work, it's where you are turning inward, and it's going to challenge you're gonna challenge yourself to grow psychologically and spiritually by facing these things in your subconscious that you feel like you're you're unaware that they're there, but they are there, like the your mom cutting off the head, you know, of your dad, and just these little things that you don't think are really have a huge deal to be who you are as a grown-ass man, especially years and years, decades down the line. But when you start doing the work, you realize, oh shit, that has a lot. I'm holding on to a lot of stuff. So you just let it go. Once you acknowledge it, kind of going back, and I'll I'll uh end it on this, is that you know how I was saying, like you drink and this other side comes up? Well, it didn't matter how many times I drank it, how many times I bawled in front of other dudes, I I wasn't consciously there. I never got any of the healing from it. So when I started doing therapy and started working with these mess medicines that don't make me go away, yeah, I'm sitting alone with these these thoughts, these feelings, these these prior experiences consciously and I'm acknowledging them. I'm I see you, you're there, that did happen to us, it's okay, I got you. And basically, all you're really doing at the end of the day is giving your inner child, your your younger self, a hug saying, I know dad wasn't there first, but I got us now. And I'm sorry I turned my back on you, but I was a young kid and I didn't know what to do with these emotions. Now that I'm a grown man, I got you.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

And really that helps every relationship in your life because you've healed, you've done the inner work, and it's a long process. There is no quick fix to it, there is no there is a magic mushroom, but I mean there there's no like one experience that's gonna what it does is it starts it starts a a process, and that process once started, it can't be stopped. Like there's a journey too. Red pill, blue pill. There's no going back after this. Kind of thing. I don't know what your experience was, you know.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, my I will tell you this the um the person you are after the initial uh treatment with this medicine, you're gonna you're gonna see the best version of yourself, and you're gonna feel really fucking good. That's why I always tell guys, like you need a plan of action, a a a heading, a course, a map, things that are gonna keep you in check, a care plan. I'm gonna go to my therapy, my regular therapy, I'm gonna see my providers like normal, I'm gonna do all these things to stay on path because you're gonna feel like you're tapping into like everybody talks about flow state, and you, yes, you don't need to do plant medicine to tap into flow for your creative work, for your work, for your school, whatever you're using it, flow state is achievable. Like there's a there's actual methodology that you can use to enter flow state before you go and do a podcast, do artwork, whatever. But after your engagement with the medicine, flow state is easy, like that. You wake up with the intention to do it, to do the things you want to do, and you engage with it, and you the best part of you is for facing. It's right there. You're not being bogged down by the things that aren't suited for you, the things that you brought up that you don't want to do anymore, the ill like I saw the version of myself, the ugly version, and it was horrible, it was gross. I acknowledged it, but with compassion and with a face of like, oh, I you you're me. You're the version of me that I don't like, but you're a version of me too. Like you're you're part of who I am. I don't want to be you, I don't want to engage with you, but I see you. You're the ugly side. I don't want to do that. But if you don't have a plan of action, and if you fuck off and you don't stick to your plans, you don't stick to your your smart goals, your the things you need, it goes away like that. I felt it. I for three weeks I was fucking crushing life. Boom, boom, boom. This, this, this, this.

SPEAKER_00:

That pink cloud experience at the end, like, oh, but you can't stay there. That's not the human experience. Yeah, you can experience it, you can know that there's a better place all around you at any one time, but you have to consciously tap into it because life is setting you up to do the opposite. That's how you grow spiritually. It's gonna be willing to work choice.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah. Now, when you see yourself slip out of that, like, oh, what are you gonna do? Are you gonna fall back to drinking? Are you gonna go back to all those ill-fitting habits? No. The correct response is like, I saw the higher version of myself. I saw that version of me that can work, set the things in motion that need to be set in motion, walk away from things with you know, with with without anger, without malice, and just focus on the good. I could be pissy, I could be moaning, I can go and chase this high and chase it. Because I've seen that within our community too. Guys are like, fuck, I need to go down there, have another experience, have another, no, no, no, no, no. Lesson learned. You can still be that best and higher version of yourself.

SPEAKER_00:

So that was you hit on something right there, is that that's what the medicine was telling me.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

The other guys to my left and right, they were they were gone. They were having an amazing experience, some very intense. And I'm just sitting there listening to them, going, man, this is hurts. This just hurts. But the medicine, this quiet voice came up and goes, Why would I show you something I've already shown you? Yes. Yes, dude. It's like it's like you're it's like your guardian angel going, no, you can't stay here. No, you can't keep coming back, cutting the line, trying to stay here. No, you were shown what you needed to be shown, just like they're being shown, what they need to be seen. But the more you come back here and you start trying to abuse this gift, the less and less I'm going to show you.

SPEAKER_01:

Yes. Absolutely, absolutely, man. You can't it is a sacred thing to experience and take the lesson, take the journey with you. It's already a small community of individuals that are willing and brave enough to journey into it to experience it. Take that with you, be an advocate for others that are in pain that haven't experienced it. But to go back and seek the same answers and wisdom from the medicine, from that that the divine entity, don't. Do it the hard way. Be disciplined and understand that you you you went into something that few people get to do. Now challenge yourself to do it the hard way, the discipline, crafting the life where it's meditation, prayer, not being bogged down by the disgusting, you know, things that are getting constantly bombarding. One thing that I realized is what am I doing for others? Am I doing enough? What am I doing to help bring other people to whatever healing journey they need to be on? It's not for me to decide. I'm not gonna sit there and be like, you need to meditate, you need mindfulness. Maybe you do, maybe you don't. I can want it for you, but the best thing I can do is advocate to seek the path that's right for you. Get on your journey, find it for you. Absolutely. that's the truth. That's a from what from my journey, what I walk away from is it's not about sure, then the it was so profound that the next few days, the next few weeks, I was in love with the idea of what I saw. I was in love and trying to recall like those feelings. And that's why it felt so great. I felt I was like that next level. I'm at that higher level. But then when you come out of it and you get a little lazy, you watch a little bit too much Netflix, you see that ugly side of you come back and you're like, I lost it. Maybe you lost the rose colored lenses. You lost that ability to say, yes, I just did this. That powerful message that you receive is still there with you. Tap into the discipline of working hard, finding your faith, being of service to somebody else. Do all those things are right in line with that experience. That's what I realized like the strongest thing I can do is to pick up my phone, get on my Halo app and do my friggin' morning prayer. Because that's tapping into it. Like and I'm not trying to push Catholicism on anybody. I'm just saying whatever your version of being spiritual, whatever your version of tapping into the higher power is, that's how you can tap into it on a daily basis. Just being focused and present moment awareness for what brings goodness to you. This episode is brought to you by Pure Liberty Labs. Quality supplements designed to elevate your health and performance. Check out their full line of quality supplements whether you're looking for whey protein, pre-workout, creatine, or super greens drink, Pure Liberty Labs has you covered. Use my code securityHall10 at checkout today.

SPEAKER_00:

And I will say this is that it you know religion may be a hard a hard no for some people that need to have a spiritual experience. I was pulled into church you know as a I after my mom and dad broke up I I had nobody to raise me. I was drinking I was fighting all this in middle school. I was you know getting arrested graduated from the alternative center freaking and it had if it hadn't been for 9-11 happening a couple months after I graduated high school I probably would have been in prison. Like I was just on the wrong path and that gave me something to look at and say okay and that's another weird thing because I want to I want to really want to talk to vets is that if you if you look back on that, if you came from a a troubled childhood and you found yourself going to the military, ask yourself this question why was I such a good soldier or marine or airman or sailor when I was a shitty student but now I I can sit down I can study I can do whatever I need to do now that I have some discipline the the thing is is that when you're angry as a child, you have that hurt child inside of you growing into its body all that stuff and you that hurt child is it has two field sources it has rage and anger and and that's it. And so when you when you put me on a rugby field I was a great rugby player why because I this was a great positive outlet for me to let this rage out.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

Once I got into the army and there's war to be fought and battle my real problems didn't start to to peek their head out until I had a gap in my service three years. Those three years when I went out and I before I came back on active duty finish out and I loss of identity loss of purpose and a lot of bad habits of how I had to cope with just everyday life drinking not talking about it I mean you there's only so many hours you can spend in the gym and if that still doesn't get all the rage out well guess what you're going back home with a with a with a powder cake and all it takes is a spark and you blow up and you're like why does this keep happening? Well one of the things that doing these medicines shows you and that what the this has been the longest part of my journey it's been exactly probably two years at this point of losing my ego losing my drive losing losing myself and I I I say this if you wait long enough a new fuel source enters your soul in your enters your heart there's love there's compassion you realize okay there's no more me so it's not about me so let me go help other people and then you find that the moment that you're looking for other people to help God has been putting them in your path all the time you just have been so caught up in focusing on yourself which you have to do sometimes that eventually you come through and you're like I don't even have to go look for these people they're finding me and that is the miracle that's the that's what happens that's you change your fuel source from hate and anger to love and compassion do you still have that that other side of you that you know one of the things one of the one of the things I was scared of when I was becoming like kumbaya kind of you know I'm talking about stuff that we don't talk about man. I'm experiencing things like there's this this unconditional love out there and I know it's real. I've never felt more love in my life than when I was there in its presence but now I go out in traffic fuck you blah blah blah like I'm not really embodying this experience anymore.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah man we're human we're complex creatures and we have emotions like rage um I just got done uh with it with a great chat with uh Liz Hartman we were talking about something that I find completely repulsive and that's people that prey on children. Like that that dark side of me amplified by a million the moment I had that little girl come into my world like just talking to somebody that doesn't understand that there is a there is a definitive line and and you can't cross it and that just having to try to reason with somebody that wanted to advocate for like oh these people still deserve love and compassion just brought so much hate anger and violence into my mind and I was fortunate it happened on the way to it was right before we went to mass so I immediately I like I'm sitting there I'm driving I'm like just visualizing all this hate and anger and the things that I just want to do to you know shake somebody awake and the first thing I did was go to confession. Hey I need to you know Father I need to talk about this this is all the things I'm feeling that I need to let it go. It's not good for me and I'm not practicing and preaching what I I ultimately want. Is this good for me? Hell no let it go.

SPEAKER_00:

But I can recognize it I can recognize that like if there's a threat that f that that warrior within me still there felt that exactly and I think that's the that's the part that guys like us can can use your uh your platform to advocate for is that yeah I'm a very very very different person than I was when we last talked in fact that I believe that that person is no longer with us. Like whatever I was then I put into this book and even when I go back and read it I could never write from that again because I realized it's like a it's like a big tall tree in the forest it's strong it's rooted and one day boom it falls over and it starts to decay that long night that dark night of the soul but all these other it it feeds the soil and this new tree sprouts from its ashes that's what I'm kind of talking about here. But here's the thing if because we were talking about like oh I my friend died and it I went right back to drinking then I had these you know that was that was a a trained response. Yeah it's not part of my conscious I've integrated it into my body's circuitry so that's why it's taken so long and it's so hard and I have to I have to do it every day do the work to to build the repetitions to to make my new way of do dealing with things the way I am always dealing with things. But when it comes to violence yeah I still got it. Oh yeah it's still there I don't pray that I ever have to use it I pray that I can I can take the higher road but if I'm forced or if somebody is you know if if an evil man is preying on an innocent person well you're there you get to you get to meet this other side of me too. And I think we all have that and it's almost like if I let go of all this pain anger and violence who am I? I I ask that question to myself who am I without all these this it's all I've known but then if you go back kind of like we were talking about and you you meditate and you work with the medicine and the counselors I guarantee at some point you can be a child you can remember yourself as a child that didn't that that was just completely content sitting there playing in the dirt didn't need anybody to play with them just totally content. And it's funny that you see children I think they're very in tune with where they came from the spiritual realm. And that's the reason why they're they're just so alive. Yeah and then as you look into a person in their later years like in their 80s and 90s what do you see that inner child coming back up why because there's nobody to impress there's no there's no amount you can't take it with you. So what do you do you go to the park and you feed the pigeons and you're totally immersed or you go fishing or you that's it that's life.

SPEAKER_01:

All that other stuff in between that was that was just your experience but where you start and where you go that's yeah that's what it's about in my my my opinion my opinion I think so um I want to dive into something that I get to talk that I talk with guys a lot and that's divorce. Um it's easier when you're not healed in my opinion when you because it's certainly a young man hubris to say this doesn't matter marriage isn't important whatever so many of us have gone through divorces in our earlier years when we're still setting everything ablaze and we don't care and what was it like for you going through everything you were going through and what lessons did you learn now having g through this divorce man my marriage had become another identity that wasn't really me I just like I I remember like who was I before the army yeah there was a version of me that was without that wasn't a soldier but now I'm I'm a soldier not something I did that's something I picked up along my way.

SPEAKER_00:

And then as you start to get into these relationships and you do everything you you try everything and here's the problem and I I'll speak as a Christian on this one. When you're in a relationship and both parties have trauma and you begin your healing journey and you let God into your life and you start to see things more clearly and you don't begin to engage and react to the same triggers that once caused you to you know word vomit back and forth with the other person. I honestly feel that when my demons could no longer get to me my my ex's demons started to come after me through her because she started acting completely different at times. Here's the thing though is that I love her to this day I have not closed the door on reconciliation if you love somebody fight for them. In fact I'd like to read you one thing if I may absolutely man I read I I always read prisoner of war which is a good one for for people to identify with suicidal ideations but this is one to that goes hand in hand with the couples I think and this is probably the best thing I could say um because I I feel kind of wrong for talking about a divorce when the other party's not present yeah you're only getting one side of the story. It hurt both ways. But this is this is something I wrote and that you can find in the book. It's called something about your man Little lady let me tell you something about your man I met him way back in Afghanistan. On the outside he's a strong man but on the inside he's a hurt man. He's a lion when he holds you tight but he's also a creature of the night needing a pack to go run with and just have some good fun with But God knows we can never ever take your place yes hallelujah and amazing grace. You've got a love that's so true your man just wants to hold you long into every cruel dark night but when the moon is full and bright he hears his inner wolf how deep inside he doesn't want you to ever see that side so he runs with his pack long into the night but he's never ever far away with you is where he longs to stay. But you married a man and loved him all the way through Afghanistan. He's really trying to come home but he needs his space to still go wrong. God I know he loves you but he's trying to find a love for himself too he knows it's somewhere deep down inside of him but his demons still fight him as he dreams into the night. Trust me when I say you two are stronger together, your man's gonna love you now and forever but everything he's currently going through is in some strange way his attempt to find a way back to you. But he still howls at the full moon but he prefers roaring by the fire in your living room. He just needs to find peace between the tempers of both his beasts just give him this needed time little lady he's gonna be just fine I also had to face demons of my own and I didn't get through any of it on my own. All I can say little lady about your man who I met way back in Afghanistan is that he's a good man who adores you and your love is worth fighting for powerful man somebody out there needed to hear that at this time fight for it fight for it and know that you can only fight your fight they have to fight their fight too and if the if if if you need to live apart live apart if you need a divorce and to start fresh someday that may be what's best too and if you both just need to go your separate ways it is all it it's benefiting both parties even though it hurts. Yeah and it's it's gonna be okay regardless because you're on your path your journey and there's some things that got you know no one can ever take away from you. That's why my next book I'm thinking about calling it the the long road home the home is that part inside of you that when you realize that the the thing that you're always searching for outside here in the world isn't out there to be found. It's actually in here and you're like as long as you can as long as you own that have you ever met a person that is just so zen so grounded so like nothing can have the the building behind them can be burning and they're just like wow it's really pretty you know like it just nothing affects them. And it's because they are deeply rooted in that inner space where the outside world can do little or nothing to influence their inner peace. The long road home is what I've been going through for these last two years. And I if it hadn't been for my faith in God, it hadn't been for my friends checking in on me, if it hadn't been for uh this gift that I received just out of nowhere, maybe one too many TBIs and all of a sudden I could write like it just I never wrote prior to all those headbangs you know those and then all of a sudden I come through it and I met Marcus Latrell down there. I didn't know who really who he was at the time but he looked at me and he goes you look like you look the part and I go I feel the part and so we started he's like I heard you wrote a book I was like yeah I got one in my bag somewhere and he read it he's like where the hell have you been and I was like I've been around I'm I'm just just the guy just the guy man and so I he he introduced me to his publicist and they're the ones that published the book. So it's like yeah it's three years old but it's just now getting its it's its day uh day in court so to say yeah and I did a podcast with them um on the Team Never Quit episode 418 and his wife Melanie all of them they're that they are amazing but that's it I asked God I need help and I need you to put the right people in my path a week later a friend of mine passed on an opportunity but instantly thought of me no one else called me a month later I'm in Tijuana meeting the former governor of Texas Marcus these great dudes that are on the same path but here's the difference is I saw these other three guys they were Green Berets and Ranger and one Ranger and they they were just now beginning their path that I had started during this yeah and when I did that five meo DMT I went to the cosmos but I didn't leave my body yeah I didn't lose consciousness I could still hear the dog barking outside I was in the room I was describing it and when I when I kind of came up both the people that were sitting there helping me they were crying they were like that was beautiful man and one of the guys he's like I watch people do this stuff all the time he goes he goes oh you're really close to becoming enlightened and I thought oh great I check that off the fucking thing but you know what enlightened is where we're at today helping other people that's it and the moment that I say okay talk to you later thanks for having me on I'm gonna go outside and I'm gonna be challenged to show put my faith first yeah just to see the good in the world absolutely it's easy to see the bad it's easy to see the bad it's easy to get into the partisan politics and all that other stuff it's easy to lose hope but we serve a God that it's all been foretold it's all been written you have your part to play play your part it's infinitely harder but better to seek out the good and then be of service to other people around you.

SPEAKER_01:

Be a guiding light man like that's you don't have to be a hundred percent and you never really will be a hundred percent um you just have to get past that 70. I think when you're at 75 80% you got enough weapon systems in the fight you've got enough fuel in the tank to be on your your journey to know what right is to choose the right over the wrong and you can start helping a lot of people a lot of people all it takes is a text message a phone call the trick is to stay present stay grounded the moment you get too wrapped up around friggin' like for me homework and podcasting and editing and producing the moment I like tell myself like this is the most important fucking thing lose sight of that text message of a friend trying to reach out I lose sight of that phone call where somebody really needs that that hype man that person that will just like be there for them uncom like just 100% just be willing to just sit there and revel in their success. Man people are wanting to connect with you don't get so sucked up in your own journey you miss out on that. You be there for others.

SPEAKER_00:

That's the greatest thing you can do I 100% agree um but there's a time and a place for so here here's one thing I will I will caveat over the probably the last since January since my I began and all that treatment I have been a bit of a hermit. I walk every day I I'm out there engaging I I I tend to spend more time around people that don't know me just passer bys than people who do know me and there's a reason for that it's that I am rebooting. Yeah and when I'm around people from the motorcycle club when I see guys that I used to be in group with when people who know me from you know my marriage it's super hard for me because I feel this I feel this I need to put on this old identity so we can engage and I'm choosing don't do that I'm not I'm not ice here's the thing I'm not isolating myself to sit here and drink myself stupid I'm not I I I I see the pros and cons and the and there is a time where you need to have a healthy isolation with it's just you and your creator. You and your creator and once you that relationship is your foundation all other relationships can be supported from that relationship.

SPEAKER_01:

And that's hard for guys to hear that's hard because when guys get faced or they start facing a challenge they're going through a divorce or going through a a midlife crisis everybody wants them to go out and and be around other people go to the nightclubs go to the red door have a drink let people be let people find the way be there for them cook them a meal find a different way to be supportive instead of just constantly bombarding them with invites to go to places where they might not be ready to go to you're yeah I had to tell someone I had to tell someone the other day I was like hey listen I am not trying to be rude I just I I'm I I don't want to be around a lot of people and it's not because I'm depressed it's because I'm just that's what stage I'm in right now.

SPEAKER_00:

I'm I'm allowing my roots to grow so I but here's the thing I told um I told a a counselor after the divorce uh she goes what what went wrong and I was like honestly um I think my biggest sin was I gave my ex-wife a love and trust that you should only give to your creator God when I loved I loved her and I still love her and I it was such an intense love and it was I would give anything I would drop anything I would I would do anything for you but what happens when you put that kind of faith and trust in another flesh and blood flawed human being like yourself you're always going to be disappointing each other. Some of the best relationships I find are people that had a strong foundation in their faith then they met and that's the thing is that when the guy is you know not doing so well she still has her number one support system which is her faith in God and vice versa. But when your faith is in two mortal people get ready for heartbreak because once that relationship falls apart or it's no longer as secure as it once was you're going to be grabbing at straws trying to go out to bars and just make yourself forget how chaotic your life is and none of it ever helps. Yeah. The real problem.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah man that's that's the only you can only you can prevent forest fires I feel like that should come in I do want to say I do want to throw in this plug out there fight for your marriage fight for each other if you're if you're a soft guy and and finding resources for everybody just let me plug this one as it's Green Beret specific uh special forces foundation reach out today. The information will be in the episode description um they can get you and your spouse to do a stelic ganglion block you won't have to cover any of the fees you won't have to cover for travel it will take care of you and oftentimes what people don't understand is all the stress the PTSD the stuff that you're you're dealing with you're coming home dropping it off on your wife so two of you need help. Two of you need a resource and the special forces foundation can help you.

SPEAKER_00:

If you identify that your wife is saying things like I feel like I'm walking on eggshells I feel like you're a tyrant don't get angry give her some grace and allow her to vent understand that we're not always as uh as understanding and kind as we think we are when we're in our in our job um you deserve the heal you deserve recovery and the Special Forces Foundation can help you today reach out to them ask them about cell ganglion block treatment and uh let them know that you and your wife need it and it has saved countless marriages uh has saved countless lives I'm a big believer in it so please guys if you're soft if you're Green Beret get help today don't struggle anymore there's uh reach out to SOCOM they have yeah they have reps that will everybody who's tied into this the special operations community like that trifecta study that was uh coordinated through SOCOM and if you want to go to another uh nonprofit it's vet solutions.org yeah those are the guys those are the guys after I did my treatment we meet every Monday and it's nothing but a bunch of guys that have been through treatment and you see it man you see the guys coming out on the pink cloud like oh my God and then some guys like I've been I'm out of treatment for over a year or two now and life keeps hitting but I'm so much better than I was especially since I have a community that I can share these things with that understand what I've been through and how hard it is to stay in this this sweet spot.

SPEAKER_01:

Exactly and fun fact uh they're a partner organization with uh Special Force Foundation so you can reach out to uh special force foundation and get plugged in with them um which is fucking awesome uh there's so many moose runs it he's awesome yeah any guy named Moose is gonna be any guy named Moose is gonna be a cool dude I don't care what his backdrop story is so dude what are you doing now um are you still in Northwest Florida yeah man I'm still right here in Niceville Florida uh nice I didn't see any reason to move away or any of that I just kind of said no I I want to be close just in case um but I also this is a perfect spot for me because there's enough people around here that I that I know that if I need somebody they can be there for me and vice versa.

SPEAKER_00:

And you know my doctors are here my you know here's an interesting thing about the Ivogain experience was three weeks after my Ibogaine experience I was in California the next thing they send you to is magnetic renaissance therapy basically what that is they they map your brain the way it's it's firing they show you on this little chart what it should look like which is this boop and mine was like pretty and then over the next seven weeks after Ibogaine because what Ibogaine's doing is resetting your nerve endings your your nervous system and then they use these magnetic pulses you basically put a thing over your head you sit in a chair and for about like 15 minutes a day you're getting zapped five days a week but what they're showing you they're doing these these uh these imaging things and over the seven weeks you'll see like your alpha and delta waves are becoming optimal yeah and then after that uh during that they also allow you to go on uh hormone replacement therapy nice so I didn't I didn't get a chance to do that I actually called them up a couple weeks ago because I was like hey everybody else got to go on this hormone replacement thing I just thought that my levels were good and I didn't need it that's why they're like no we we dropped the ball sorry you should be on it and so I'm about three weeks into that right now and my mood my recovery my focus my and my need for caffeine or anything like that anyway the the point I was going to try to make with the Iba game real quick was three weeks after I had this experience I woke up in the middle of the night thought I needed something to eat so I went downstairs at the house there in San Diego and opened the fridge I'm not fucking hungry. I went back upstairs and I was like you know I hadn't touched any of my meds since this but I had them in the drawer and I opened it up like maybe I'll just take a Lunesta so I can sleep and as soon as I opened that drawer and I saw like 12 bottles of pills I got sick to my stomach I walked right into the bathroom and I dumped all 12 bottles of pills into the toilet and flushed it.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

That I I mean and I didn't need to get back on pills.

SPEAKER_01:

Like it's one of the worst things that we've done to our veteran community is forced in an artificial heavy reliance on pharmaceuticals. By and large I understand there's a place for them in extremists in a crisis moment when you need to bring somebody down but to tell an entire generation of veterans that they need to live with a giant brown paper bag of medications is fucking criminal man. It's absolutely fucking criminal I wish more people would look at the importance and the power of discipline the importance of advocating for yourself asking to downgrade to maybe shift medication to lower the dosage one of the biggest things out there is people complaining of pain and I understand it I deal with chronic pain too understand pain dissipates.

SPEAKER_00:

It dissipates I got two artificial discs in my back I mean the so here's the thing and I and I and I mentioned it in one of the the later parts of the actually did I take that part out either way One of the things that we've got to do. You got the original in there. So the the the point is that I ask people like, just imagine. I want you to consider this. Just consider that you're not the rank you picked up in the military. You're not the size of your bank account. You're not your trophies. You're not your rings. You're not your awards. You're not these things that you pick. These are all things that you pick up in life, but they're not you. And I ask them, consider your getting some help. Consider, and this is the big one, that your physical pain is somehow possibly tied to your emotional pain. And when emotionally you're you don't you don't get the I the the hint that you need to heal yourself emotionally, the body can say, Well, I'm gonna manifest pain in other areas. Like I still have arthritis in almost every joint. I still pop and squeak as I walk. But I am not in constant pain anymore. And the real pain, the reason why I got addicted to opioids and the reason why I was all this other was because I was trying to numb an emotional pain. Yeah, I had spasms in my back and nerves being pinched. Yeah, I got it. That hurts. And when that happens, yeah, it helps to happen. But the fact that I was taking these pills every day, even though my back wasn't always hurting every day.

SPEAKER_01:

Exactly.

SPEAKER_00:

It was the emotional pain I was trying to numb. So just food for thought there.

SPEAKER_01:

Absolutely, man. Um, dude, spot on. I couldn't have said it better myself. But to everybody listening, challenge yourself. Um so many lessons from this podcast right now. Um, but the one thing I want to leave you all with is listen to the narrative you're telling yourself. Listen to the narrative that you're telling yourself every day. I'm always in pain. I'm always miserable. This this life that I'm living in is so horrible. You can tell yourself in your reality. Well, you'll create that reality. So listen. Be aware. For one day, be really present and listen to how you describe your day. It's fucking horrible. Don't be the guy that's constantly saying stuff like that. Look for the good. Fun fact. This is study. This is a fun fact. This this is this is a known thing, man. Gratitude in the morning and at night. Talk about perspective changing. Force yourself this week. This week when I drop this on the I want to challenge you as you're listening to this, start recording the things you're grateful for and your wins for the day. Just do it. Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday. Let me know how good you feel at the end of the week. Let me know how good you start feeling when you keep doing that. Hit me up, setcallpodcast gmail.com. Tell me I'm a piece of shit for telling you to do it, or hit me up and say, Denny, Clint, you guys are right. Life's a little bit better when you focus on the good. Trust me, brothers and sisters, it is. Focus on the good. No matter how hard you're gonna dig through all that shit you're going through, focus on one good thing, focus on one amazing thing in your life you can be grateful for, and it'll multiply. Because, as the great John Caputzin says, if you are still breathing, there's more going right in your life than there is wrong. Brother, I can't thank you enough for being here today. One more time, where can people connect with you? And more importantly, where can we go to get this book?

SPEAKER_00:

I don't know. I'm not a big social media guy. So maybe I'll do a podcast one day. I thought about it though. As I was sitting down here, I thought about like maybe I should do a podcast. We'll call it duly noted. I don't like duly noted. The name's already there. No, but uh, you can go. This isn't the actual book. I don't even have a copy of the most version. Oh, you don't? This is me over. No, I gave them all away. I got a box of them, and next thing you know, I'm like, here you go, here you go, here you go. And then I'm sitting down to do this, and I'm like, I don't even have my most someone buy me a copy of my book, please. Is it on Amazon? If so, yeah, it's on Amazon, Barnes and Noble Books a Million. Uh, you can go right to the ballastbooks.com.

SPEAKER_01:

Oh, hell yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

And uh, but anyway, I even did an audio book. I read it to you guys because there's so many guys out there like myself, like I'm a writer, but I don't like to read. And a lot of guys are like, that's weird, right?

SPEAKER_01:

I love to read now. Ever since I finally got help, and I I got you know, shout out again to freaking, you know, all the great doctors have helped me. The the greatest thing is when you get that gift to be able to read again and focus. Like, man, like I hate being temporarily removed from Florida in our own big house. Uh, I don't have a nearly as much space, and my book collection has grown infinitely since we last saw each other. But man, love to read, love to read. So I'll be I'll I'll go and get the new version and compare it to the old version and give you my new. You'll see all the stuff I took out of it.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. The um the last thing I'll I'll I'll say is this is that this is this is a I I know it's reverse right now, but it basically says be the best version of you.

SPEAKER_01:

Nice.

SPEAKER_00:

That's it. That's the simplest thing I can say is like everything that you're doing should be in line with trying to become the best version of you. You're not gonna ever be perfect, you're not going to be the next messiah. You're not you but you have it within you to be the best version of you.

SPEAKER_01:

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_00:

And just there's two things. It doesn't have to be better, and people will want it just because it's different. So always be asking yourself, is this better or is this just different? Everybody seems to be okay with it being different, but not any better. And the next one is that when you when everybody's sucked into the problem. It happened at Team Week, you know? Like fuck, we forgot to get the polls and now we're we're running behind time, this, that, and the other. Well, everybody's constantly going to be saying, I wish we just had this one thing. I wish we just had this one thing. This one thing, one thing, one thing. Be the person that always looks around and says, What do we have and how can I use it to achieve a similar result? And you'll always be the one in the room or in the problem set that finds a solution based off what you have, not what you wish you had.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

Absolutely. Absolutely. That's important when you're looking at all these different programs that you can throw yourself into, uh, all these different what is best for you.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

Maybe, maybe you have a strong religious belief that you're like, I don't want to do anything like mind altering or anything like that. That's fine. There's other programs. There's other programs. There's many ways to find a solution. Just get plugged in with the people that ha ha that know a lot of these people, and all they're trying to do is help.

SPEAKER_01:

Hell yeah, brother. Dude, again, thank you so much for being here, brother, and for staying on your journey. That's the best thing we can do to help other people find theirs and stay on track. Um, to everybody listening, please do me a favor, take care of yourself, take care of each other, and we'll see you all next time. Well then, take care.

SPEAKER_00:

Love you, Danny. Be good, guys. Cheers.

SPEAKER_01:

Take care. SecureDob Podcast is proudly sponsored by Titan's Arm. Head up to the episode description and check out Titan's Arms today.

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Deny Caballero

Host