Security Halt!
Welcome to Security Halt! Podcast, the show dedicated to Veterans, Active Duty Service Members, and First Responders. Hosted by retired Green Beret Deny Caballero, this podcast dives deep into the stories of resilience, triumph, and the unique challenges faced by those who serve.
Through powerful interviews and candid discussions, Security Halt! Podcast highlights vital resources, celebrates success stories, and offers actionable tools to navigate mental health, career transitions, and personal growth.
Join us as we stand shoulder-to-shoulder, proving that even after the mission changes, the call to serve and thrive never ends.
Security Halt!
Into the Darkness: A Raw Look at Mental Health, Resilience & Life After Service
How do you balance personal struggles, military service, and entrepreneurship while staying true to yourself? In this deep and unfiltered conversation, Deny Caballero and Dave Fielding dive into the raw realities of mental health, divorce, and resilience—and how storytelling can be a powerful tool for healing.
🔥 Inside This Episode:
✅ Mental health in the military—the silent battles no one talks about
✅ The emotional toll of deployment, divorce, and transition
✅ How vulnerability and authenticity can help veterans heal
✅ Suicide awareness & the importance of support systems
✅ The power of podcasting & storytelling in overcoming struggles
💥 If you’re a veteran, first responder, entrepreneur, or someone seeking real talk on resilience, this episode is for you!
🎯 Listen now on Spotify, Apple Podcasts & YouTube!
🔔 Like, Subscribe & Share to help spread awareness!
🔗 Join the conversation—your story matters. #MentalHealth #VeteranStories #Podcasting #Resilience
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Chapters
00:00 The Arrival of New Beginnings
03:02 Navigating the Podcasting Landscape
05:57 The Journey of a Green Beret
08:52 Struggles with Mental Health and Suicide
11:51 The Impact of Divorce on Mental Health
14:56 Finding Stability Amidst Chaos
17:55 The Importance of Authenticity in Storytelling
21:52 Deployment Decisions and Personal Struggles
25:09 The Weight of the Mission
30:41 The Highs and Lows of Deployment
35:44 Coping with Return and COVID
42:41 Finding Strength in Vulnerability
48:50 Life Lessons and Moving Forward
Instagram: @securityhalt
Tik Tok: @security.halt.pod
LinkedIn: Deny Caballero
Follow Dave on LinkedIn and on social media today!
LinkedIn: Dave Fielding
https://www.linkedin.com/in/dave-m-fielding/
Instagram: davefielding.dol
https://www.instagram.com/davefielding.dol/
Website: davefielding.com
Produced by Security Halt Media
Security Odd Podcast. Let's go the only podcast that's purpose-built from the ground up to support you Not just you, but the wider audience, everybody. Authentic, impactful and insightful conversations that serve a purpose to help you. And the quality has gone up. It's decent. It's hosted by me, danny Caballero. It's decent, it's hosted by me, denny Caballero. Your book got here shortly after, I think the next day my daughter came into the world. Oh wow.
Speaker 2:Congratulations.
Speaker 1:Thanks, man yeah.
Speaker 2:Congratulations. It's a wild ride dude. I can't imagine, man, I can't imagine. That's just so much to keep up with with everything. I mean you're always posting too, you're always posting. I'm like man, I can't keep up with that game, let alone everything that's insane.
Speaker 1:The secret is to continue the same op tempo and the same analysis mindset of a worn officer on a detachment in everything you do. Analysis mindset of a worn officer on a detachment in everything you do. Yeah and uh, I've. It's like I was just changing a diaper before we we jumped on and, dude, it's it's battle rhythm, find a battle room still trying to find it with her um, but she's fucking perfect, dude, she eats well, she sleeps well, uh, everything's on schedule now. But you know, it's it's exactly the same things that we learn on the detachment.
Speaker 1:It's like, and it's like when you have a team, when you have a team to curate and to do the studio setup and to do the guest outreach, it's super easy. I know because I do it for another, for another show that I run. So it's like all the back, all the backside support that I do for for the shows I get paid to produce, I got to do on my end for my show, wow, and a lot of people reach out and they're like I want to jump into podcasting, I want to do this. I'm like, okay, are you passionate for what I'm going to be talking about? Like yeah, yeah, I want to do this. I want to do that'm like you're describing. Like 75 other shows are out there, but yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:But mine's going to be super unique. It's like, okay, well, how many days are you willing to record? I get Saturdays and Sundays off. I'm like, okay, listen to me. Yeah, if you really want to do this, you got to go balls to the wall and you're going to make and create content and get people. It a gap but I only want to talk to my friends is like the reality is yeah it's gonna go to like four people.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you know, and that's dude, and that that's exactly it. I I've had people like, oh well, you did a book, you're gonna do a podcast. Now I'm like, no, I'm totally fine, just happy being a guest. There's like everybody's out there doing it and it's way more interesting, you know, and because, like, if you think, especially if you're like you're working a full-time, five-day-a-week job, like you're doing on top of it, like you get you just had a baby, like you remember, like we always talk about allostatic load, allostatic load, man, right, and it's just, how do you manage your allostatic load? Yeah, and it keep keep on keeping on, you know, with what you're doing. And and sometimes, as in my experience, it's like the 80% man, 80% is good enough 100% dude 100%.
Speaker 1:The reality is I had a great, great guest a while back, justin Seminer I can't wait to have him back on and we talked about the tenacity of spirit and how you, as a veteran, going out into, like the entrepreneurial world, like what do you have if you don't have capital, if you don't have, like I said, a studio backing and you don't have the, you know the, the repertoire and connections to bring in frigging? I'm looking at my bookshelf. Like Peter Atia, you don't have the ability to reach out for these big names. Like how are you going to, how are you going to capitalize? Is you have to bring something unique, something that people will enjoy, and you've got to figure out a way to bring them to you.
Speaker 1:And then the other thing is like work ethic. You killed it in the military, working till 5am, working till 4am and then doing it all over again. So, like, the other guy is gonna get comfortable doing one episode a week. You gotta find ways to do three or four. You gotta. And they gotta be good. They gotta be good fucking people. And that's why, like, there's a lot of grifters out there in the veteran space and I'm like, dude, I don't want a grifter, I just want a unique, authentic story. I don't care if you're an 88 Mike doing fucking fuel runs through Iraq. That's important to talk about.
Speaker 2:Absolutely. Those guys got blown up more than anybody else.
Speaker 1:Exactly, dude, exactly and like. And when it comes to like, what I want to talk about is like shit, like this. Your book reads like a chapter in probably every Green Beret, every veteran, every combat dude's life dude. Fun fact I just reconnected one of my great friends from the 82nd and there's so many touch points in your own book, in your own live story, that I'm just like dude, we're all. We're all part of the same story and we can help so many people come back from the void, get out of that pit of despair if we're willing to be vulnerable and write a book.
Speaker 1:And here's the challenge I put out to our people. People hear certain stories from very notable veterans and those stories get blown up or they get brought out into the light Like, oh, that's not reality, it's not and it's like dude, nobody wants the Hollywood shit anymore. Nobody wants it. It's too crazy. I just want the real, authentic story, because within those stories there's some crazy good shit. Oh yeah, so today, man, like this is your episode. Welcome Security Hall, dave. Tell us about your journey, thank you.
Speaker 2:Thank you very much. I really appreciate being on. I really love your podcast.
Speaker 1:Thank you, brother.
Speaker 2:Definitely the spicy memes too. Always making me laugh, but that's exactly it. I sat down so, for your audience, I was a 1-1 Green Beret, I was 1st Battalion, 1st Special Forces Group, I was 18 X-Ray and then I got picked up by a special program and I became a spy and I was a human intelligence officer, operator, whatever there's like a case officer. There's a million different fucking variations of doing the same thing. Cool dude, I go do surveillance detection routes and I bump people and steal information.
Speaker 1:All right, cool which, which honestly dude like seeing, like being able to like see what, like seeing it from the outside perspective of the guys get selected to do that. That is such a hard fucking job and it's such a cool fucking thing. When you brush against like you're already a green beret, you're already like hey, you're pretty like comfortable, like I'm a cool fucking dude doing cool guy shit. And then you meet one of yous just in a shitty vehicle when maybe like his own area and a compound, it's like, oh, what's that? That's dave. Um, he brings us this. I was like that's a lot of info. Yeah, he just goes out there for weeks at a time by himself and he's got all that compound by himself and he's like, hey guys, how's?
Speaker 2:it going, yeah, barbecue there's a case of beer in there, but don't tell anyone about it, you know whole liquor cabinet, you know maybe there's source meetings there, you don don't know.
Speaker 2:But yeah, it is a cool job, but it is a full-time job For me. I got attracted to. It was something I always wanted to do. In Special Forces you get exposed to all these different things. I kind of was like, as we were pivoting away more from GWAT even though that my book is still heavy GWAT, oir phase but it was like how do I set myself up to be in the center of this Cold War fight, right, this new age Cold War that we're doing? So I grew up reading those spy novels and stuff like that and I'm like, wow, this is really cool. So I dabbled, I obviously went out there and did it. I did a deployment with it and then I had a fall-on operational assignment after that, which was really cool. But the thing is that this is what we're really talking about is, yes, I have a very cool cover. I wouldn't be very good at my job if I had too many cool guy photos, right? I mean, you can't really have too many cool guy photos as a clandestine dude, right.
Speaker 2:But the story is about my struggle with suicide and I think that when we talk about suicide we kind of engage with it. It has this icky taste in our mouth and really nobody wants to sit around and ask why, right, everybody kind of like. And so in the book there was a couple of suicides that I was exposed to you know, one good friend and one one, and I remember I was in like, when I found out about it, I was in the depths of my own struggle and I said, all right, I need to write a book about. I didn't say I needed to write a book right then, but I was like I need to do something about it, right, I didn't know what it was then and it wasn't until I was around 21, 21,. I was like that's it. You know, this is. This seems like the way, and I didn't want to write a because at the you know, you know this, a lot of people that follow you probably agree with this is that, for years, the GWAT generation, you know it was like go out, kick in doors, shoot motherfuckers in the face. You know what I mean. And, granted, hell, yeah, that shit's awesome, but we, you know, no one's really telling about all the stuff that goes on in the background, right, and that's the thing goes on in the background, and that's the thing when I wrote this. Yeah, it's wrapped up in some clandestine mayhem, as I like to say, with some of the ops that go on, but it's really.
Speaker 2:I breadcrumb everyone with my internal dialogue and struggle, because that's where it starts For me. That's where it started and it's a tale, and you know this. It's a tale as old as time You're reading. As you said, every green beret, every combat veteran, it doesn't matter who you are, what walk of life it is is, we all go through shit, uh, one way or the other. And you know, for me it was, um, you know, I was making a lot of sacrifices for my my then, my my then, or my ex-wife, but my then wife, and you know this is, I'm like, oh yeah, being a spy is uh way better a stable operations tempo than fucking being a green beret I was reading that I'm like man I already know where this is going they lie to me.
Speaker 2:They lie to me tons of time, tons of stability yeah, they're like oh yeah, you'll be working some embassy somewhere, fucking, you have a day job and a night. No, it's not like that. And and when you have, you know, the certification, you have the authorities to do what you're doing, um, you're in demand, you're an in-demand being right, and and so there's no shortage of work. I'll say that, especially if you're a green beret soft guy just wanting to get after it, like bringing that mentality. It's a very entrepreneurial job too, and so it requires just.
Speaker 2:You know, you could have a million sticks in the fire or, excuse me, you're looking for that. That's a bad analogy. You're looking for a needle in a haystack. So you got to really put yourself out there and take a lot of chances, and because not everything is going to pan out, you could be talking to this person that can seem interesting. And then you get to the third date, as we like to say, and they're like oh, I'm going to. You know, it's not the intel I wanted, not the intel we needed, right, so, um, but I got, I got lost in my own train of thought, um don't worry, that's a that's part of security.
Speaker 2:All TBI is a real thing. Tbi is a real thing, yeah.
Speaker 1:TBI is a real thing. This momentary pause is brought to you by TBI. You're all dealing with it. Just come to terms with it.
Speaker 2:Just deal, just deal, yeah, live with it, go with the flow. And so I get into this job, thinking stability, to start a family and everything else, and then it just all starts falling apart. All starts falling apart. And then on top of that, I'm dealing with a divorce. I'm doing all this high stress training that's consistent. I mean, that's also part of me just being like, hey, I need to stay busy. I don't really. That is like the quintessential. Let's flip a switch, not really deal with it and just stay busy, as opposed to being back in my empty apartment stewing over this dealing with the lawyers. So it was like I'm going out, I'm Jackie Rae Biggs that was my phony name and I'm running around the United States and doing surveillance, detection routes and all sorts of shit and finding operational sites, yada, yada, yada. And I come back and I have day fielding problems, real day fielding problems.
Speaker 2:The real deep feeling probably is like she's taking everything, like you know, the lawyer might as well just been like you're fucked, just give up, dude, right, and this is the. This is the fighter in me was like, no, I have to win, and that's like mistake number one I made. And and mistake number one was that no one wins in these things, you know, no one wins. And so I started emotionally tying myself to some sort of end state, right, and I was like, yeah, you know, when this is over, it's going to be, you know, breath of fresh air, this, that and the other thing. No, that's not exactly how it goes, cause then you still also have to deal with the wounds from that. There's a grieving process and everything else. So, you know, when we talk about emotional states, especially with someone that is flirting with suicide ideation, like I was later on in the book, you start at these lower level emotions like your apathy, your shame, your guilt, your fear.
Speaker 2:As I say in the book, all my war money, all these years I was going to get a house and a bed just packing, packing away 85 per diem in the philippines for six months, you know so yeah I don't know if those are still the days, but those were the days, man and uh, you know going to 7-eleven. You know slamming down some balut. You know, save a couple bucks.
Speaker 1:Uh, for those that know for those that know that it's gonna pitch every penny and I'm gonna save all this money. But you're right, dude, that's like divorce is something that it's. It's a constant thread in the in the dms of resources and advice for how to deal with with divorce. And the number one thing that I try to tell people is like that despair, that pit you feel in your stomach, that's the anxiety that's you wanting to control everything. And you have to realize that in this process you cannot control another individual's decision, their choices. And I'm an advocate for family. Fight for your marriage if it's salvageable, if you can come to terms and walk it back. Marriage, kids, those are important things.
Speaker 1:But when it's broken, when it's attacks and daggers and just nothing but hurt and pain, you got to let go of the anxiety of trying to control it. Take care of yourself, find a lawyer. You got to let go of the anxiety of trying to control it Like, yes, take care of yourself, find a lawyer, be smart, but breathe. Take a knee, just like you're walking into that new environment. You got dropped off, you walk into the wood lines, you're facing a new enemy and that's divorce. Take a knee, there's no other way out. Take a knee, get your bearing, take a breath and understand that, okay, this will pass. Right now, this sucks. I'm not going to be in control of everything. I can only control my actions and let me tell you, you'll feel a lot better years down the road when you don't attack, when you don't yell, when you're not spiteful.
Speaker 1:Take care of yourself, be, be smart. Get a lawyer, but understand that, like, if there's kids involved if there's, you know, little ones that you're going to have to help co-parent. Please be smart, don't let anger win. Don't let anger win and have faith. Get a lawyer. Have faith, and that's the most painful thing to go through. I know, I went through one. It fucking sucks and I didn't have the tools, I didn't have the resources. No, I was lucky enough. I had a truck that I slept in for a couple of weeks and I kept an iPad, so I had Netflix. Those were fun times, let me tell you.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and you got your whoopee. I got my whoopee iPad. I'm in the back of this truck. I can do a couple of MREs, and that's one of the things I say in the book. I was like man, if I was in Okie and I was still in my ODA, they would have just made me sleep in the basement. Yeah, yeah, team room, yeah, or the team room, because that's how my teammates were and that's one of the beautiful things in SF.
Speaker 2:But once you go over to the IC, you got to handle it. They don't care, you handle your own shit, man. And so losing that kind of support network was hard. But I had people helping me out. I had people that were like, hey, I know you need to save money, why don't you come live with me? Did I realize? That was a fucking trap? I don't want to spoil the details in the book, but my clandestine mayhem. I get a lot of practice even before I deploy. So yeah, but don't, don't do the don't.
Speaker 2:You know, and that's kind of why I, you know, wrote the book for exactly what it is is that don't make my mistakes either. You know, these are the mistakes I made. So it was like emotionally tying myself to an end state, you know, and um and the. The internal dialogue, you know, at the time was oh, I can't win. At the time was, oh, I can't win, I can't win, and that's apathetic, that's hopeless, not a great place to be. I'm doing cool things, I'm moving on with my life despite this stuff, but I know that was where it all started and so I was so emotionally invested into feeling like I win with something right, or feel like I'm not getting bent over the barrel, as a lot of people say right. But it's like you said.
Speaker 2:It's like you know, don't do what I and I have case officer friends, and this is get a lawyer first't do what I and I have case officer friends, and this is get a lawyer first, before you even have the conversation. Don't think, try, try to be suave, you know, cause you've done a couple of courses, like I did. And uh, you know, I had a case officer friend and he he's like, did you run your ex wife through a termination meeting? I was like, yeah, he's like holy shit, dude. And uh, you, uh, you know I joke, I was friendly, firm bear and final man, like you know, and uh, but I didn't have any, any, any piece of paper. I laugh about it now, but you know it's easy to laugh about now, but going through it it's a totally different story. So it's like you know, and then till his oldest time. You know, know, I meet this. You know, beautiful captain, you know and she's the one man.
Speaker 2:You know she's the one, definitely wasn't the one, but like, and it's just making, I want to say just classic mistakes. Classic mistakes, a dude thinking with his dick, that's it Right. And uh, I mean, my intentions were good, you know, my intentions are good, but I was in a rush. I was in a rush because there was always also so, so much fear was inside me, Right, we, all these conversations, all these lies we tell ourselves, we think, right, we're like I'm in my mid-30s, no way I'm going to get married again, or no one's going to want to be with a divorced dude, Like you know this, that and the other.
Speaker 2:And then, after I finished like a portion of my training, started putting myself out there, I'm like, oh, this isn't bad, this is not bad at all, Like, but you know it, but I wasn't. I wasn't, you know, for me, everything, I was masking the pain. I was masking the pain, right, Like you know, not dealing with the root cause of of everything. And and so I keep on taking more on my plate and eventually I don't want to spoil too much of the book because I want you all to buy it. Uh, into the darkness by dave fielding go to amazon right now.
Speaker 2:Audio book is in my voice, just oh nice, you read your own book, hell yeah and it's hell yeah, you get more of my personality than just reading it, you know yeah but uh so, and the link to the book will be in the episode description.
Speaker 1:So, uh, if you can't wait, just go there right now and just pause and check it out.
Speaker 2:Thank you, I appreciate it. I'm my own worst. I can't shamelessly promote myself that well. We'll have it on everything. Trust me On the reels we share.
Speaker 1:after this and when this goes out into the streaming world, it'll be everywhere. Hell yeah, appreciate it. I know you.
Speaker 2:You are everywhere, so it's like you're going through. I was masking all these things and I wasn't dealing with my shit. So, fast forward, some things happen, I make some decisions with some clever clandestine work, but I'm basically forced to take this deployment to Iraq and Syria Right. And I had a court date on the window in November and they were like it's September 2019. And so they're like hey, we need you to deploy in under 30 days and Green Beret, no fucking problem, dude, I don't care. I've done this many times before. I've turned out deployments in under a week, a couple days. I had a lot of the pre-training needed. I basically and this is, this is kind of a another lesson learned was I wasn't. I think this is just due to the military or just being a green beret, but we're not going to say no to a deployment.
Speaker 2:Oh yeah, we're totally not going to say no to never. Right, and and that's a, that's a thing. It's like our whole ethos, like we were. You know, I want to go out and do this job Now. Granted, I was slated to go later, but this is what I'm telling.
Speaker 2:The leadership is like I'm like, well, I'll go, but I kind of have this court date in November that I really need done and they kind of played around with it for a little bit. But two weeks go by, so I lose two weeks of prep and they call me. They're like you're it, you're fucking going dude, and I'm like, really shit. And so I basically you know all that, all that shit that was inside me about the divorce, I can't win everything else. Like I, I legit had a breakdown, I legit broke down. You know the thought of, and I remember you know my family was just telling me they're like just fucking settle and be done with it. You don't deploy. You don't deploy with this over your head, especially doing where you're. You know, whatever it is that you're doing over there, and I'm like, and you know, I bit the bullet and you know, 90 grand, all my 90 grand. Later it was done and I, I, you know I showed up to Iraq a broke man like mentally and financially, uh so that's a, that's a hard one man.
Speaker 2:Totally, and it's like we don't. You know, there wasn't any time to take a knee, there wasn't any time to let it process, and and so I just went over there hitting the fucking ground running and within a couple of weeks, you know, I worked on bag daddy, did some of the OPE for bag daddy. Oh, no shit, yeah and fuck.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And so a little little bit, tiny, tiny piece of work, right yeah, Very all the credit goes Still.
Speaker 1:you got that in your background.
Speaker 2:And it was. It was wicked funny Cause my oda buddies, they all they knew I went out there because I saw a couple of them at brag before I took off and they were like they're like I fucking knew as soon as you get out there shit was gonna start dying right like I was like, oh, I love that that's my reputation, man, but uh, no, I mean, just I had a very tiny role. You know the guys that did the raid and the people that actually found them. You know they deserve all the credit. You know what I'm saying. So but it would you know were they, you know, just having a tiny piece of anything like people are like no way. And I'm like, and I was kind of like, I'm like I wasn't, I wasn't one of the assaulters, like everyone fucking relax.
Speaker 1:You know what I'm saying. I wasn't one of the assaulters.
Speaker 2:Everyone fucking relax. You know what I'm saying. It's like you know.
Speaker 1:But whatever, right, yeah, and you're still part of the whole choir, the whole symphony.
Speaker 2:Yeah, exactly, exactly. I was the dude going around collecting money you know, or whatever Little guy going between the pews.
Speaker 1:You know what I'm saying?
Speaker 2:The church or whatever, yeah, but yeah, the pews here you want to do the church or whatever? Yeah, but yeah, like we, uh, we ended up, uh, but you know, I still kept the, the pedal, the pedal to the metal right and um, and that's just kind of how I am because, like, I feel like every centcom deployment, at that point they're like, oh, yeah, you know, we're gonna be wrapping it up in six months or a year, wrapping it up in six months, a year, like everybody's always. You know, at that time frame it was like what are we pulling out? What are we pulling out? Or, you know, have we met mission? Are we at transition? You know, you think about the phases of unconventional warfare. Are we at transition yet?
Speaker 2:And um, and it's just, you know, it's at that, that back and forth. So like, oh, I might not get another pump at this, I'm going to just go as fuck it, go for the shoe for the, you know, shoe for the stars, right, and uh, so I'm doing my job. You know I'm doing uh, doing some cool things and work with everybody, uh, trying to think of where I'm going to go with this, but uh, I'm going to try to stick this script in the book but what's been approved right.
Speaker 2:So, you know, eventually this, this relationship, you know, falls apart on me. I mean, at that point, that was the only personal thing that I had at that time, right, like was, was that relationship that I had, like my whole I was, like you know, could easily be, you know, strong like a fiddle, you know, and um, and so I, I kinda you know, when it ended, when it ended, everything that I wasn't dealing with at this point, all those internal dialogues at this point, all those internal dialogues that started way back at spy school, comes rushing up to me and I'm sitting in my little tiny chew containerized housing unit and I'm surrounded by I got Nate, I got frags, I got a whole arsenal and I got my pistol right on my nightstand, a little tiny nightstand, and it was like a whisper, a whisper in my head. I'm saying to myself I'm like I can't fucking win, couldn't win with her. I'm out here in this fucking deployment. I'm broke. What's it all for? My life is a joke. That's's what I said. And then this is the whisper. It just said just end it. That's what I was saying to myself was just end to just end it.
Speaker 2:And I don't know how long I had that staring contest with my pistol. I I really don't, because when you're in that shit, time kind of loses its relevance. And so I'm looking at it and I started to realize I felt like there was a presence in that room. I really did, I really did, and it was something like you're needed was whatever it was saying to me, but not really saying it. But that's what I felt.
Speaker 2:And I started realizing that the only thing I had left was the mission. That was it. And I remember saying all I have fucking left is the mission. And I pushed the pistol away and I got up and I went to the gym and I say that the mission saved me in that moment. And as Green Berets, we all know why do we do it for the mission. I remember very early on, shane Shorter, the CSM for SOCOM. He was my CSM in 1st Battalion and he's sitting on my E6 board and they're like men, are the mission right? And I'm like well, if there's no men, there's no mission. They're like the mission, even if you're the last man standing, and I'm like Roger Sargent. Major Answer has been updated.
Speaker 2:Yeah, exactly so. But it was like in that moment that, but that's it right. You know, that that sort of holy devotion to the mission you know saved me, and I'm not shitting you the fucking next day my boss out there, who you remember? The movie Tropic Thunder?
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:He was like Les Grossman, the Les Grossman of the special forces intelligence community. I'll say that you know one minute, you know he's all like charming with us the next minute. Or you know he's charming with cia on the phone and he hangs up the phone. He's like fucking loser, like you know, and sounds like an old warrant.
Speaker 1:I knew, yeah, shout out to heath.
Speaker 2:I loved all those guys. I was on that appointment with man, great dudes, every single one of them, and and so. But anyways, like we, uh he's like, hey, I need you to drop everything. You're going to work on this project with me. And I was like I, you know, I had cases, I work on other people's cases, had all this other shit going on and I couldn't, really I couldn't just drop. You know, you can't, I can't drop all these projects. And and he's like, no, trust me, you're going to want to do this. So I'm like, all right, cool.
Speaker 2:And it was about like, it's like kind of crazy that you know, obviously, in that environment, if I opened up about that, I knew it was done. You know my job was over. I go back. You know what's one more thing, what's one more L? Can I at that point going to do me? You know my job was over. I go back. You know what's one more thing, what's one more l? Can I at that point gonna do me? You know so, uh, we end up. Uh, so we're working on it and you know it's around january 2nd 2020.
Speaker 2:I'm noticing all of our isR is flying around Baghdad, biaf, and I'm like, hmm, how peculiar. We just so happen to be working this for the past two fucking weeks. I wonder what's going to happen. And at that point I'm probably a solid three months into this deployment, probably a solid three months into this deployment. And you know, everyone says you know, you know it in your bones when you hit four months.
Speaker 2:Right, and I wasn't quite at that point yet, but like I was getting tired, I was getting tired and I didn't even care what was going on in the ISR. You know, we all seen enough kill, kill TV where we're like all right, bad guy's going to die, cool, go to bed. And I'm like bitching in our little tiny jock and I'm like man, I'm going to fucking bed. I don't care, dude, we've been chasing this ghost for like two goddamn weeks. Who cares?
Speaker 2:Blah, blah, blah, and they're like no, dave, you sit your ass down and you know, pull out a metal chair, one of those shitty metal chairs, sit your ass in that chair, right there, and you know so, as the intelligence foretold, an individual got off, got, you know, got off a plane, got in a black SUV, started driving away and you know, same route, everything, all the work we did and about, I forget at exactly what point, how long it was. But saw that, saw the uav lock on and launch a 114 at it and I'm like holy shit, right, what was that? And uh, my buddy's slaps me on the back and he goes congratulations, you just bagged kasim soleimani. And we're like like fucking super bowl, super bowl moment.
Speaker 2:Super bowl moment screaming, hollering, throwing shit, like it was just utter insanity, utter insanity. Yeah, and I remember the joke I made. I said, well, enjoy it while it last, we're all fucking dead tomorrow. But you know it, regardless of the, the high of highs, I still had my problems I was dealing with. Yeah, I still had the problems I was dealing with and, and you know it, it wasn't.
Speaker 1:That's a reality for a lot of us to understand. Like the mission will get you through that initial crisis, um, and and if you're listening and you've experienced the loss of a relationship on deployment, whether it's a girlfriend or a wife or you know you lost something, something fell apart while you were gone. All of us have been in that situation where then you're like fuck it, just focusing on gym and work, that's it. You'll get in the greatest shape of your life. You'll be honed in on the mission, you'll be fucking dialed in with laser focus, but that only gets you through for so long. Yep, and eventually that sort of like continues. That falls apart. That's another like. It buffers you up. You're strong and resilient till eventually. That isn't enough. I I mean like I didn't even care.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I didn't even care, like it was. You know, in that initial moment it was great, but the next day I was just like all right, whatever, I'm still stuck with all my bullshit you know, and and so, uh, I, uh, so I end up getting burned and then, you know, thrown on a plane back home. Um about, just shy of my 180 oh shit. And so I and I, at that point I wasn't really complaining. You know, I wasn't really complaining.
Speaker 1:Guys, bags are actually packed.
Speaker 2:I would. I would probably say the most interesting story within my, within my story, is the, the shenanigans that happened. After all that, you know, I mean, they'll never see the light of day but, like, um, everything that we had to do to, you know, maintain our posture and everything else, cause I mean it was, I mean we were close to going to war with Iran that time, and, and, uh, and it was just every day, you know, I had my ship packed, you know, ready to go across the border in some way, shape or form. So, um, and you know, at that point, that's what you know for me that there was soulless and, well, I might not come back from this mission.
Speaker 2:Right and and so it's, it's fucked up to say that, but that that's what the internal dialogue was like. You know, I just wanted the pain over with, you know, but I I didn't, I didn't go through with actually doing it in the moment, and so. But the real battle, just like you said, didn't start until I got home, and now I have it's a middle like kovid just started, just kicked off and I'm stuck. I'm stuck with dealing with my fucking. You know, I'm now. I have all the time in the world to unpack, right.
Speaker 2:I get a phone call from work. I'm like, hey, what do I do? What do I do? I just got home. They're like, oh, we don't know yet, but you earned some good time off, and I'm like time off, I want my fucking life back, right, like you know, I don't need time off right now. Oh god, you know, and uh, and so I'm just. But honestly, though, these are the moments that that really test you, to make you stronger you can, and I think the the thing that I said to myself when I, when I came home, was I looked, I had a bottle I like Balvini scotch it's one of my favorite scotches and, uh, I had a bottle of Balvini tucked away waiting for me when I got back and I was like you know what man not doing that and I, I said I said, you know, whatever this is what I said to myself, I said, whatever the fuck this is, I'm gonna get through this.
Speaker 2:Whatever the fuck this is, I'm gonna figure it out. And you know, if you think of all the apathy, the internal dialogue, the fear, the anger, all that anger, every functioning on, anger, every day, right, uh, projecting my bullshit into my work in some way shape or form, I had nowhere to go. But by simply saying that making that deal with myself, that takes some courage. Courage is a better emotion than wallowing in shame, guilt and hopelessness. And so I think, having that sort of mindset, it wasn't that it was a full gambit of emotions, a roller coaster. Some days were good, some days were bad, and again, my coping mechanism, the only coping mechanism any of us could have done during that time, was fitness, and I was running an Abe Lincoln Memorial every day. It was almost six miles round trip. There was no one on the mall. It was really spooky, pounding pavement trying to figure this out. What the fuck, where did it all go wrong? And again, some of those emotions, they would resurface. Oh, I could have did this better. I could have did that better if I only did this right, none of that shit matters.
Speaker 2:You're here, I'm focusing on the past, and I'm focusing on the past and there's this negative thought loop that I'm trapped in. That I'm trapped in and that's exactly what I try to spell out for the readers to try to identify that in yourself book. Am I gonna spoil it just because I? I I love how I wrote it, um, but I'm looking at myself in the mirror now and when I say this folks, there's no aha moment with this stuff. You're gonna have a couple moments of clarity, but it's not like the hollywood version, exactly where it's like.
Speaker 2:And then it was all sunshines and rainbows and I got the girl and I was a millionaire and like no, it's all like that. Life is unfortunately, life, right and very real. So, like we, like I'm, I'm looking in the mirror and I finally externalized what I was feeling inside. I looked at myself in the eye and I looked at myself. I looked in the mirror and I said I want to kill myself and the, the level of catharsis were like that. I experienced finally verbalizing it and I was like so what are we going to fucking do about it? Dude, and it? It was a little bit of fight. You know it gave me fight, to, to, to, and so what I started doing? Because in my line of work and you'll see examples of this in the book if I go to mental health they're going to sideline me and I didn't want to be taken off ops, I didn't want to get sidelined. I was like, as soon as this COVID shit lifts, I'm going right back into going right back at it.
Speaker 2:But I dealt with it myself. I kept questioning myself and asking myself why, why, why, why, why, why? When you go to these human courses you do all this sexy trade crap, but the whole fucking purpose is to ask this person five simple questions who, what, where, when, why and how, and then also money, et cetera. There's a whole acronym for that. But I looked at myself and I started unpacking it every day and I had a calendar and I'd mark it with a red. Oh, do I feel like off of myself today? Yes, okay.
Speaker 1:X. That day gone to X.
Speaker 2:I was doing these mental AARs every day, and who would have thought an AAR would be so useful?
Speaker 1:right. Well, you're doing something that mental health providers do and that's just the basic checking in. Where are you today? Like, yeah, you put it out into the real world. You said, you stated it and by all means this is not an endorsement for you to not get help if you are suicidal right now, if you are in crisis. You're not saying that this is what you do. This is his lived experience. This is Dave's lived experience in a moment in time.
Speaker 1:But it's very true that there is a power in saying it out loud. When it's in here, nobody knows it. You're dealing with it, you put it out into the world, you start talking about it and you face it and in your case, dave, you wanted to take action, you wanted to do something, and that's what people don't realize in those Hollywood moments from somebody who's in crisis. It fast forwards into this version of montage of getting through help and talk therapy and it's really fast and it's like no, it's actually methodical, step-by-step, one day at a time. Maybe you go inpatient treatment, maybe you do start off with better help with telehealth services, but it's your journey and it really doesn't go fast, man. It's one day at a time. It's doing the check-in. Where am I today? How are things for me? Where can I improve? In your experience? And I have to imagine it'd be a little more different if we weren't dealing with fucking COVID and a fucking lockdown. Yeah, where you really are by yourself, yeah.
Speaker 2:I think probably one of the most therapeutic things that could have happened was I just get to go home, see family stuff like that, and luckily I know most people that don't have the relationship with their family like I do. But you got to go to your strong points, that's a thing.
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 2:You have to go to your strong points, and this is the thing. This is something that I preach, now more than ever is that we have this rucksack of life.
Speaker 1:I love that analogy.
Speaker 2:Rucksack of life, man, you're going to get rocks in that rucksack. What are you doing to remove those rocks in your rucksack Now? Cognitive behavioral therapy great. Doing a psychedelic retreat great. When you start looking at your life holistically.
Speaker 2:Now, this is the kind of thing where especially soft if you look at me in this example in the book, this version of myself I was all in on work, I was all in on work. I was all in on work and I was all in on physical fitness. Now, those are just two buckets of all the buckets in life that we deal with. You have to have social wellness. You have to have spiritual wellness, emotional wellness. Now, if your emotional wellness sucks like mine did CBT. Now if your emotional wellness sucks, like mine did CBT psychedelic retreat all these things help you address those internal dialogues, to deal with those emotions. We're emotional beings. Don't be afraid of life. You're watering your social bucket, hanging out with friends, positive interaction. Spiritually, you're going to church or church isn't your thing. You're practicing gratitude. You're journaling. Your intellectual bucket's getting filled, either taking online courses or working towards a degree or starting a sub stack.
Speaker 1:There's so many you.
Speaker 2:you have green great friends, just like me, and they all got sub stacks with some pretty high iq shit going on some smart motherfuckers out there? Yeah, there are there are like I never thought of it that way, wow.
Speaker 1:And the warrior philosophers man, like we, we are individuals that we like to think, and this is not just for the soft community. But, yeah, 11 bravos too. Fucking all of you veterans out there like I, I hate the fact that more people aren't doing just that. Like that is a bucket that needs to be filled. Like you we are. We should be lifelong learners and you'll be amazed at how many things you can.
Speaker 1:You can start learning and start like being a student again beginner's mind. Pick up a hobby that requires you to learn new skill. Like it is a vital part of life to be a learner, please, we. We talk about mind, body and spirit and all these other areas you have to work on. But, dude, dave, you're 100% right on that man, that ability to learn and acquire a new skill. Or just put your thought and analysis into something, write your own blog, put it out there, put it out for the world. It might not mean much to anybody except you and maybe a few people, but who cares? If it matters to you and you want to talk about the latest innovation in fucking engines, then do it, yeah.
Speaker 2:Whatever that may be Right and that's that's the important thing. And so when you have say you have all your buckets, you're putting effort and water into I like to say water in the different buckets, right? Um, when one of these buckets gets kicked over, you have all this other stuff to rely on. You have other things to look forward to. I work with law enforcement and I see a lot of the same problems. They have the same issues that we have right. 100%, 100% dude.
Speaker 2:Same issues that we have. And you know I was talking to. I was talking to a fellow and, uh, you know he had some mental health concerns and stuff like that. So I'm referring him to resources and stuff and but I'm I'm trying to have him look at his life holistically and he's like, well, I do all this overtime and and uh, and I'm like, well know, he has a young family, right? I'm like you know, he has told himself that he's making all these sacrifices for his family and I'm like, but do you need the money? And he's like, no.
Speaker 2:I'm like, okay, well, does your wife want you home more? Probably, then maybe we should stop nailing ourselves to the cross, like you know, and, and we do this, we do this all the time, right, and and so it's like, have them take a step back. It's like, no, I want you to have a healthy social life. No, I want your, your family. Like, I want, you know, because at home we all want peace, man, we want peace at home and because when we leave, we come home. Whatever it is that we're doing, whether our jobs are stuff like that, we come back. That's our place to reset. And so I think, but in the grand scheme of things, if you're putting effort into the other areas, you go through a divorce, you're going to be like all right, right, whatever, I'm going skiing this weekend with my friends. Yeah, if you have the money for it yeah, but like you know, that could be.
Speaker 2:That could be a thing. Like you know, you talk about picking up a new skill. I just learned to ski last winter and, um, fuck yeah, I am 100 an addict, I guess you could say. And uh, it was just dumping buckets outside, so I'm a little itchy to get on that slopes. But for me, having those things to look forward to gives our life a lot more why.
Speaker 1:Absolutely, dude, absolutely, dave, I can't thank you enough for being here with us today Before I let you go. What are you doing today and how can we get a hold of you? And where can we get your book of you and where can we get your book?
Speaker 2:I can pick up my book on Amazon. Audiobook is available on, I think, almost every platform and you can get ahold of me at my website, davefieldingcom. I'm on Instagram, davefieldingdol, and I do have an ex-account, but I don't really. I'm not a big Twitter guy or ex guy but you can get ahold of me on there too, but my website dayfieldingcom, instagram, dayfieldingdol my book Into the Darkness A Journey of Love, war, emotional.
Speaker 1:Freedom on Amazon. Hell yeah, and all those links and link directly to his book and the Audible book will be on the episode description. So pause right now, take a little fingers, type, get in there, buy the book and support Dave and support the show. So if you're not following us on YouTube, first of all, why, why are you doing that? Like, come on, get, get with it. People subscribe so you can get the latest episodes. But please leave us a review on Apple and spotify. You'll see all the links right here. Just give us a positive review so we can grow, help us support the show and continue the mission of security hall.
Speaker 1:Dave, I can't thank you enough for being here, brother, and for writing this amazing book. Uh, it's easily digestible and let me tell you right now I'll put it out there. Uh, if you want a copy for free, get into the DMs. Just send us a message saying bananas and I will pick five of you and I will send you a book, because we got to support our authors. And if you've got a book, I want to hear about it. Come on the show, slide on into the DMs. It's easiest on Instagram, but you can always email us at sechhaltpodcast at gmailcom. I'm Danny Caballero. I am so grateful for you for tuning in and we'll see you all next time. Until then, take care.
Speaker 1:Thanks for tuning in, and don't forget to like, follow, share, subscribe and review us on your favorite podcast platform. If you want to support us, head on over to buymeacoffeecom forward, slash sechhaltpodcast and buy us a coffee. Connect with us on Instagram X or TikTok and share your thoughts or questions about today's episode. You can also visit securityhawkcom for exclusive content, resources and updates. And remember we get through this together. If you're still listening, the episode's over. Yeah, there's no more Tune in tomorrow or next week. Thank you.
