Security Halt!
Welcome to Security Halt! Podcast, the show dedicated to Veterans, Active Duty Service Members, and First Responders. Hosted by retired Green Beret Deny Caballero, this podcast dives deep into the stories of resilience, triumph, and the unique challenges faced by those who serve.
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Security Halt!
Episode 162: Cameron Cushman: Army Veteran and Filmmaker.
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Cameron Cushman is a story teller, director, and film maker. Above all though, he is a man determined to THRIVE, not just survive. Cameron joins me on this episode to share his story and to bring light to the often invisible battles that veterans face with health and bureaucracy. From the physical to the mental, we expose the painful journey through injuries, chronic conditions, and the labyrinthine process of the VA system. Our stories reveal the deep resilience necessary to navigate these storms and the determination to not just survive, but thrive.
Our episode takes a hard look at the reality of post-service life, including the struggles of starting a podcast, the commitment it requires, and the hurdles that often derail artistic aspirations.
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Transitioning From Military to Creativity
Speaker 1That's the name of the game . You're going to try to find every different way to get supported on your different platforms . What a joy it is to be a creative . I never thought of myself as being able to do this . It just takes one person . It takes one person that's positive , that's out there doing something good , that's brave enough to put themselves out there and show like , hey , you don't have to stick to the narrative . You find that one person you're like okay , well , maybe I can do this . It's rewarding , to say the least . A lot of work , but it's fun plugging along .
Speaker 2Yeah , there's a lot of work in the creative world . There's so many avenues of it too . Podcast man I'll be the first to say I've got two podcast setups . I've got this road below me . I've got a Zoom setup . I don't have a podcast . I've bought this , the road . This is like the bigger road setup . I forget what it's called , but the road is one .
Speaker 2Yeah , the Procaster one , yeah , yeah , yeah , yeah , I bought that . And , man , I want to say like 2019 , I was like , well , I'm starting a podcast and then I just never could commit myself to the time or like to getting the name and like , or every time I did , we'd record one episode and it would be phenomenal . And then I'd be like life got the way Because I'm just so busy with all you know so much . Man , I'm just a mess . Everything's going out of my pockets .
Speaker 1That's what the name of the game is authentic and real .
Speaker 2Geez man , I've got like two glucose monitors just falling out everywhere , um , I uh . But yeah , you know , and it's funny . So then I bought the more portable setup because I was like you know what I do , all these back country film trips , we're going to start recording podcasts in the back country , recorded like two , they were phenomenal . And then I don't know what happened . I just never went anywhere with them , but thankfully it's not like I made a . You know , I didn't . I didn't get them out into the world that way . People were like well , what happened , bro , you know ? So now I just use it to be on other people's podcasts , I guess .
Speaker 1Well , I'm grateful for your , your being being able to spend so much time and effort and devote the , the monetary funds , toward great setup . For sure , for sure .
Speaker 2I get compliments when I joined zoom and Google meet , so I mean , you know , there I do got that going for me . I guess they're like oh , you're , you went a little over the top for this meeting .
Speaker 1I was like , well , I bought it for a podcast .
Speaker 2I never use it . Might as well use it for this .
Speaker 1Yeah , I get the same thing I do . You know , I also go to school and every time I sit down and meet with an instructor or somebody that's , you know , an academic advisor like oh geez , like you got a pro setup , and I'm like , yeah , like it's what I do , this is my thing For sure . Where are you based out of ? So I'm still in Northwest Florida . I retired out of seventh group so I stayed right here because my wife's also in the military , so she's still in , she's still doing her thing . But this is our last few months . We're finally leaving the area here in a little bit .
Speaker 2Gotcha . Gotcha , one of my good buddies . He was a seventh group guy and he was down at dive school for years . He just moved back up to the area he he retired , but so he's somewhere in in that area . He's now offering some type of like waterborne training , working with a few other guys and trying to trying to find , make some money somehow in this world . You know , yeah .
Speaker 1And number one stressor when guys are getting ready to make that big , bold leap , it's like what am I going to do for money ? Who's going to pay me to do things ? And it's like you can play it safe through the contracting thing or you can devote yourself to like just a little bit of time , a little bit of energy and try to figure out what you're passionate about . Yeah , and it is scary , man , like that's one of the the greatest things that you have to overcome , Like water scary . Being on a hit is scary . Getting on a fucking airborne op is scary , like . But we do it , we're okay with it .
Speaker 1And then , when it comes time to retire or transition , then it becomes like the most paralyzing fear , which is one of the things I want to talk to you today , because when I found your profile , when I found you through the , the interwebs and the social media , yeah , I found somebody that was just like a lot of the guys I know Physically you've endured a lot , you've been through so much and nobody would have been like hey , dude , nobody would have questioned it if you decided to play it safe and be like you know what ? I'm going to become an insurance salesman . This is what I'm going to do . This is the nice easy game , but you carved yourself out a great space in being a creative and you're doing something that so many of us are attracted to , but we let fear get in the way .
Army Service and Medical Challenges
Speaker 1So today , cameron Cushman , welcome to Security Out podcast . Today we're talking about you , my man . Thank you for being here .
Speaker 2Man , that was a smooth intro , that was smooth dude , that was a really smooth how you work . That I mean it was good , it was really good , man .
Speaker 1I'm stoked .
Speaker 2Thank you so much for having me . Yeah , dude , so I mean you know we can jump kind of right in my . You know , my there's no like unique story to like dudes . You know , getting messed up in service , right , like that's , you know , pretty normal . Where my story is like a little bit more on the unique side is a lot of my injuries were from a surgeon , from an army surgeon , right , and so this story is like way too long . It's all this . Condense it as much as I can , but like so I was a just infantry dude , 11 Charlie , and so I was in from 2010 to 2016 , spent four years before Wainwright .
Speaker 212 months of that was in Afghanistan , and then the army broke my contract because I'd reenlisted to stay in Alaska . The army broke that contract and sent me , of all places , to Fort Hood , texas , which it's so funny , no matter who I talk to . The second , I mentioned Fort Hood . They're like oh , or that sucks , bro , it is a cesspool . Like it is , it truly is , and I don't I don't know how like they've changed the name now and everything , but like I mean I've met some really great people , you know , that have been at Fort Hood , but like the majority of the place is just like . It's like where they send all the leaders that they don't want to deal with . That's where they send them , you know , and I , so I go to you know the army breaks that contract .
Speaker 2And I'm my platoon surgeon at the time was like , hey , the army broke your contract and you're getting sent somewhere . And I assumed I'd be getting sent to Carson because I turned down orders to Carson to re-enlist . So I was like , oh , you know , it's all right , you know . And so I come in and and he's like he prints out the orders . He's like , hey , you're going to Fort Hood . I was like , not for real , where am I going ? And he was like , yeah , you're , you're going to Fort Hood .
Speaker 1The heart starts to beat really .
Speaker 2Oh dude .
Speaker 1Oh God Right .
Speaker 2And this was right after um , one of the like the lat , one of the shootings that had happened on post um , it was the one where , like the I want to say it was like an engineer battalion or something the guys , I think the guys like family was like his closest family member was like dying and the unit denied his leave to go see her , and so he was like you know , I'm going to do what I'm going to do , and so I think he shot three or four people . It may have been more , but I don't think so . It was like direct , direct chain of command . Um , man , and so , like my wife is like where , I'm sorry , where are we going ? Yeah , you know , and cause , I mean , like even for her , she , she knew like Fort Hood wasn't a good place to be , you know , and um , anyways , I get to Fort Hood , but uh , a backtrack a little bit to Afghanistan .
Speaker 2I get super sick in country , which I feel like that's pretty common for dudes to just get a bad batch of water , you know dysentery crap in their pants throwing up on patrol , and uh , we got it like mid fighting season . So I mean , you know , we're still doing like 19 , 20 hour days in the summer just dying . You know I seem to have some lasting issues from it . Um blood in the stool , um , pretty consistently and obviously like in country . You know the docs like what do you want me to do , brother ?
Speaker 2You know , like it drinks some more water . And so , you know , you know , it's like six months later , get back to the States and it's still going on , and go to a specialist and they're like , hey , you know , the good news is we didn't find anything wrong . Bad news is like we don't know what's wrong , you know . And so they're like , yeah , we don't , we don't think you know like it should go away on its own . I was like , well , I mean , it's been like seven , eight months , you know . And they , I went back another time . They found I had a really small , uh , sliding hiatal hernia , which one out of three men will develop in their lifetime . If you've got reflux , good chance , you have a sliding hiatal hernia , um , so super common , um , but fast forward . And they said that would that shouldn't give me issues , and they didn't think that was connected Uh , fast forward to like I'm now at hood , uh , and shortly after I've gotten there , I've got real bad reflux .
Speaker 2Now , hey , like to the point , like if I'm doing pushups , like it's just coming into my throat , uh , which is just miserable . If I'm like and hood is mechanized , and so those vehicles are just so bumpy , and I mean they're mechanized . I'm not a big fan of mechanized . I came from a striker unit and if I could have had my way I would have been a light guy . You know like I like my feet , um and uh . And so I mean I remember we were at NTC and every bump in those track vehicles it was just like reflux , reflux , reflux and uh , as dumb luck would have it , I took a 240 to the face at uh at NTC and busted out like 17th on my top teeth .
Speaker 2Um and so , like these these are all fake Like it's like a , one of the largest bridges they can do , went like they don't like doing them that long . Uh , knock on wood , this thing hasn't broke . But um , and so they send me like to the , the NTC you know like dentist office , which these you know like what are they going to do ? Um , and he's , he's looking at like just the back of all my teeth . He's like man , do you have real bad reflux ? And I was like I do . And he goes you've got like major scarring inside your like in your mouth and the back of your throat . He's like you need to go like see a specialist today . He's like and this is like a dentist . He's like man you could have like Barrett's esophagus , which you know leads to esophageal cancer , and I'm sitting here like , excuse me , sir , you know , come again .
Speaker 1What did you say ?
Speaker 2And so he sends , uh , whatever to try to send me immediately back to hood . And my unit did not deny it , um , which is really funny , I that that whole this just shows the hood story . I was on the Advaughn flight to NTC , so the the first in the unit , cause my wife was pregnant , so , there , I was supposed to come back sooner anyways , no , um , that they thought I broke my teeth on my own or something , because I was the last flight , the last guy in the unit to leave NTC . I was , and I was the first to show up . You know , like , so this , this is where my hatred towards what really started . You know , like , I was about ready to go to the six board in five years .
Speaker 2Man , Like , I'm not a dirt bag by any means , you know , um , and and so , anyways , I get back , I go see this specialist and he's like yeah , you know , let's try you on every medication . So like , throw me on all these different medications . And responded to none of them . Um , they're running all these different like tests , just , and you know they've done a bunch of upper endoscopy . He's like , yeah , you're sliding high , I'll do . Hernia is huge , you know , it's this fincter between the top of your stomach and , um , the bottom of your esophagus is wide open , um , and so he's like you know we got to do a surgery and so he sends me to you know one of the general surgeons at at hood , and so she's like you know we're going to do what's called the Nissen fund application . It's where they take , they remove the hernia and they take your upper stomach and wrap it around your lower esophagus and then like tie in it . It's so funny . How like cameras do you ever ?
Speaker 1notice this thing .
Speaker 2Yeah , dude , we're break topic real quick . The other day I was talking to somebody about like we were talking about like veteran suicide it was a very serious conversation and fucking balloons , the balloons , balloons . Dude , I want to know how these platforms decide what I know Like . I guess , if you do , maybe my hand went like this and so the thumbs up makes sense , but why were balloons flying up ? Firecrackers ?
Speaker 2And we're sitting here talking about something serious and balloons come up and and I remember she was like , were those just balloons ? And I was like I think so , and I didn't do it , I promise you . I probably thought I did like mocking her , I don't know , but anyways , thank you AI , and so right .
Speaker 2And so this . So we go in for the first surgery . So when she's in there she finds my issue and this is what the big issue had been for most likely the blood and the stool was . I not only had that sliding hiatal , I had a secondary parisophageal hernia , which is like a more rare hernia , very hard to diagnose , harder to find , because it can be on the outside of the stomach , and so mine was on the outside . So unless you're cutting or it's so bad that you see it twisting the stomach from a scope , you wouldn't know is there . And so when she was obviously cutting , it's actually found it . And so basically what happens with a parisophageal hernia is , over time it grabs your stomach and it'll twist it to death essentially , and so she removes both the hernias .
Speaker 2I wake up super nauseous . So whatever anesthetic they put me on made me really sick . And so I'm like retching right after this surgery . And so they don't really emphasize it with Nissans like you never can throw up again . So I never can throw up again , which is fucking miserable . A lot of people like that's epic . I'm like no , bro , if you're sick and you can't throw up , that is not fun , you know .
Speaker 2And so I had a retching episode right away , and I remember calling the nurses in for like I needed nausea medication into my IV and they're like yelling at me for retching and I was like I'm sorry , it's my fault , you know . And so about a week later I noticed I was having some difficulty breathing and so I went back to the surgeon . I said , hey , something's wrong . Like I feel like I'm choking , but I'm not choking . And so I hadn't even started to eat yet . I was still on a liquid diet . So like I was just on water and like I think I just started like insure shakes or something like that , because you have to like relearn how to eat , basically with the nissen . And she's like , ah , it's PTSD from the surgery and I was like damn what ?
Speaker 1do you ?
Speaker 2mean ? What is that ? You know it .
Speaker 1The words you're using .
Speaker 2I don't think you know what they mean , and I was like I don't how , why would I have it from a surgery ? You know , like now it makes sense if I had it now from what she did the next surgery . But so anyways , like I went in there every few days like man I cannot breathe , and I mean to the point where I was hearing my chest like sucking , like my chest would literally have that high pitched wheeze . You know like like what a sucking chest wound sounds like , you know . And I think it's like almost a month later , maybe just over a month , and I go
Medical Challenges and Treatments
Speaker 2in there . I was like you need to give me a barium swallow and I had been asking for this . And if you've ever had a barium , or anybody who's had a barium , that's not something you ask for like willingly .
Speaker 2A barium swallow is like the best way to describe buy a bunch of chalk , put it in a blender and then add a little bit of water to it and then drink it . You know like it's this just like thick clay nastiness and then you drink it with like pop rocks too , that like make everything fizzle . It's not fun , and so I'm begging for a barium . Like that should tell you , just give me the damn thing . Like this isn't costing the army anything . So she's like whatever , go to radiology right now , they'll do the , they'll do the barium . So I go over there and I take the first sip , because they're doing like a live x-ray , basically as you're taking it , and I take the first sip because they're doing like a live x-ray , basically as you take it , and they take it when you're standing laying like in different positions , and the this you know x-ray tech just starts laughing and he's like you should see the size of this hernia crushing your lung right now . And so I was like , in a way , I'm laughing because I was like good talk , doc .
Speaker 1I was right , you know .
Speaker 2And so what had happened was the surgeon they blamed my retching on the surgery failing . My third surgeon would go on to say that that was bullshit , that it was a sole complacency on her behalf that she didn't do a good job , because all surgeries like of that should expect you to retch at some point within the first few weeks . And so what had happened was the parisalpha geohirnia , that more dangerous , rare one , had came back , had completed the surgery , and the parisalpha geohirnia was just rare when it came back had completely like encapsulated the surgical site and was like twisting it and just pushing on my lung . And so she schedules like an emergency upper endoscopy for the next day . And so I come in , we do the EGD . It butterflies . So butterflies like when the camera goes down and it can't pass a certain point and it basically hits something and turns back up . And so I just the surgical site and because I had only been drinking water and as slow as I was , I didn't notice because it would seep through like the cracks into my stomach when it could . And so the next day they obviously do an emergency surgery . And so we go in there and it's the same surgeon .
Speaker 2And so this time around . They're like hey , we're gonna hit you with an anesthetic that has no history of nausea , it's very painful . Who says that ? Like , just maybe don't tell me that , because I'm never gonna forget this . I mean , dude , there was like four anesthesiologists in the room , like five nurses in the room , like I'm just like I'm dying clearly . And I mean they're like hopefully you , we're gonna hit you with like the normal anesthesia that you get when you get like your wisdom teeth out , like the one that most people would fall asleep to . At this point I'm on like my seventh or eighth you know EGD in a few months . So I have a high tolerance to anesthesia and so you know like when you're put under , it's like the nurse is always like how you feeling .
Speaker 2You know , like right , when they hit you with it , and I'm every time dude , I'm like why'd awake ?
Speaker 2You know , and I'm still here , bitch , and so right so they hit me , you know , with this and I'm like , yeah , dude , I'm wide awake and they're like all right , what kind of music do you wanna listen to ? They're like you need to pick something that you that's gonna put you in a good place . And I'm just saying like , what are you guys doing to me ? You know , and I mean I picked the Beach Boys . I don't remember what song , but I picked the Beach Boys . And man , I think that may have made it worse .
Speaker 2And listen , I've never done like acid or anything , but I'm pretty sure the feeling that I felt would probably be equivalent to acid . They may have gave me acid , for all I know , because when they hit me with this anesthetic , the doctor even again was like listen , it's gonna be painful . I'm just like what does that mean ? And , dude , the best way I could describe it was like like a bunch of elephants standing on me as I fell , like hundreds of feet , and it do like I felt like I was . It felt like that for like 30 minutes , like it probably was like five seconds before I fell asleep , but it felt like 30 minutes and just like this weight just crushing on me , like everything was like pressurized , and I mean like things are like I'm seeing weird shit and the Beach Boys music is sounding real trippy at that point , and so I wake up from the surgery and she's like it went so well and so you know , I believe there Mission accomplished Right and then .
Speaker 2So this time around , my body was not responding well to eating , again like to liquid . So I remember trying to drink water and like having this excruciating chest pain , which was later diagnosed as esophageal spasm . So , essentially , like something she nicked or touched causes my esophagus to spasm and like the best way to describe it is like something enters the esophagus , it doesn't like it and it squeezes below it and on top of it , trying to reject it one way or the other , and so if it's squeezing it together , it's pounding on it and it's putting this like massive pressure and for , like those who have experienced esophageal spasms , like they can attest to this , like the best way to describe it and this is what my doctors have said is like the sensation of a heart attack . Oh , we can't , because I mean like pain just shoots through an arm . And so they've you know , they've told me , like you won't know the difference when you're older , like , oh cool , I guess you know Nice .
Speaker 2Got that one for too , and so I couldn't drink water and so I didn't . From July , like 15th , or whenever my second surgery was to , I think towards the end of August , I had no water at all . I was drinking Gatorade and that , because the Gatorade for some reason would go , ended up in the hospital for like vitamin A toxicity and , you know , dehydration . And so finally , like had to like drink water and learn how . And I mean at this point , like I'm from like 190 to like 148 pounds and we still haven't realized , like the major damage that has been caused yet because I haven't eaten food . And so I mentally learned how to block out this esophageal spasm . Right , because it was so depressing , I went from I like food , everyone likes food to not being able to eat . And you don't realize after a few weeks of your mouth not chewing , your body starts to be like something's weird here . And it got to the point it was affecting my family . Like my wife didn't want to eat in front of me and so if we were out traveling to a doctor's appointment and it was lunchtime , she wouldn't eat . And so I remember one day we stopped at a subway . I was like , order me a sub . And she was like , babe , you can't eat it . And I was like , just order me a sub . And so she bought me a sub . I kid you not , man , this is like so depressing . I remember like crying when I was doing this I would chew the sub and spit it out , just for the sense of like remembering what it was like to eat , you know .
Speaker 2And so eventually , like a few weeks later , I learned how to block the spasms and I started eating and I was eating like you start slow , like on , like mashed potatoes or rice , something that is not gonna like I couldn't eat steak , obviously , something that would be hard . And I remember the first time I think my first meal was mashed potatoes and I was so nauseous , like I looked like I was six months pregnant for hours and hours , like like felt like I was dying , like something was wrong on my stomach . I was so bloated , and so this was happening every time I ate . And so I went back to her . I was like something's wrong . And she was like you just need to go see a , you need to go back to your doctor . I'm not doing dealing with this anymore .
Speaker 2And so they said I go back to my gastroenterologist . He's like we're just gonna send you to BAMC to figure out what's wrong , because you know this is out of my . I don't know what you're dealing with , and they hadn't even run any tests . So I got a BAMC and I go for my first upper endoscopy there and you know , like EGD , like you're not supposed to eat after you know , like 11 or eight or whatever time they say , it's always seems to be different . I've got one next week and they said not after 11 . For me , though , I know I can't eat for longer than that .
Speaker 2But I go for this EGD and I wake up and I'm getting yelled at Like as I'm coming off of the anesthesia , like what you know , and they're like we told you not to eat . You realize what could happen , if you know , if we accidentally , you know , punctured something and food got into your body and I'm like I haven't eaten in five days . And they're like what is this ? And they're showing up like a photo of mashed potatoes and I was like I ate those mashed potatoes last , like Thursday , and this is like a Tuesday or something . And they're like you're a liar and dude next . So they're like you're coming back tomorrow and so I don't eat anything . And I wake up again , something's wrong with you . The mashed potatoes are still there . And I'm like , yeah , yeah , something's clearly wrong . And so now we're like , all right , what the what the fuck ?
Speaker 2And so they do a few like pressure tests to see if there's a pressure imbalance . Like which is this miserable little tiny tube they stick down , so it's almost like an NG tube . They it's really small , they stick it down your nose and it like measures the pressure you can like feel it . It's very uncomfortable . They do it when you're awake , and so my pressure was slightly , was slightly off , not like crazy , crazy off , but it was slightly off . And so they're like , all right , we need to just do some more tests .
Speaker 2And so this is the test that determined everything they send me for , like the egg test . And so you essentially eat a radioactive egg and bread , and so you eat this and you have to eat it under two minutes , which for me is very challenging , with the esophageal spasms , like I couldn't . I don't think I did , I think I ate in like nine minutes , or I know I ate it like triple the time that you're allowed . And so then they do like an X-ray . I think they may have changed it . When I did it , they did an X-ray every 15 minutes for the first hour and then every 30 minutes for the next three hours , so it was a total of four hours of X-rays to see what is your stomach emptying . The normal person at four hours would have like , and 99% of the food would be emptied .
Speaker 2I think I was at like a 1% empty rate and so they diagnosed me right then with gastroparesis , and gastroparesis , like the term , seems to change a lot , but it's like delayed stomach emptying or paralyzed stomach , and so at this point all my medical stuff is down at BAMC . So I'm just driving the three hours to BAMC , like every other day from hood , and they're like listen , you've got gastroparesis . This most likely was caused by that surgeon severing your vagus nerve , which is Just huge Gastroparesis . Yeah , I mean gastroparesis typically affects women and it's normally idiopathic . So no known cause . Some other like bigger causes of it is diabetes can cause it , and then the rest are all nerve related . So the vagus nerve typically is the one getting nicked and so they finally like I mean at this point , dude , I'm like on like upper endoscopy , like 20 .
Speaker 2I'm addicted to anesthesia , like if that's a thing , like if I walk to this day , if I walk into a hospital , I can taste it in the air , because I'd been put under so many times like that sensation , like I was craving that , because it was the only time that brought me like a sense of peace , like of no pain , and because I'm so nauseous .
Speaker 2I'm nauseous 24 seven . I'm in pain 24 seven because the stomach's not emptying and so your body's bloating , basically . But for me , most gastroparesis , people throw up , they can't keep anything down . I physically can't throw up and so my body is just like I'm hitting as I'm trying to throw up , like the surgical site . Now my body knows , hey , you can't throw up , and so it'll just try to push it the other way . Unless I have a stomach flu , I'll try to throw up , but which is not fun . So they finally sent me to a third surgeon who's a Mayo Clinic guy , who's in the Air Force , and so this is a dude who only does like specialty cases , people that are really messed up , or like on their fifth , sixth , seventh surgeries , like why don't you , why don't you do me first , bro , and Can ?
Speaker 1we just get rid of the butcher and go straight to the professional .
Speaker 2Right , right . And so I go in for this surgery , and this is my third surgery now and this is January of 2016 .
Military Medical Challenges and VA Process
Speaker 2At this point , the Army has not found it , like hasn't found me on fit for duty . I haven't been to formation in months , like or anything . My unit had deployed to Korea , so the rear D-like didn't care . I was the dirtbag because I didn't deploy to Korea , because I got a surgeon screwed me , you know like which is yeah , part of me gets that infantry mentality .
Speaker 2If you can't fight , you know what good are you . But you didn't have to be so unsupportive about it and make me the bad guy , you know . So I built a big resentment towards the military at first . So , going for the third surgery and basically , hey , we don't know what we're doing . We're doing one of three surgeries , we're taking down everything she's done in hopes that maybe the hernias won't come back and we can bring you to a normal level If you have , you know , like , maybe at this point your sphincter has refixed itself , even though it hadn't been very long .
Speaker 2Or the second option go in , take down everything . She did , redo it correctly . Nothing is gonna change the fact that my stomach's now paralyzed , but they're trying to figure out ways to give me some relief , yeah . And then the third option is to do a pyloroplasty , which was the last resort . Pyloroplasty's basically where you open the bottom of the stomach , so you take the sphincter between the stomach and the upper intestines and you just open it . So then food dumps down faster , so you get what's called like dumping syndrome , which kind of is what it sounds like , like you go to the bathroom right after eating , but like the real reason behind it is when your body flushes out food quicker , if it's not broken down , your intestines will actually like dump all of your nutrients and so you become like severely hypoglycemic from it . So I've already become hypoglycemic , obviously because of just the amount of damage and not eating properly , and so we go in to do the surgery .
Speaker 2I wake up and the surgeon's like , hey , man , we had to do the pyloroplasty . I know it's not what we wanted , but he's like I've never I couldn't touch the nissen . He's like I've never seen so much scar tissue in somebody your age and your build in my career . Like he described it . He's like dude , if I could describe it . You look like you're on your fifth or sixth gastric biopsy . You weigh 700 pounds and somebody just took a scalpel in there and was just trying to chop shit up and so that sure as shit .
Speaker 2The pyloroplasty caused severe hypoglycemia , to the point like where I was dropping down into the 20s and 30s like five , six , seven , eight times a day . And I mean like for those who don't know , anything below 70 is hypoglycemic . Anything below 50 year at risk of like brain damage , brain damage , a coma , seizure , death . You died zero pretty much and I was hitting 20s and 30s and so I don't remember a lot of like the end of the career . I don't really remember a lot of 2016 to begin with , but I was dropping down there . I had a seizure when I was home alone at one point , thankfully , like managed to grab Gatorade that was around my bed and yeah , and so obviously now I've been found unfit for duty , go through the retirement you know process and the VA process and my VA appointment . I get a PA man Like I don't even get a doctor .
Speaker 1I don't get a specialist and my situation is all unique .
Speaker 2You know she's eating spaghetti in front of me I mean baby food at the time Like she's eating . During my review , like which is not allowed ? Yeah , it's not allowed , looked it up and she reads my first claim , which might be none of these claims I did . These are put in by the doctors , you know , like the army doctors . It is documented army surgeon severed Vegas nerve , yeah . And so gastroparesis is the first thing . She goes , gastroparesis and giggles she goes . Don't she mean gastritis ? At that moment I was like , oh , the VA is what everyone says it is . And I was like man , I wish I had gastritis again . I was like I wish I had reflux and I was like I have gastroparesis . She's like that's not a word . And I was like you have a monitor in front of you . You can feel free to Google it if you'd like , because the doctor's notes right there say it's gastroparesis . And she legit denied it and they gave me some weird rating for my stomach thing , like some made up bullshit .
Speaker 1Get the fuck out of here .
Speaker 2Dude , denied every rating I claimed . Besides , to night is gave me the 10% they so they gave me ratings for it , for everything I claimed , but in these weird things that were easily to take away . So , like at this point , I had been diagnosed with like severe depression , obviously , and but depression . This is like good information for those who may be going through the process . If you're , especially if you are diagnosed with depression and it's actually PTSD , depression can be taken away from you , so you could have a 70% rating for depression and then all your other ratings are , you know , great , so you may be at 100% , and then you go to a doctor's appointment six months later and they're , and they ask one simple question and you are like I'm doing , I'm doing all right , depression is healable , is curable , and so , yeah , that's , they get you with depression .
Speaker 1Yeah , and PTSD , because they will reevaluate you . Yeah , because it's some that state it stabilizes . So yeah , and a quick segue if you are being treated , don't walk away from your treatment , don't stop taking your medication . And I say that because you are going to go through a reevaluation period . Yeah , don't walk in there and say I am at 100% , everything is better , because they will quickly say , okay , excellent , now we're going to drop you down to this .
Speaker 2Yeah , and here's a
Overcoming Adversity and Pursuing Passion
Speaker 2to segue on that . This is where , like , veterans will struggle with this right Like so for me . I'm at eight fucking years of living with a paralyzed stomach , being nauseous , 24 seven of being told I'd never do it for the first few years , being told I'd never do anything again . There's only so much of that I could fucking stand , and so I now just push through everything right . Like my , I built up this massive tolerance to pain , to nausea , and I do what I do to show my family and my and everyone , and myself really , and the doctors , like fuck you , I can't do hard things and we're meant to do hard things Right .
Speaker 1Exactly Our culture and our society right now have told us and not just veterans , especially veterans , but everybody now . Now it's seek comfort , yeah , Forsake everything and just stick with comfort . It's like no shit's going to be painful . I was almost fucking fell victim to it . All of us do , because if you can just take a pill for it , just take a pill for it .
Speaker 1Fuck working hard , Fuck going and doing what you can do . There's no matter what you're going through . There's something you can do to take control of your life 100% and but that's .
Speaker 2You know that .
Speaker 2What to what you're saying . That's the problem is like , say it like , I'll use me for example . I've been dealing with this for so much longer . Everyone's like , dude , you seem like you're doing a lot better mentally , like I've learned how to tolerate it better , but that does not mean I'm better and so like . But that's so like a guy may go in there like , how are you doing it ? And maybe five years of you dealing with PTSD or whatever . And you're like , yeah , you know I'm , I'm doing . And they're like , oh , so you're not fucked anymore , and so , but that's not the case . You have just built up this tolerance . And they're and some people may argue like well , that means you're better . No , it doesn't . It means you just are not going to deal with the , the bullshit and go down this negative fucking rabbit hole . Yeah , and so you know they came back .
Speaker 2My initial writing came back at 80 and a lot of people like man , you should be stoked . And I was like these , the doctors are telling me I'm never working again . I live on my bed or my couch and I defer . And I was like I barely can get off the bed . And so , dude , I like it was my daughter asking me to go to the park every day , and I've told the story a million times . But she asked she was like two and a half every day , can we go to the park every day ? I'd say no , one day . She didn't ask me and I was like , oh , I'm a piece of shit . I wasn't a piece of shit , but I felt like that , you know . And so me and my wife , man , had a long , hard conversation . I'm going to , I need to find peace . I'm going to go back to doing what I loved . I'm going to get back into the outdoors . There's a likelihood I die on a mountain somewhere . But I showed my kids that I wasn't going to let some disease and all these injuries control my life . And so my wife agreed . And that was a hard road getting to there , because I'd pass out on the water , I'd be with friends at least , and they were there to shoot like cookie icing into my mouth , cause my hyper guy see me as like the real , the real immediate , like killer , right , like where I would could die quicker is from . You know that . But so we petitioned it and the VA was like oh , we have great faith and trust in our appointed officials and whatever , so got out at the 80 .
Speaker 2My wife now is working , like three jobs and she was a stay at home mom and like we had three kids at the time . So she's now working to try to figure out , hey , how are we going to live ? And we go back to Florida and at this point I was like I need to make money . Like the 80% I mean 80% is like people don't realize like unless you're a hundred , you can't support a family . Like the jump from 90 to 100 is thousands and thousands of dollars . And even a hundred percent , nobody can survive . On a hundred percent disability , I don't care , unless you have no kids and you eat ramen noodles every day and then you're just going to die from micro plastics .
Speaker 2But so I go to school , which again never doing . You're never going to go to school , you're never going to be able to do this . You need a feeding tube , you need a permanent TPM , you need you need a pacemaker and I denied every one of those things . Was it smart ? I'll learn in the future , probably , but I chose the harder route that I knew would make me tougher and that would show the kids like we can do hard shit . And so I went to school , man , I maintained a 4.0 GPA the entire time . Was it easy ? Nope . And then the school shut down the quarter before I was set to graduate .
Speaker 2Fuck Dude , it was often nothing because no other school would accept their , their accreditation .
Speaker 1No .
Speaker 2Yeah , it's a certain art school and a lot of art schools have a different accreditation that most they're the balloons . They're balloons , they're the fucking balloons .
Speaker 1There it is what did I do ?
Speaker 2I don't like , I want to recreate it . How , come on , it's just digestions , geez man . And so yeah , so the school closes and I was going for filmmaking because I had a background . I guess this is important .
Speaker 2I had a background of photography before I joined and then , towards the end of my , like , career , I was like I kind of want to learn video and so I started messing with video stuff and just really something that I enjoyed , that would make me happy , because I knew I'd really struggle working full time , at least at the time , like I don't think I could have done 40 hours a week due to the pain and nausea . And so I knew if , hey , if I can , I can do a photo shoot here or there , a video shoot for a few hours or a day , and I'd probably be fine . And so , man , I just was grinding dude . I was doing so many passion projects like just going out and shooting cool shit on like my own dollar . I didn't really have , but I was just trying to shoot stuff that was pretty , stuff , that was cool , that told the story , and me and a good buddy of mine I met at school , a good buddy , marcos , who everyone thinks is a vet .
Speaker 1It's really funny because he's not , he's just from Venezuela , so I guess Venezuelans have a similar culture as veterans do but they mean yeah , they've been through some shit , yeah for sure .
From Passion Projects to Freelancing
Speaker 2And so we go on this 8,000 mile trip legit 7,992 miles from start to finish , from Florida to California and back fly fishing . So fly fishing the outdoors is like where my healing is and I preach this all the time .
Speaker 2I've been involved with a few veteran nonprofits that get dudes out either as a board member or advisor . But the outdoors have so , so much power , and so we do this trip . We make this short film it's like two minutes and 30 seconds called chasing natives . This could have been a full length doc . I don't know why we didn't do one , but I narrated it . I look back at it Now . I hate it . Typical creative . I actually hate things that create like a day ago .
Speaker 1I don't listen to any of my podcasts . There's just out there .
Speaker 2And so that film , which was like all out of pocket , we slept in . I had a dodge journey at the time . We slept in the dodge journey the entire time , minus two nights in a hotel . It was 19 days total . Oh wow . And I mean like we went through every ounce of clothing . We were reusing socks , so we'd do it , we would roll up our socks in the rear window and so , mind you , like the socks started like this long and then by the end of the trip they're like this long because they were dangling out the window as we're doing 80 miles an hour drying you know , you know , and so we slept at one night in Vegas , we slept at the Bellagio .
Speaker 2We're like , let's cheat ourselves . And I think Marca's paid for that , because I didn't have no money and this short film , man , like right after I released it , I started getting phone calls like hey , we'd like to hire you to do a film . And man , next thing I know I get a phone call from a magazine and they're like we'd like you to produce a TV show for the outdoor channel and the sportsman's channel . And I was like at the time , I think my longest video ever had been like four minutes and I was like yeah , I've never done it but let's do it .
Speaker 2So I did a season . You know , every episode is 22 minutes long , which that's how long all 30 minute shows are , with commercials and dude . Super good learning experience , made a really good chunk of money . I got to , you know , lead a team of people under me like I covered all the budgeting , the travel , the logistics and everything . I learned so much from doing that show and it all came from doing those like passion projects . And then COVID happened , like mid show , and the outdoor industry at the time didn't realize that 2021 would be its biggest year ever . So this is 2020 when this happened , and so all the sponsors pull out for the next season . So this , the show , is canceled .
Speaker 2I'll be the first to say we went me and the wife and family went from not making a lot of money to a lot of money with the show and so , like , we were kind of living a little bougie of a life or live in East Coast Florida . You know like we're . We're going for walks every day , we're going to eat it , like I think we ate out for lunch every day , you know like , and we had the money , you know , but the problem was I put every fucking egg in one basket , all in the show . And so when the world changed and everything , the show was gone . We had a good amount in savings and I had my disability and that savings was just like Ddu-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du .
Speaker 2And then it was like gone and and so I'm all my clients have dropped now all the small ones , everyone's pulling back . And so I was like I need to find a full time job . Dude , I'm applying to jobs that have 4 or 5000 applicants in the first 12 hours , because everyone in Hollywood is they're more shut down than anybody . And so I'm competing with people who have Emmys for jobs for , like , a trailer company , like somewhere you would never guess like , and so nothing , dude , I'm not getting like , I'm making it through the process . They love me . And then some Emmy winner comes in and it's like oh well , I got an Emmy , why wouldn't you hire me ?
Speaker 1Just a guy from Breaking Bad . Of course you'll take him .
Speaker 2Right , right , you know , and and so I remember I was at the beach with the family and I get a message on Instagram and it's this guy from . He's got like no following . I thought I was a spam and he's like hey man , I'm a visual manager for a company in Missouri . Would you be interested in hearing about a job we have ? And I laughed because I had only been in Missouri once and I drove through it in the end of July and I was like this place is hotter than fucking Florida and who would ever live here ? I said it , I was . I could find you the video right now me at the rest stop holding my son saying who would live in this state . It would come to bite me in the ass that I would spend a night at that god damn rest stop . When I moved there a year later .
Speaker 1That just shows you .
Speaker 2God has humor .
Speaker 1Yes .
Speaker 2And and so , man , we got on the phone . I said right off the bat because I'm forward I was like what's the salary ? And he told me I laughed and I and he was like I'm assuming that's too low . And I was like that's about 70 grand too low . And and so he's like all right , well , I appreciate your time . And I was like my good luck , dude . And so his it's like .
Speaker 2Five minutes later I got a phone call from a Missouri number and it's their HR team . You're like hey , we really love what you do . What's it going to take ? I was like I need a day . I talked to my wife and we're like we got no money . Maybe it's not smart to turn down this . We negotiate to a number that is livable Nowhere near what I made and for now I'm working way more obviously , this is my first role in the corporate world , 40 hours a week . So I go and work for this company .
Speaker 2For about two years I was one of the senior visual producers and then moved to a supervisor , led a team of like five graphic designers and visuals in there Awesome experience , did a lot of networking , which is so important for a creative Left there for a job with one of the largest egg companies . As funny as this is I won't say who it is , but one of the largest egg companies who their primary thing is marketing . I mean , we had big , big budgets and tripled my salary remote , unlimited , pto , just a great deal . It was not a great fit by any means . I was a hard charger , wanted to get shit done . They wanted me more in the role , just to sit back , which was not what they hired me to do , and so it didn't work out . Left there and now I'm looking again . Right , so we're already in Missouri . We own a property , like we're . I'm not too too concerned about like finding a job right away . I've got such a network .
Speaker 2I was getting job offers all the time . They weren't what I wanted , and so I had a job interview with a company in Montana and I was like man , this is this is it , and we're looking at . This is before that freaking housing market jumped like crazy out here . But I was like I just I don't think we're ready for a move yet . And so my wife was like go go freelance again , work for yourself , that's what's best . Sent out like three emails to some companies that I had been chatting with . I said , hey , I want to , I want to work with y'all , I want you to be one of my clients . Guy says I'll give you 50 grand for a year contract and this is the expectation . And I was like done , and so it was . You know , like a few minutes worth of work a day and then a shoot here and there , you know , every two weeks . And so , man , I just started locking in contracts and you'd like , and it all came down to networking and like being putting myself out there , which is such a huge thing .
Speaker 2And and then last last summer you know , during all this time , I do a lot of stuff with veteran nonprofit . I guess that should should be a big part of this conversation . I had been a the chief marketing officer for a nonprofit called the iron freedom foundation for about four years until I stepped down last year , which got vets into the outdoors to fly fishing and kayak programs three to seven day expeditions . So it was with them stepped down last year and then , really , just like last year is when I started diving into , a lot of my work was with veteran owned businesses or veteran nonprofits . I got to work with stop soldier suicide last year , semper Fi and America's fund , project Healing Waters and a bunch of other like smaller ones . And then I donate at least two , two like films a year to a small nonprofit where I can help them . That you know there is no budget . Maybe they cover my travel . Sometimes they don't , but if I had the ability to give back I'm going to .
Speaker 2And so I came out here to to Montana for a trip to film with two will foundation Brian Flynn , fifth group guy founder , and I came . I came down into the valley , like right around June 1st , and it was cloudy , you couldn't see mountains , but something was like the air and I was like this is where I need to live , like . So I remember calling my wife for moving to Montana next week and she she was like , oh yeah , nice try . And so I was like all right , one year . And she's like we'll talk about you know ? And . And then so finally we said we like the trip as I'm here , the trip's going on . I'm like , babe , this is it , dude . Like this is where we need to be . And she's like , let's set a realistic goal . I was like all right , three years , june 1st of whatever . So that would be like 2026 . And so then I get back , I was like , babe , we need to be here sooner . And and so I bring her out here for our anniversary . And so she falls in love like the second or third day we're out here . She's like all right , you know , let's , let's set a goal for one June of 2024 . And I'm like done , we're . So . The goal is we will live in the Bitterroot Valley on one June of 2024 . Get back to the house .
Speaker 2I came back out here for some more work , and every time I come back out here , I'm like man , I need to live here . And a house pops up on you know , realtor or whatever it for rent , and I was like , babe , this is it . And so I reached out and I was like hey , listen , I need it . And she was like she fell in love with me over the phone and and so it was like we can move in October 1st . And my wife was like listen , you're the leader of this house here , call . And so I was like we'll take it . And so we moved out here October 1st . And this is when , like when , it was really a seller's market , but the interest rates skyrocketed , and so this is where we're getting screwed . Currently , our house in Missouri is not selling and we've dropped the price like 70 grand and so we're paying for a mortgage and a rental and a rental in Montana is not the cheapest and so we're hurting there .
Speaker 2But from a mental standpoint , like this was the best decision we ever could have made as a family , like my kids , seeing my kids get outside more . I found running like I never thought I'd run again . I was told I'd never run again . I was just told I'd never do all these physical things again , dude . And I filmed the Marine Corps marathon back out in October and watching just like every , every different type of person across that finish line , I was like fuck , dude , this is emotional , it's amazing what they will tell us you can't do
Overcoming Challenges Through Running and Support
Speaker 2again .
Speaker 1After you go through like surgeries , after you go through treatment , hey , you can't do this , you have to limit this . You won't be able to do this anymore . You're going to be refined to this state Like and many veterans take that as the gospel , as the word . And I'm telling you , man , there's a power to starting off doing what you can . With what you can do Like , start off with just a few pushups a day .
Speaker 1There's so many veterans are so bitter , so out of shape , so broken , and it's just like oh , they tell me I am completely broken . I can't be like dude . No , there's something you can start somewhere , like a walk Fucking something as powerful as a walk Dude , like I was there .
Speaker 1They're like , hey , you know you , you've got way too much damage in your feet , you're not going to be able to do long distance running . And then you just say , okay , well then I'll never run again , it's okay . Or or you start walking and maybe you start rolling and maybe you start biking and maybe you start pushing the boundaries . It's going to suck . I remember the first time I went out and started running , my feet instantly swelled the fuck up and I'm like , wow , this is really stupid . That went back to like having to like brace myself against the walls . But you know what , hey , swelling goes down . You maybe try a little bit more . Get different shoes , try something . Yeah , thank you , you can do something . If you're listening and you're in a chronic back pain it's the one thing that I always like I hear from guys . When my back's fucked up , well , it's gonna get worse if you just sit there .
Speaker 2If you just stay standing , go to a chiropractor , yeah do something , be willing to challenge yourself , man .
Speaker 1Yeah , the more .
Speaker 2You know , like it's kind of funny . You know like , especially like infantry , all your combat dudes like have that meant ? Like if you don't lose it to the doctor's voices in your head , that like I'll push through the pain ? And there's like a level of that which , like , helps us , and then there's a level of that that's not safe , like when my foot is injured and I keep running .
Speaker 2But you know , like I have a good balance between the two man and I went from having ran maybe three miles total in the past eight years right , or maybe nine years three miles total to going to the marathon . Coming back and being like how do I do this ? Where do I start ? And I started running in November of this past year . I ran for like two weeks and , you know , typical , like somebody who's trying to do harder shit , I decided to run in barefoot shoes , and so if you never use barefoot shoes , they use muscles that you probably haven't touched or used ever . And so my first run's four miles in barefoot shoes . I couldn't walk for a week and a half . My legs were so tight , but anyways , so I start rotating . I'm like , all right , maybe take it easy . Rotate between , you know , conventional shoes and being free , right . I'm always trying to find a way more to connect to Earth , and so that was a big reason for why I went to barefoot route , and I think it's like my third or fourth run .
Speaker 2The next day I woke up I had popped a rib out of place . I thought it was a pinched nerve . I literally popped one of my upper ribs out , so I made a post about it in a chiropractor . It was like who followed me ? He's like dude , come on up to Missoula , I'll take care of you . And so I drive up there coolest dude on Earth . He's like it's your rib and I was like bullshit and it's a pinched nerve in my neck . And dude , it was my fucking rib . The X-ray showed it out of place . And dude , looking at my imagery of my neck , how fucked the compressed is like from like carrying mortar tubes on my back like my spine , and I'm like sitting there like like trying not to like , like what do you mean ?
Speaker 2that's my back , you know , and dude , I'm like all crooked . He's like I see this with so many like combat dudes or you know , just like more of the guys that are carrying more weight , and I was like , yeah , I don't want to see that . He was like , how do you have no pain in your neck ? And I was like I thought that was normal and so he pops it back in . So there was like a three-week period of no running . So I started . I hit December pretty hard . I ran almost every day of December and then I told myself it wasn't a New Year's resolution or anything . I said you know what ? I'm going to run or do at least some form of cardio every single day of January . At least one mile of cardio in January . We're January 26th and I have ran 82.3 miles as of yesterday .
Speaker 2Damn dude . It has changed my life , Bro . Every run minus one run I've had , I've hit a runner's high . Almost every run , Like in this euphoric peaceful state where , like I just feel phenomenal and because I developed real bad anxiety last year out of nowhere , there's no cause to it , it couldn't have to do with my vagal nerve damage and the anxiety was like ruining my life , Like I worked around it . The meds they gave me like made it worse . So and I try to do with things as natural as I can anyways , and the running was helping me a lot . Getting outdoors is still helping me , but like it was just starting to get kind of crazy and but I contribute to running helping me . And then I finally went to a nonprofit last week , the first I've ever been to , which is weird for me because I normally help nonprofits 22 to zero , and it's ran by Dan Jarvis dude .
Speaker 1Yeah , Dr Pamela .
Speaker 2Oh no , yes , bro , my anxiety is gone . My anxiety is gone .
Speaker 1Yeah , Dude , 22 to zero man , I , I have what the fuck ? I love their approach . I love everything about what they do , their mission . I have referred people to them because , for a lot of us , we don't want to talk about the event Right , we don't want to relive it , and what they have is something that is absolutely amazing and so beneficial to so many people . I , I , man , great people . I've had her on the show . We actually got to meet in person . I did a . I got to go back to my old Alma mater and seventh group and speak on mental health and she was there . Amazing people Shout out 22 to zero . If you need help , if you're dealing with something , check them out . Obviously , we approve of them . Man , that is amazing . I am so glad you connected with them .
Overcoming Anxiety and Prioritizing Sleep
Speaker 2And it it's crazy because the process is like very simple when you think about it . And I remember like right afterwards , the , the , the coach that I worked with , she was like how are you feeling right now ? And I was like I feel kind of weird , like my head feels light , and I was . And then she's like you may crash , you may sleep really well tonight . Mind you , dude , like my average deep sleep , like according to my watch for years , has been like 32 to 50 minutes of deep sleep .
Speaker 1Like that's not no , no , no no .
Speaker 2Dude and , uh , like that's my normal dude . That night I wake up and my watch says I got two hours and 22 minutes of deep sleep and I was like there's no way , this is a witchcraft . The next day , two hours . The next day , an hour and 57 , the next day , two hours and 57 minutes of deep sleep . And I'm just sitting there like what are you like ? And I'm looking for my anxiety . Like I'm looking for it , like in every .
Speaker 2There was like several things that it should have caused it and they weren't . And I started feeling what like a normal anxiety would be for somebody who doesn't have , like you know , chronic anxiety . Like like my glucose was going off on my sensor and I felt this like panic that I hadn't felt in so long , and it wasn't . It's not like a bad panic , it's like , hey bro , grab a Gatorade , you may need to drink something . Your glucose is dropping . Not that this is the time I die , which is , like you know , what I had faced in the past year and I may do like I've been less quick to anger . I'm sleeping better , like man , what they've got going on is real special , yeah .
Speaker 1I love sending green berets to them . They do some great stuff , a hundred percent , and it's the thing that's like I leaning to mindfulness and meditation . That's what helped me with my anxiety . But one of the key things that you're able to tap into is the vagus nerve which you don't have access to anymore . We're just like and you're able to still and that's the beauty of the body Like , no matter what you're dealing with , there's a way , there's an approach to overcome your anxiety . You have to be willing to fight for it .
Speaker 2And so that's what's really funny for me . And so all right average person has a panic attack , right ? If you have a watch on that has a heart rate you know monitor . You're probably going to be in the you know , above a hundred 120 . You're going to be like in a workout . You're going to be panting like if I have a panic attack . My heart rate will be resting 67 . I won't be breathing heavily . It's all in my head . It's all in my head and in my body . It's because my vagus nerve cannot send the signal hey , you're fucked . And so my body , how my body would put me into panic attacks ? It replicates my gastroparesis symptoms or my hepoclycemia symptoms . No shit , it literally replicates it .
Speaker 2And then , and so I , every time I had a panic attack , I thought I was having a health issue and like I'd be like , and it finally gets to the point I realized , oh , this is anxiety . And so my fear . I was never afraid of an event in the future besides the anxiety attack , and so I was afraid of having a panic attack . Like that was what was causing my anxiety , was the fear of the attack itself . And so when I went into this program , I was like there's no way they can cure it , because I don't have a start , like I don't have an event that started by anxiety that , to my knowledge you know , like because it just started one day .
Speaker 2And man , I remember , because they do that question like all right , how do you get back to that moment , how do you feel ? And I was like a seven or eight . And then at the end they're like , how do you feel now ? And I they're like , try to feel it again . And I I couldn't even tell you what anxiety felt like and it bothered me . I was like this is witchcraft , you know , it's a zero . I was like mad about it , that I couldn't like feel anxiety , you know . But then I realized , you know , now I've sent like a few buddies and one of them had already had a session yesterday and he's like dude , what just happened ? You know , like it's , there's a lot of amazing nonprofits doing , doing amazing things . In my opinion , go into like 22 zero should be the first step and then go to like these outdoor recreational nonprofits to rebuild that community , to refine that purpose , but like mentally , help yourself to where you can get back into a good sleep pattern because obviously , like you're not sleeping good , like your body can't heal itself .
Speaker 1Yeah , that's the most precious thing , and a lot of us are experiencing these dual diagnosis and we tend to shed and not focus on the insomnia , like I had insomnia and some fun fact , it comes back . Like you , you deal with on and off and once you have the tools , you know how to deal with it . But I was never prioritizing sleep , because what's the number one thing that you use as a reward ? Hey , you get your work done , priorities of work , get your patrol base in order , then what ? Then maybe you can get some sleep . This is the first thing we jettison .
Speaker 1And now understanding that , like no , fuck , that , if I want to be able to function properly , I got to sleep , like I got to be able to sleep . That means that , hey , I can't , I'm not going to cramp , I'm not going to cramp for this task , I'm not going to sit here and sweat this . No , I'm going to get my eight hours . And that's the most powerful thing that people don't realize . It's like you do all your recovery when you're sleeping . That's a shout out to the Oro ring , that thing . I love the Apple watch , I love the whoop strap they were great . But after you figure out your fitness goals and what you need to do . Focus on sleep , and that's the one thing . That's the one thing I nerd about now . It's like I look at my ring metrics in the morning like , oh , and it shows you that deep , deep cycle sleep and it's like , if it's short , it's like what am I doing ? What's going on ?
Speaker 2Yeah , yeah , no , for sure , man , for sure , no it . We can do hard shit , dude . I was when I was running yesterday and I was just thinking to myself like I don't know if this is stupid , but I was like dude , I'm and I may I like recorded myself when I was running . I was like dude , I am so proud of myself . First , what everyone said , where they said I live Like I was told I'd be basically on a hospital bed in my house and I have the I will probably finish the month close to 100 miles , or damn near close to it at least , which I do .
Speaker 2That's insane to me . Like , and like just where I am mentally now , like all the things I've been able to do through all the pain . Like dude , I'm nauseous right now . I'm in pain right now , like that's not going anywhere , and so I've said this for a long time . This is probably one of the first like mantras I said to myself I'm going to be in the same pain in bed on the couch as I am If I go walk around a park or I go walk along a river . Why the hell am I going to choose to sit in bed ? Absolutely , it's the same damn pain on that mountain , and so you know , sure , there's a lot of . I do a lot of things I probably shouldn't do for a safety standpoint . But , man , if I died next week , I showed my family and I showed a lot of people . You do not have to do , you know like . You don't have to follow that shithand . You've been dealt Exactly . A diagnosis is not your identity .
Speaker 1A diagnosis and a issue that you've been diagnosed with is not who you are . You have the ability to wake up every morning , grab on to some grit and some discipline and go after your dreams and live a life that you deserve , because we were not meant to just survive . Life is not about survival , it is about thriving , and if you've been in the military and we're part of GWAT , you're the individual that deserves it more than most . And yeah , I'm a little biased , because I love you guys . I think that you've been through so fucking much just like I have and just like Cameron has that now , now that you're out , now that you retire , now that you ETS fuck , you deserve it .
Speaker 1Don't let a diagnosis of PTSD , anxiety , depression or an injury define what you will do in life . Where there's a will , there's a fucking way . Go after it . Don't just settle for a life of quiet desperation . That's for somebody else , not for you . Cameron , thank you so much for being here and fucking giving your time and sharing your story with us . Dude , I can't begin to tell you how inspiring it is to have somebody else sit there and be able to say the same things I talk about every day . You're going to feel pain . You're going to feel discomfort . Choose that over the comfort . Dude can't wait to reach back out and have you back on to talk about your next endeavors . What are you working on right now so we can plug it ?
Speaker 2Yeah , man , so working on a passion project . So I'm telling the story of a young woman so she's not a vet , but a young woman who was in back-to-back abusive relationships right out of 18 marriages that physically , emotionally abusive , had a child at 18 . Towards the end of the second abusive relationship , she found trail running and it saved her life . Now she's training for this awesome race that's coming up . It's a 12-hour ultra marathon , so you literally there's no distance , you run to time and so she'll do , probably right around 30 miles and about 17 , 18,000 feet of elevation gain . And so we're telling her a story and hers , man , is just the same thing . You can do hard things right , like you don't have to be a victim . And so I'm working on that .
Speaker 2Working on , you know , obviously a lot of nonprofit stuff still . But , yeah , if you want to watch some of the work I do , my website's Wildwoodcom , but it's spelled with two V's , for the first W it's not W , you know ILD , it's VV ILD , and then a regular would at the end . But find me there , cameron Kush on Instagram . And then I'm on LinkedIn . I like LinkedIn a lot . Utilize LinkedIn if you're a veteran . Yes , don't sleep on LinkedIn . It's not just a business platform .
Speaker 1Jump on LinkedIn . Oh hell yeah . I love the shit out of LinkedIn . That's one of the places I like to connect with people . It's good , it's up front . There's not a lot of weird TikTok dances , so that's why I enjoyed .
Speaker 2That's very fair . That's very fair .
Speaker 1Cameron , thank you so much for being here and thank you all for tuning in and we'll see you all next time . Take care If you like what we're doing and you enjoying the show , don't forget to share us . Like us , subscribe and head on over to our Patreon , where you can be part of our community and get access to all of our episodes as soon as they drop . And remember we get through this together , Take care .
